BPDFamily.com

I offered by stbxuBPDw 60/40 of all our assets. No infidelity that I know of until after several months after separation. Her lawyer emailed my lawyer and copied me with a simple message - "She said to tell him to kiss her a$$."

Everyone I've talked to says she's insane to not accept that.

Input?

Hi, Barnabus. It's a little difficult to follow what you wrote. Could you spell that out?

You offered her 60% of marital property? And you're saying that there was no infidelity until separation ... infidelity by whom? You? Her? Is the infidelity an issue in your state's divorce laws?

Is this your first settlement offer? It's pretty typical for high-conflict divorces to take longer to come to a settlement, if one happens. Normally, I'd expect either a counter-offer (which may be very far from your offer) or to head into some form of mediation at this point. Mediation might not be successful, at least at first, but it's the next step if you can't cooperate to the point of coming to terms through direct negotiating.

That's all pretty standard -- is there anything in particular in your offer or in her expectations that suggests why she'd be especially upset about your initial offer?

You probably don't want to post particulars here, but it also depends what kind of assets are in the mix.

I know people who took the house and less of the retirement funds, and others who just wanted money. If one is retired, typically part of the pension is awarded in the mix.

Many people have an emotional attachment to the marital home.  But in reality a house is just a house.  Home is wherever you live.  If neither of you can afford the residence separately then it ought to be sold and proceeds split eventually.  If you have no agreement yet then the $$$ can be held in escrow or safekeeping.

The common comment here is that people with BPD (pwBPD) are too entitled and controlling to accept an offer, even a favorable one.  At least at first, anyway.  A surprising fact is that many here have gotten settlements... but not quickly.  Courts often require mediation as the first step after setting a temp order.  That's too soon for our PD cases.  Usually there has to be a huge pending hearing or trial looming before the stbEx has to accept the reality.

Sounds like she is wanting you to suffer as long as possible and dragging out a divorce is one way for her to do it while casting you as Mr Evil Personified.  So it is a poor tactic to Gift her too comfortable a temp order while the divorce proceeds.

You are allowed to withdraw offers, just as you can make offers.  Probably best to keep the case on the docket while negotiations continue.  Generally there is no benefit to dropping off the court schedule on promised responses or counteroffers.  "Yes, please send us your counteroffer but meanwhile we'll keep the case active in court."