BPDFamily.com

Hi guys and girls,

I am having a very very hard and depressing time with all of this and am looking for guidance, a long story short my ex discarded me for a man 10 years younger than her and our breakup was messy in the end, my business failed I became depressed and she in essence left me, cutting the story short I keep getting blocked and unblocked from social media she phoned the police on me claiming harassment when I was trying to help her I would get random phone calls being blamed for stealing her friends etc, in which I have done none of the sort, after me going to the police station and being given just a warning at the end of February this year I was then unblocked on all social media and forms of communication, I have found within the last few hours I have been blocked from Facebook again but nothing else as our photos were still up, she unblocked me on WhatsApp and kept posting 4 or 5 new pictures of her so called new love and has copied an Instagram post of mine as well.

What I am asking is, is this an charm as why would you call the police nothing happened and then unblock me and copy an Instagram post then reblock Facebook please can someone help me is she trying to get me to reestablish contact with her and a charm , her last post was about no matter how hard things get I still have my dog

What kind of dog do you have?  A dog is a good friend to have at time like this.

From what you say, the red flags of  red-flag are waving - I would stay a mile away. If you read my posts to other members you will rarely see me say "stay a mile away".

Set the BPD aside for a moment. She called the police. That is on record. Exit for good.

I had a breakup years ago (not a BPD) and she inexplicably threatened to call the police when I politely contacted her to return her stuff.

What's that all about?

A resentment power play. This can be invigorating to some people.

Does this sound like what is going on.

If you want to try and reconnect, you might open a thread on the Saving Board. You will get advice to not spy on her. There are better ways to reconnect.

If you are trying to move on, do not spy on her. It's messing with your head.

What do you think? Resentment?

Hi,

I agree with what you say about the police it destroyed me and made me very ill after that happened,

She did say she resented me for the fail of the relationship I lost everything and became very depressed I lost my business and was straddled with hundreds of thousands of pounds worth of debt she blamed me for that

I have a bull mastiff and she has a cavalier in which I loved and took on as my own dog the fact she posted a near enough identical post made me even more sad, I would like to salvage this but know how to I don’t want to get in trouble with anyone but I do miss her like mad, I mean even to the point she blocked me on Facebook yesterday evening again how do I proceed

Sorry blocked me on Facebook but nothing else as I had a post from her with me and her dog,

I just don’t get it she resents because of the way I lost everything, but still keeps lines of communication open

Hi The cargiant

Im sorry to hear this, it sounds like you have been through a lot of agony finacially and emotionally.

I would not be going anywhere near her under these circumstances, even a single message after what has happened (especially the police warning) can lead to you to being possibly arrested. I say possibly because it is legal help that you might need to think about looking into here but from my own knowledge of harassment law it is very relatively easy thing to be arrested for.

This blocking unblocking cycle could be a lure for you to reach out and in the process, find yourself in even more trouble. Bait, hook line sinker. If you get formally charged, it can be validation that you were the 'bad' person in this relationship.

If you want to get property back it has to be 3rd party and specifically, a lawyer. Because harassment can also be seen as simply asking a friend to contact her.

Please protect yourself here Thecargiant, it is okay to miss her regardless of what has happened.

Cromwell

I know she is trying to get a reaction and lure me back in but why would she also be copying my posts as well, I do love her but these games are hurtful, why try to make me look bad if she has called the police and I had to literally sit there crying in a police station,  will she come back I’m lost

And also why block again in Facebook and not everything else

Hi, Thecargiant. Welcome to  bpdfamily. In opening, I’d like to echo Skip and say “stay a mile away”. Two, perhaps. Her involving the police is a serious matter. Factor in her trying to get you to engage in passive aggressive ways (blocking/unblocking), and you’re dealing with a very toxic and manipulative situation. I can attest that Skip very rarely suggests to a member to stay away from a situation. In fact, in my time here, this is the first time I’ve seen him be direct in saying so.

I don’t want to press on labels too much, but this sounds like extremely narcissistic behavior. Don’t give her anymore openings to exploit you.

All of that aside, I’m sorry that you’re going through this. We understand how confusing and hurtful these situations can be. I’ll say that looking at her social media will not help you. It’ll cause you anxiety. Anxiety can cause us to react which isn’t something that will serve you well given your situation and what has transpired thus far. I know because I’ve been there. She’s attempting to manipulate you. Are you going to play into it?

Do you miss her, or do you miss the way that you felt when things seemed to be going okay?

I’m curious to hear back from you. Be cautious, Thecargiant. She’s weaponized the police against you. Please take that seriously while considering your feelings.

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This topic has been relocated to the Saving a Relationship" board.

I don't think you know this... or should conclude this... or get emotionally caught up in this. People often spy and then try to make sense out of what the find and the reliability of predicting these moves is very low.

Think about it - changing permission settings is a terribly inefficient way of trying to get someone to contact you to reconnect. She would have to assume that you are spying regularly to even notice.

Likely if she wanted  to contact you she would just contact you.

Let's talk about the more reliable indicators - the breakup (what happened). Lets talk about the communications and reactions since then.  That will be the most reliable way to look at all of this and make a plan forward.

The breakup happened because she said I was distant and wouldn’t spend any time with her, which was untrue I latched on to photography because the depression from my job and losing everything and becoming bankrupt destroyed me,

She called a break little did I know there was a man she was getting with within 12 hours literally, after the break she would contact me asking how I am and asking to borrow money and saying she has no one, but she had another man, she wouldn’t let me have my stuff back for a month and a half, she was flaming I was her best friend and she hates and she wanted to remain friends she would tell me she missed me while being in another relationship, I found out she had another man and dumped her belongings in a skip out of sheer heartbreak and my fragile state and broke down in tears, when I was in America in January I hadn’t spoken to her after begging her back, she was message me starting an argument asking why am I ignoring her yet she had another man, she then kept blocking and unblocking me as I felt I am receiving mixed messages, I would then go no contact for 7-8 days after finding out she had another man and she would unblock Instagram and her WhatsApp and send me a random message asking for no contact when we had this already I told her how I wasn’t coping very well with things and she blocked me again on everything 10 days later she kept phoning me while she was drunk on a bottle of Bacardi claiming I had stolen her friends, her best friend dropped her because of the way she treated her and my best friend is with her best friend, she was claiming she was in a bad place and she was going to cut my friend, I told her I am here she kept claiming I have been spreading lies about her, at this point I never knew she was talking to the police, but she is contacting me I was worried beyond belief she tried to commit suicide 3 times during our relationship I tried to make an appointment for her to seek therapy she kept saying I don’t want to speak to you and I chased because she needs help, the next minute she called the police, blocked all of her friends calling them two faced and scum, after I had been to the police station crying, I posted a week later I should be getting engaged at my brothers engagement party, all of a sudden the very next day she unblocked all of her friends and me and posted how bad endings are disguised as new beginnings,
Help me

I am not going to play into it o have lost everything I can’t lose my freedom but she has the power to be adult about this which is what I don’t understand

And yes I do miss her she made me feel more loved than anyone

I am suffering so much and my strength is dwindling

What do you think is best for you right now? It sounds like you’re in a low place. What do you want to do?

I honestly don’t know, I need her love and support and a cuddle but I am trapped,  I just don’t want these games and yes I have never been this low in my life

There was a lot of drama at the end, as you said. 

Can you tell us exactly what happened with he police? What did she say? What did they do?

I think the most important thing is to let the dust and the emotions settle.  It sounds like she has blown up multiple aspects of her life. She may very well try to fix things when it all calms down.

 :caution: Over pursuing her works against you - its not attractive - so don't do that.

I would do a couple of things in this situation if I were you.

1. I would pay to get a meds evalaution. You sound depressed and anxious. There are meds that can help you get emotionally stable so you can better think and sort things out.

2. Draft a short friendly letter to send through the postal service to leave open the door to future communication. Maybe include a gift card so she can purchase some of the things you dumped.

I would post your drafts here and work out the language. It needs to be short and light and upbeat and about her (not you) to be effective.

Then sit back and start your recovery process. You need to be in a better mental and physical state for any future relationship - with her or someone new.

Post here. Work through it. Get yourself mentally strong like you were before.

Well the police said they wanted my side of the story in which they had and it was different to what she had told them and I had proof, the officer didn’t know about my ex reaching out and making contact to me, the police officer said to me that she didn’t want to hear from either of us  ever again and she had to talk to my ex for leaving bits out of her story,

I am currently starting councilling and have meds available to me as I am depressed but this whole situation has not made anything better,

Thank you so much this has been very very hard and the games and drama have not helped one bit

The whole police thing sounds traumatic. I bet you were wondering if you were going to jail. Luckily, you didn’t.

Thecargiant, what do you need right now? Do you want to spill it all? Go ahead. We’re here for you. Do you want to attempt to repair the relationship? We’re here for that too. Share your emotions, but share some intent.

I just do not understand why she is doing it, if she hates me leave me blocked don’t try and get me to come back

Ok. You believe that she is a borderline. Would you like an article or two to help you better understand what you’re dealing with? A little relief?

Read this.

https://bpdfamily.com/portfolio-broken (https://bpdfamily.com/portfolio-broken)

Of course I would like her back but I just can’t risk my freedom for this I just want an insight to her, and why she is doing this instead of talking, how do I stop the games and the hurt if someone called the police but unblocked me opening the communication lines again

I am going to read this and watch some videos I think

Hello Thecargiant,

Sorry to hear about your troubles. I can totally relate to being confused about this behaviour. What has helped me is understanding how this BPD condition manifests itself. These people we have formed relationships with communicate with us in ways which we may find difficult to understand. Reading as much as you can will help to make sense of this all. Understanding is the first part. We must also reprogramme ourselves in how we react to their often hurtful words and actions. That link posted above has some excellent articles which will help you. I hadn't seen that before. For me, just realising that perhaps it is BPD, made a huge difference. Things can actually become more manageable, if not better. Having said that, I am on the emotional rollercoaster to Hell and back right now myself... which is why I am here again reading! Absorb a few things and see if it helps and let us know how you get on.

I’m poking my head in here to say that it’s best to stick with us. This stuff isn’t a quick fix and that’s why many members return after an extended amount of time. Stay with us. Lurkers, join in.

Of course I am going to stick with you all, I just want to get an idea of the motives she is doing, just why unblock me after calling the police and then copy me and open up the channels of communication

Do feel that being unblocked is the same as someone opening lines of communication?

Did you mean do or don’t skip? I think that it’s an opening of some sort as why not keep it blocked if you didn’t want to talk to them

My way of looking at unblocking is you are getting ready and willing for someone to talk again would you agree, I know we are dealing with BPD here

It’s like opening a door isn’t it

I don't think unblocking is opening lines of communication.

I think you may be torturing yourself with this a bit. You are waiting for something and/or contemplating reaching out to her.

Think about it.  For her to think this is sending you a message, she would have to believe that you were spying on her all the time and that you are so desperate, you would respond to something like this.

You don't want to be that guy.

More likely, she doesn't think you know and if your respond saying "hey you opened the lines of communication" she will report you as a stalker.

If you tell the police, "she opened the lines of communication", they will not be receptive.

I know you miss her. Channel that in a healthy way. Let this idea that she opened the lines of commutations. Move on to another line of thinking if you want to try and recover this.

Does that make sense?

Of course it makes sense,

She has been in touch over the past couple of days saying she hates seeing me like I am in a depressed state, she brought up all sorts of good memories from the past and has insisted she is happy with her new rebound relationship, she has unblocked me again from Facebook and said she is going to help me with a lawsuit that is being filmed against a company, she admitted she has been stalking my social media but and even offered money to help the stuff I am going through but she can’t give me her as she is happy, I have mixed feelings about the conversation and why she is still checking up on my social media if she is so happy with her new relationship we spent 4hours talking about the good but now silence again what do you all think?

Stuff like Whatssapp, facebook texts - it is not strong enough to link it to her and use it as evidence to get out of any future police involvement. (it is not proof that she personally sent them).

I agree with Skip, just because you are unblocked is not an invitation to communicate. Its the same as her having the same phone number, its available to call (ie, the "channel is open") but you were told not to.

They gave a warning, logged, all it needs is her to say you have contacted her and it has opened up a risk of being arrested on suspicion of harassment.

That sounds like worst case scenario, in terms of speculating why she is doing this a few things came to mind but most revolve around triangulation - either using contact with you as a back up option or using you to keep the new guy interested. There is no way of knowing what she tells him and what she says to you, such as the four hour chat - is it likely she would tell him this? But if you have the impression that its ok to talk again she can make out that you are harrassing like a spurned ex who who wont let go/wont leave her alone - leading and inspiring this new guy to feel the need to 'protect' her, strengthening the r/s.

I have mixed feelings about the conversation

Id suggest slowing things down for now thecargiant and give time and pause on making any big decisions on what to do about it.

I mean to be fair I don’t know what she would tell him, she brought up about us doing things this summer like bbqs as well, I just feel mixed signals and yeah I could be a backup she said she needs to get happy before we start talking again

I am new to triangulation

Hi thecargiant

How would the average guy react to hear "oh, btw, I was on the phone to my ex today"

really, for how long?

"4 hours"

Somehow I dont think she told him. cmon.

Here is a link if you are interested to read more on triangulation
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=121673.0

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