BPDFamily.com

Dear everyone, this is my first post here. I was in a 2 year long distance relationship with my ex boyfriend who has strong BPD traits. He lives 2 hours away and we usually saw each other in every second weekend. We had our issues and the relationship had been quite rocky in the last year. In Januray, after many months of ups and downs and short breakups and makeups he proposed to me which I accepted. He said he wants it to be a commitment that we'll never give up on each other no matter what happens and that against all odds he just can't live without me, his life would be not meaningful without me. 6 weeks later he dumped me. At first I didn't even believe it, I thought it's just a usual tantrum and we'll reconcile soon as usual. Not this time. It's my 6th week without him. I took it very hard and I could not really get any answer from him why it all happened. He only says it's because of me, because of everything I ever did to him during those 2 years. When I asked him what, he refers to things that happened very early on our relationship and I thought that we solved them or things like me going to a job interview which scared him. I could not make any sense of it. I loved him with all my heart, I still do. It is extremlry painful, I have never experinced any pain like this in my life. We had such a deep connection. We seldom speak now, he usually drunk texts me sometimes, saying very hurtful things, like how unworthy I am, the worst person he ever met and how happy he is without me and and keeps accusing me of cheating even now, this was an issue in our relationship as well as he had trust issues from the getgo, although I always stayed faithful to him. While we were together sometimes after huge outburst of jealousy he broke down crying and claiming he feels he is not enough for me. I tried to give him as much reassurance as I could but it didn't help. His mom abandoned him and left the family for one of her lovers, it was still painful for him as much as I know. I have 2 questions for you: do you think there is a chance that he may come back? As he hates me now, is there a chance that it turns love again? The 2nd: what can I do to feel a tiny bit better? This isn't like a normal breakup and the things that used to help in previous breakups don't seem to work. I try to read as much as I can about BPD and alsk learn more about myself, my insecurities and issues, but the pain is still excruciating. Can you help me with some ideas? Thank you very much in advance.

hi moonbeam7hu,

it sounds like youre between a rock and a hard place. im glad you reached out. having a strong support system is the first thing you can do to feel a bit better, so i hope youll make yourself at home here as part of the family.

it seems to me like the first step in smoothing things out is, frankly, not to argue about what happened or didnt happen in the relationship. not only is it painful for you, but its only making matters worse between the two of you. the tricky thing is that arguing with the accusations that hes making are just fueling more. one of the first things i learned here was not to JADE (justify, argue, defend, explain). people with BPD traits need to blow a lot of steam, and vent frustrations and resentments. quite often, when we let them be heard, and really listen, they not only run out of steam, but we can get at the heart of the real problem, and get to a more constructive place.

you mentioned he drunk texts and starts in. is that all the contact the two of you have, and how do you respond when he does this?

what does he say happened earlier in the relationship that he cant let go of?

Thank you for your reply and advice!
Yes, unfortunately his druken texts are the only communination berween us for now.  I tried to reach out to him earlier, but it never ended well, he either did not respond or told me to leave him alone and stop texting. So, I finally decided to do so, I sent him a last text telling him that I will give him space but I'm here, he can text me and I also told him that I love him. There was no response for a couple of days, then came the drunk texts. I did not engage in the fight, I just asked him not to talk to me in a disrespectful way when he did. He seemed angry that I did not text him for a couple of days but at the same time he told me not to write again. I explained to him again that the reason I didn't write was that he asked me not to and I respected it. Then he said he has been a lot happier without me because now he does not have to constantly worry about where I am and who I am with. His jealousy has always been an issue. I always told him where I am and who I am with but he usually didn't believe me. Then he brought up 2 things: one thing was a social gathering I went to a year ago. He was always super anxious about me going to social gatherings, so during the course of our relationship I only went to 2 or 3 altogether. We discussed that earlier, but now he said I hurt him on purpose with going there. The other was a job interview which I got during one of the short periods when we were fallen out and he didn't talk to me. He I hurt him on purpose with going there without letting him know. Then again asked me to leave him alone. I did, but later on he texted again saying I must be having a great time with another dude for not texting him. I told him I am alone and I didn't text because he asked me not to and said again that I'm here for him, he can text me anytime. He told me I'm only there for him when it is comfortable for me, referring to a missed call a couple of weeks ago,when I could not pick up the phone, but texted him when I noticed that he called. I told him I'm here and he can write anytime.That was most of it, we haven't spoken since then. I try not to write him to respect his request for space, but frankly, I don't know what is the right thing to do.

certainly, respect his space. dont get into a trap of trying to mind read.

it sounds like there is a lot of resentment in him. if you are looking to reconcile, it might involve taking the opportunity to give him the room to vent it...ask questions, listen, get a sense of whats behind it all. it will be a tough balance, because if hes just coming at you when hes drunk, its difficult to have a constructive conversation. try asking validating questions (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=273415.0)

has the drinking been a consistent problem in the relationship?