BPDFamily.com

Hello all,

I haven't written in a while mostly because life is so busy that I rarely even have time to think these days. Last night however, I had a terrible nightmare that gave me pause. I dreamt that I was lying in a bed, writing in a personal journal. The journal itself was just a flimsy notebook. This was not my house and not my bed. I remember feeling very vulnerable. Then I heard my mom stomping towards me and calling out to me. I was terrified and really didn't want her to see what I was writing. I tried to hide the journal but had no time so I just tucked it under the covers beneath me the in hopes that she wouldn't find out I was writing and would just go away. She then entered the room and very aggressively started trying to rip my blanket off. She found the edge of the journal and started pulling at it. I was trying to keep myself covered with the blanket and hold on to the journal at the same time. I was terrified. That's when I woke up in my own bed having a full-on panic attack at 2:00 am. I'm still shaken from the dream.

I have been very LC with my BPD mom for about 4 years now. The longer I go without contact, the better I feel. She did try to call my house a few times yesterday but I didn't answer. Her calls make me anxious as she's always in crisis mode and tells me her pain and loneliness are my fault. I used to think that it was callous of me to avoid her but I'm starting to realize that I'm just trying to protect myself. I don't want to be uncaring towards her or abandon her.

The way I feel is a mixture of guilt, fear and sadness. I know how things are supposed to be between family members. All of my friends have mothers who are caring and they really don't understand what it's like to fear or want to avoid a parent. Anyhow, thanks for letting me vent. 

Hi, Sarah girl. I’m sorry that you had nightmares about your mom. I can relate to that. My bad dreams were heightened while I was in a relationship with my Son’s mother. I still have an occasional dream/nightmare, but they’ve went away for the most part.

Did your mom invade your privacy a lot while you were growing up? Looking back, was it hard for you to establish your own identity and take on things that you enjoyed for you?

It is perfectly fine that you protect yourself from her toxic communication. You should be proud of yourself for that. You’re loving yourself by doing so.

Try not to compare your situation with that of your friends. They don’t get it, but that’s ok. They’re your friends and you love them. If they “get it”, it would mean that they went through something similar. We don’t want that for our friends.

You’re not responsible for your mother’s feelings. You’ve been conditioned by her to feel that way, but you’re not. LC is wise here. Take care of yourself first.

Should you have another nightmare, wake up, feel it and try to step outside of it and look at it. Rub your hands together and pay attention to the sensation of it. If you sleep with a fan on, listen to it. These simple things will tell you that you are in the here and now. You’re safe.

Are you able to see your LC as sufficient for you, regardless of what she may feel or say about it? 

It is the same with this: In these situations we have to determine what is right for us and accept that what is right for the masses may be different.  Thankfully they do not have the same experiences as you and are able to have a more traditional relationship with their parent.  We are different.  I am not trying to make you feel badly here just trying to point out that we can't always use the same metric to measure us or how we choose to interact with our family. 

Your dream speaks to me of you not being free to be yourself and be vulnerable with your mom.  That says a lot don't you think?