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Title: Should I respond Post by: kiwigal on March 30, 2019, 06:03:59 AM Mu uBPD keeps trying to maintain control by putting their decisions to postpone an event on us..
after replying twice already, to say "please let us know the date, when you're ready, and we will make the arrangements to be there" today we got this response.. "At present I wouldn't have the wherewithal to plan our Golden Wedding Anniversary, so it's needing to be postponed for awhile. Can we get in touch with you re possible dates when we're back if I'm doing a bit better by then?" Do we just go back and repeat the same line... or just leave it? Im concerned she isn't gonna drop it! Title: Re: Should I respond Post by: Harri on March 30, 2019, 10:27:01 AM Hi.
I can go either way on this. One option is to reply with one word: Sure. The other is to ignore it. In a previous post you wrote: Excerpt I wrote my uBPD MIL this morning a brief note, that in a brief, short and empathic summary closed the invitation to more talking. I knew I had to do this, to stop the game. I don't expect it will stop her carrying on raising things - but I have said my part and can ignore anything else here on in. Im feeling grieved and also numb. I am not clear if this was a communication of no contact at all or if it was to end a single conversation.If it was to express a stance of no contact I would say do not reply as any reply will only invite more interactions. If it was not a statement of no contact, saying "sure" keeps you out of the game but does open the door for more conversation... which you can handle by using the tools here. Thoughts? Title: Re: Should I respond Post by: Turkish on March 30, 2019, 09:23:09 PM Agree with the BIFF response. Brief, Informative, Friendly, Firm can certainly be a single word as Harri suggests. I was thinking "OK" but "sure" has more meat.
Think of it this way: you're validating, not rescuing, and the ball's in their court where it belongs. Title: Re: Should I respond Post by: GaGrl on March 30, 2019, 11:09:28 PM I agree...a one-word, validating answer is good. "Sure."
Notice -- no exclamation marks...totally neutral. Title: Re: Should I respond Post by: kiwigal on March 31, 2019, 12:00:30 AM I decided that I’d not reply anything. I thought about it and “sure” is too much of an agreement to her terms.
Her email had two parts .. first part was aimed at making me the cause of the problem, again. My mum read it and was like “oh my word, she makes everything out to be your fault” The second part was this part about the anniversary. I guess for her they are two separate things but for me they aren’t. I don’t feel like I’m being rude by not replying but I’m also trying to live by my limits without needing to explain those limits to her because any limits to her, are a threat, and she gets pushy and reactive. I think just leaving it will at least stop the to and fro game and if she challenges that and asks if I got the email, I’ll just reply “yes I did thank you” Title: Re: Should I respond Post by: Turkish on March 31, 2019, 12:07:14 AM If you choose not to respond then you'll still have made a choice. That's a valid option.
Title: Re: Should I respond Post by: kiwigal on March 31, 2019, 06:02:19 PM I finally decided that Id send a response, but use SET.
I didn't answer any questions directly, or engage in the rhetoric.. I was vague and caring and brief. It hopefully won't solicit any response, as there wasn't anything to react or respond to... and maybe for a short time at least, I'll get a break, before she tries to re-engage on some new level. The blame game is so real with BPD. Im really thankful I have this forum here to vent it out and make sense of it all. The hardest part I find, is that all the natural ways you would express limits, with a BPD, are out - there is no reasoning. The upside is, I'm learning to respect myself and live within my core values despite someone else creating drama around me consistently. In a way, that feels very grounding. Title: Re: Should I respond Post by: Harri on March 31, 2019, 06:39:19 PM Excerpt The upside is, I'm learning to respect myself and live within my core values despite someone else creating drama around me consistently. In a way, that feels very grounding. Reading this tells me you are going to be okay. Things may get rough but you will make it through.I am glad you chose to communicate in a way that works for you and aligns with your values. Title: Re: Should I respond Post by: kiwigal on March 31, 2019, 09:54:34 PM Harri you are just so awesome.
This forum has been a lifeline for me! |