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My BP sister has attacked me several time in my life but I alway just got upset and always worried what she was telling other family members about me. She makes up stories to fit her narrative of victim. Over the holidays this year from Thanksgiving to Christmas she decided that I was not supporting her and giving her solace as she proceeded to attack her son and daughter inlaw to the rest of the family. I tried to stay neutral and love on both parties but that was not sufficient for my sister who beat me up emotionally and verbally to the point I lost 10 pounds and ended up spending one night in the hospital due to high anxiety and no energy. It was the deepest hell I never want to visit again. It was a therapist who read my sister's text messages, that she sent to me, that said she was pretty sure my sister was BP.

Anyway I'm on the way to recovery and am doing much better. I'm thinking knowing that my sister couldn't really help herself made it easier, however, I haven't seen her since the holidays and have to see her twice over easter for family events. I must admit I'm a little unsure about the anticipated encounter. I don't want to ever discuss the event with her and hope she does not try to bring it up. Thanks for listening

Hi and welcome!  I am glad you found us too.  You have landed in a place where we get it and can support you so I hope you settle in and read and post.  It makes a big difference.

You went through a lot and I am glad you are doing better now and reaching out to others. 

We can help you think through how you want to deal with seeing your sister at Easter.  One thing I will say is that you do not have to talk about anything you don't want to and you are free to say "I do not want to talk about this" and then walk away.

She expected you to join in attacking her own son,  your nephew, and his wife?  Sounds like their family business.  She tied to triangulate you into her dysfunction and it sounds like out affected you greatly. 

What do you think caused you more pain,  that she was attacking them, or that you felt like you weren't supporting her as you probably have over the years?

So sorry you had to deal with all that. A BPD has black and white thinking, so you’re either for them or against them.  I guess she saw you as against her on that occasion.

At the family get togethers, there’s an easy technique to avoid confrontation called medium chill. Basically you don’t rise to anything your sister says to you. A BPD likes to kick things off, so they’ll pick on those they think are easiest to trigger. If you demonstrate you can’t be triggered , she’ll move onto someone else. But you must never ignore a BPD during medium chill. So lots of “Oh I know” and “Really ?”. She may initially get frustrated, but that’s because she’s picking up you’re not doing what she wants you to do, she’s lost her power over you. Welcome to the site. Feel free to vent, get validation or get a second opinion on something.

Thank you all above who have replied to my first post. I'm listening to a book titled: Stop Walking on Eggshells. It's so helpful and full of advice and skills to help someone who has a loved one with BPD.

The hardest part this time was that my sister had convinced my other family members that her son was the bad son and I was the bad sister who didn't support her in her displeasure with her son who left her when he was in elementary school to live with his drunk fisherman father. How's that for desperation? He says she has caused him so much mental anguish though out the years and now he just feels sorry for her.

Now the hard part is forgiving and trying to find compassion which I know I'll need to do but its hard when you have been so abused and was not aware of the BP Disorder.

If I had known years ago things would have been so different. If my father had only known. He used to ask me all the time "why does she hate me so much?"

Forgiveness takes time and may look different than the way a lot of people think about it.  Having compassion for our family members can also take time and seems to happen as we learn more about the disorder and start the healing process.

When you think of forgiveness, what does it look like to you?  I had a hard time trying to describe it but I kept thinking about it for a long time before I came to my current understanding of what it had to look like for me.  I ask here just to get you thinking about it if you haven't already.