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I feel like all my posts are the same...
I told her I have to travel for work - it will be one day no overnight.  I said I was thinking Friday or Monday because it needs to be soon.  I said let's discuss because I know how important it is to include her in the decisions and make sure she's part of it.

We went back and forth by text and I said I would go Monday because Friday is too tight and I can't get back in time for her mother's birthday.
But when we finally spoke on the phone later she went off on me, yelling at me because I would even 'consider' going Friday - what if my flight was delayed?  how could I even think about going then?  why didn't I say I would never miss her mother's birthday? 

I didn't think I needed to say that of course I would never miss it.  I made a mistake in even considering Friday but it was short lived.  Why does she have to freak out at me for this?  I feel like I can't even make an innocent mistake.  There was no malice or ill intent and of course if the timing didn't work to get back in time I wouldn't go on Friday.  She said I should never have even considered it.  Okay, she's right - but she is FURIOUS and I don't even have room to validate because I just feel so attacked.

HOW - how do I do it?  How can I change how I react when she attacks me so often?  Several times a day she's mad about something.  I'm really trying...but I'm failing often - mostly...

You are halfway there - you know you have to change your reaction to her.

Rehearsing is a good way to learn it. It's like doing a fire drill. Learn the skill in time of calm. Imprint it. Then you will have it ready when the emotions fly.

If you look at the who sequence of events, how would you do this differently if you had a do-over. This is a great way to learn.

Maybe I just don't want to validate - maybe I'm tired...I'm tired of being sad and frustrated.
I'm tired of saying I love you and her hanging up on me.  I'm tired of trying so hard and still she's angry and upset and it's not enough...

I want this so badly.  I don't want to give up on it.
But I feel so emotionally exhausted.

Maybe you are validating in the wrong way. I would never validate when the person is angry at me - don't validate, don't invalidate, don't justify - just listen and set a time to talk more.

Validating someone who is throwing a tantrum or acting badly will validate the bad behavior - you don't want that.

The first trick is to learn not to invalidate. Its a good skill, takes a while to learn, and there is no "doormatting" yourself.

The best validating is when things are good...

Why not try the exercise I suggested. I'll work with you.

You can do this without compromising yourself.

I'm in a similar situation to this and I'm keen to know the best thing to do when that rage is directed at me. My partner has screamed at me to get out of her house multiple times now, broken valuables in the house, called me all kinds of names and been irrationally angry every couple of days.
She has said she wants to be comforted when she's angry but that she doesn't know how I can. How can anyone comfort someone who is screaming at them to leave?