BPDFamily.com

Hi, I have just joined after reading some of the excellent articles on this site, and I'm hoping to be able to share and discuss my experiences with others and hopefully find a way to deal with what I'm going through.

I am a 46-year-old man from Wales who has been in a relationship with someone who I, and my psychotherapist, now strongly believe suffers from BPD. I'm still having trouble detaching from this relationship, although realising that it is highly likely that she is a BPD sufferer is starting to help. For a long time she led me to believe that everything that was wrong in our relationship was my fault. When she eventually ended the relationship I was angry because she had betrayed me, cheated on me and lied to me. Now I'm starting to come to terms with the situation better, because I now longer feel she did these things to me with malice, she did them because of her illness.

Even so, it's hard. I'm a lifelong sufferer from depression and I'm somewhat traumatised by things that happened to me a few years ago, before I met her. This was the worst relationship I've ever been in but still I yearn for her. Rationally I know that there's no way we'd ever have been able to make it work. As my therapist points out, my own issues mean that I'd never be able to support her in the way she needs, and equally she can never give me what I need. None of this helps to heal my heart!

I don't know if this is something that others who have been in relationships with BPD people can relate to, but the fact is that when she was good, she was the best I've ever had. No one has ever loved me as hard as she did.

Hi Astray and welcome to the family! :hi:

You'll find a lot of people here can relate to what you've been through. I can tell you that my uBPD husband also insisted that everything going wrong was my fault. A relationship with a pwBPD can be absolutely heartbreaking. I'm glad you've found the articles here helpful and I hope you'll continue to post and read/post in others' threads, too! You'll find many people here who can empathize.

How long ago did the relationship end?

Hi Astray,

*welcome*

I’d like to join Ozzie101 and welcome you to the family. I’m sorry for the circumstances that led you to this site. It helps to talk about your r/s with a pwBPD  it’s an intense rollercoaster ride that’s painful as hell when it’s over.

You’re on the right track share your experiences here, read as much as you can about the disorder, the lessons are on the top of the board and detach from her.

How long were you together? Can you give us a back story on the break up?

Thank you both, and my apologies for not replying sooner. I thought I had set it up to receive a notification when someone replied but obviously I didn't.

The truth is I'm not sure when the relationship ended. The last time we saw each other was over 8 months ago. Things were difficult then but we kept trying - she lives in London and I'm in Wales, so it was always a long distance relationship, despite my constant efforts to get her to move closer or, eventually, into my home. Over the next few months we were on/off, one day she would say we weren't right for each other, she wasn't good enough for me and would have to end it, the next she would be madly in love with me and planning to come down to stay and look and houses together etc. Sometime during this period she started spending more and more time with the boyfriend she had lived with for over 10 years before meeting me. Three months after our last meeting she went no contact for 3 days, during which time she moved in with him. However, even she was very affectionate with me, still saying she loved me and that she'd made a bad decision, and we planned to meet and see what we could salvage. This carried on for a month or so until the relationship became so strained it was beyond repair. It ended, as you would expect, very acrimoniously with threats and accusations on both sides.

All through our relationship she believed I was seeing other women. She has very low self esteem and never felt she was good enough for me. However, she is a very attractive young woman (15 years younger than me), a very talented illustrator with a great career ahead of her; believe me I was not even thinking about other women. The constant accusations and her manipulative behaviour in controlling communication - not replying to phone calls and messages in order to punish me - have really damaged me.

I should add that our relationship went on for roughly 18 months, in total.

Throughout our relationship, and since, she denied and dismissed any notion that she had any kind of mental illness whatsoever, even though she had several emotional breakdowns during that period, including one in which she smashed a mirror over her head and required hospital treatment. She went to a counselling session once but was convinced the counsellor didn't like her and did not return. She gets very very angry if anyone suggests she get help, or seeks a diagnosis.

Is this a common trait in pwBPD?

Resistance to therapy is VERY common in pwBPD. My own uBPDh was very much against it, insisting other people needed to get help, not him. Or saying all therapists were just quacks who were after money and brainwashed people to keep them hooked.

The insecurity, the push-pull, back and forth, those are all also pretty common. Low self-esteem and fear of abandonment (with subsequent accusations of cheating, etc.) are hallmarks of BPD, unfortunately.

These relationships can really put you through the wringer. You say you're in therapy, which is an excellent step. Do you have friends or family you can confide in? Do you do anything for self-care?

Also, we have some articles on surviving a break-up. Have you given them a look?
https://bpdfamily.com/content/surviving-break-when-your-partner-has-borderline-personality
https://bpdfamily.com/content/breaking-up

This really rings a bell with me. Everyone but her was crazy. When we first met and her previous relationship was disintegrating, she told me that man was mentally ill, abusive, controlling etc. According to her he pretty much kept her under lock and key and wouldn't let her go anywhere on her own. I think she said he'd physically abused her. All of these things made me want to be the 'knight in shining armour', which I know understand is a very common means of luring someone.

Then when things didn't go her way during our relationship, I was 'controlling, too demanding, always angry, a psycho'. Simply because I expected her to keep in touch while we were apart and to stick to our plans when we arranged to spend time together.

I don't have many friends now, as she's taken over my life over the last two years, and I have always had a lot of female friends which she found unacceptable. I've had to let them go and I don't feel good about trying to rekindle those friendships after that. My family are generally supportive, though. I'm moving to a new town next month and I'm really looking forward to a fresh start in life.

I have read and absorbed many of the excellent articles here, thank you, and I think that discovering this site has been the single most helpful thing in recovering from this. I feel infinitely better than I did a week ago, so thank you again. Some of the articles could have been written about us, they are so close to my story, and I only wish I'd found you all a year ago. I can't thank the creators and members of this site enough.

Hey Astray, Like you, I was extremely isolated in my marriage to my BPDxW.  Yet I wouldn't rule out reconnecting with friends and family.  Those closest to me were quite understanding when I apologized and explained what I had been through.  That goes for friends, too.  It's possible to resume friendships if you are humble and open.  People know that S*** happens.  Most of my friends and family knew that something was "off" or "wrong" with me, but they didn't know how to help.  You might consider contacting those female friends, just to touch base.  Some might not be open to it, but some might (more than you might think), I predict.

LJ

Hi LJ, thanks for your post. I could probably rekindle some of those friendships, but as I said, I am moving away and starting a new life in a few weeks so I am inclined to leave the past in the past and develop some new friendships once I have moved.

It's strange how everything around me feels tainted by her now; even though she never actually lived here and I have many years of memories of this place from long before she came into my life. But when I drive to work I pass the house she started renting but never lived in. I walk past a certain shop I went into with her once, and it makes me miss her even though I never want to see her again. I think a new start is the best thing for me now.