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Hello! I am hoping not to completely overwhelm you all with this post but I recently purchased a book and this for him was linked as one of the best online support groups. Here is the backstory:

Me: female 40 years old
Him: male 33 years old
Married for 1.5 years
No kids together
I have 2 daughters that live part time with us

Only recently have I realized that he suffers from borderline personality disorder. Within the last six months I came to the conclusion that his mother has borderline personality disorder and is the waif  subtype. Surprisingly I didn’t spot his borderline personality disorder right away even though I’m a social worker...because it’s honestly not something I see very often in the social work that I do. I am not a diagnostician and  my specialty is working in child protection.

 When our relationship started he was very charming but even then there were red flags. For example he has always done this thing where he will get spun up and angry over things that I feel are not my fault but he blames me implicitly. Many times he has told me what a horrible person I am, called me names, raised his fist to hit me, and just lashed out in general. He has  stolen things from me that an ex fiancé gave to me. He has demanded that I coddle him and tell him constantly all the ways that I love him. He breaks my things and never pays me back for them. He is only satisfied doing things he’s interested in or speaking about himself. He didn’t even know where I worked for over a year.  He selfishly lets me pay for most of the dates and feels entitled to my money since I make more than he does and he is in crippling credit card debt. He was married for 10 years before me and  from what I understand had some of the same financial issues with her but  I suspect he was less abusive.

Within the past six months he has lifted me up by my throat and thrown me back on the bed in a fit of rage because I saw and unexpected text exchange between him and another woman. It wasn’t especially shady but I did not appreciate it. Later he stated that he panicked and thought  I was leaving him so he became physically abusive. Turns out my suspicions were correct and he has been cheating or looking to. He then followed me down to my car and did the most bizarre thing where he flipped the script and accused me of abusing HIM.. He was crying and I could see on his face that he really believed what he was saying. That has been an ongoing issue in our relationship. He will do something and then turn it around and make it sound like I did it. He is also very passive aggressive with his words.  For example, last night I called him and asked him if he wanted to watch a TV show and have pizza on the couch with me. He was in his bedroom which he keeps locked ...and he has his own bedroom, yes you heard that right. He also has locks on his phone and computer. He is very secretive and private. His response to my question about a TV show and pizza was to immediately say “no thank you, I don’t want to have another night ruined by being let down by you when you decide that I am not worth your time”. I’m not sure where he gets this because I for the most part follow through with any plans.

 Lately our big issue is now that he is aware that he probably has borderline personality disorder he has gotten exponentially worse with his behaviors. I recently found out that he was on a dating app as well as texting a stripper. When confronted he initially begged and pleaded for me not to leave him but within two days had convinced me that it was all my fault and is now in this weird gray area where he believes that I should beg and plead with him not to leave me every day and he has even said that this will prove that I love him and make him stay. Obviously I can’t live in a constant raw state of emotions and truthfully I only do this to keep him calm. I know I’m not to blame.. Constantly feeling like I have to impale myself In order to show him that he is truly loved is exhausting . Also, I can’t stand the thought of him seeking affection from other women when he is spun up in one of his moods that I didn’t even cause.

 You would think I would be better at handling this since I am a social worker. I honestly feel like a prisoner trapped in my own home. I come home and I don’t know what mood he will be in. He could be whistling and happy. He could be moody and depressed. He could be sad and introspective. Or, the very worst, he could have this evil look on his face and a sneer that says I am the most pathetic person he has ever met. He quickly switches between loving me passionately and hating me with all of his heart. I honestly don’t know if I can stay with him. I’m grateful my children are never home when he’s abusive but I’m sure they sense my unhappiness. He also calls me names and tells me how ugly I am and them when I try to lose weight or improve he tells me how stupid it is and that he thinks I’m perfect and if I improve or lose weight he won’t find me
Attractive anymore. For the record, I am literally beautiful. I know this. Like, actually, classically beautiful. I even modeled. I don’t say this to brag but to put his words into perspective for you.

What do I do?

Welcome to the forums. It seems you have really been through the mill. You’ve come to the right place as many here will relate to your partner’s behaviour. I empathise and hope you are managing to look after yourself and the children.

My first question is why would you want to salvage it? You say yourself that you don’t know if you can stay with him. You don’t trust him, he is secretive and deceitful not to mention hostile and selfish. What is holding you in the relationship? You seem to have kept much of your self esteem intact which is important when dealing with abuse. What is the hold he has over you?

RF

First concern is your safety. Being lifted up by the neck is no small thing.

We have this safety plan guide here, give it a read? DV Safety plan (https://bpdfamily.com/pdfs/safety-first-dv-1.pdf)

Is he seeing a therapist? how did he became aware of it?

Gingersnaps,

Hello and welcome to BPD family! I'm glad you found us, but I am so sorry for the circumstances that brought you here.

It sounds like your h is in a very unstable place right now, and it is affecting you mentally, emotionally, and sometimes physically.

I want you to know you are not alone. Many of us have been through similar experiences, myself included.

I know that you have hope that you can salvage this relationship, but I would like to gently say to you that your safety should come first, above and beyond the needs your h may be ineffectively expressing through extreme behaviors.

You are a social worker. Do you have any connections to domestic violence services in your area? Perhaps you can find one trusted person who is knowledgeable about dv and share your story?

I know that if you work in child protection, you likely have experience with making safety plans and connecting families with services. How do you feel about doing this for yourself and your children?

There are tools found on this site that we use to help improve communication. However, this should come after safety, always.

Do you feel safe now? Have you thought what you might do if he does become physically abusive in front of your children?

Please keep us updated, and continue posting. We are here for you and we will walk with you through this.

Blessings and peace,

Redeemed