BPDFamily.com

i miss the relationship so much but i know how toxic and emotional abuse that i had to go through wasn't fair for me. I'm a mess and it's only been 9 days since she left me. i think about her everyday, i can't sleep or eat, i can't do anything i enjoyed before her and during i was with her. she eliminated any hope of coming back and i thank her for doing that but now i want to move foward. i just want to know if im not the only one going through this and how did you guys handle the break up and the detachment the pwBPD made you feel. and did they ever reach back when you least expect it? i'm afraid that when i'm finally moving on and BOOM! she comes out of no where i know i shouldn't worry about the future but i don't wanna go back to thishole i am in.

youre not alone in going through this.

im not going through it today, but i was a complete mess after my breakup, for months on end.

both eating and sleeping are really critical. depression can cause a loss of appetite and mess with sleep...and the loss of appetite and sleep makes the depression even worse. its a real double whammy. i would consider seeing your doctor and getting a meds evaluation. over 70% of members come here in a state of depression. you can also try melatonin for sleep - one of the safest supplements in the world, i started taking it during my breakup and still take it every night.

other things that helped me...i learned a lot about BPD, and that helped me depersonalize a lot of the really hurtful behaviors, took some of the sting out. having a strong support system was really critical too. work through the lessons we have pinned at the top of the board, it really helped me focus my grieving process, and gave me more insight into where i was in it, how i was progressing or not, etc.

It sounds like you knew it had to happen, but it wasn't your choice per se, so you're struggling.  My situation was a little different, but the result was similar.  I wanted out, I told my now ex-H that I wanted a divorce...he begged for another chance.  This went on for two years, every time I wanted out, he appealed to the love I had for him and guilted me into trying more.

Finally in the summer of 2017 I decided I was done.  But we had a family trip booked and paid for to Hawaii that October.  I decided to ride it out until then, and then tell him I was done for good after the trip.  Two weeks before, we got into a huge fight, he backed me into a corner and basically forced me to say I was done.  I was so mad, I just couldn't bring myself to say no, it's ok, we're fine.  So we separated.  Even though I had planned on telling him I wanted a divorce very soon, I was NOT ready to do it then, and I was forced into it.

I was heartbroken, I cried every day, I missed him so much.  I knew it was for the best, but I was so upset and miserable, way more than I ever imagined I would be.  We went on the trip as planned, for our D5's sake, and by the end of the trip I couldn't take it anymore.  I missed my family being together and I didn't want it to end when the trip ended.

So we stayed separated, but we worked on things.  We lived apart for 3 months and he stayed at home with us on the weekends.  I missed him when he left on Mondays, and looked forward to the weekend.  I saw a future and thought we could work it out. After the 3 months I asked him to move back home, but within weeks he was back to his old ways.  It still took me another 6 months to tell him again I wanted a separation, but I knew very early on once we reconciled that it was a mistake and we had no future.

This time, the separation led to the filing, and our divorce was final back in January.  I cried when he moved out the second time, but only for a few minutes...I wiped my tears and breathed a sigh of relief.  I was free.  Yes, I very occasionally miss the good side of him, and having our family together, but the second separation/divorce was soo different from the first.  This time it was MY doing, and I waited until I was ready.  I knew and still know I made the right decision. 

I don't have any advice for you...I truly hope she doesn't come back and put you through more misery, but I just wanted to tell you that you're not alone.  Just because our SO's weren't good for us, doesn't mean we don't miss them, and when that decision is taken from you, it makes it a lot harder.  Best of luck to you!  Give it time, you will feel better eventually...it will get easier and easier with time.

thank you so much for sharing your story and yes she took the decision away from me. after these couple of days i have really looked inside of me and looked at the relationship and in reality there were a lot of times that i was like you know what do i really want this, and multiple times during her episodes where she withdrew any form of affection or to talk to me i was thinking to my self that maybe i need to find the strength to leave but i never had the chance to do it. i know it doesn't make sense, that i miss her and want her back even though i kept thinking this isn't fair and this isn't healthy for me but i'm just filled with a lot of emotions.

And if it helps any...we separated on a Sunday.  I cried every single day and felt miserable for I think a full week, and by Monday of the following week was the first day I didn't cry, and was starting to feel better.  That following Friday was when we left for Hawaii, and then I decided to give it another try.  But I think if we hadn't gone on the trip and reconciled, I would have started to feel better that second or third week.  It won't last forever! 

Breaking up is hard. Think of qualities that you found attractive in her and look for those same qualities in someone else. I guarantee you will find them. Think of what type of girl you want to be with, you may find even more qualities you are attracted to that she didn't have. Think about what type of guys that type of women would go out with and work on yourself to be a guy like that. Eat healthy, workout, spend time with friends, and even go on a couple dates. If you find you are staying depressed after a couple of weeks then you should go to a counselor, but exercise and taking care of yourself should really help. And remember this. Guys have an advantage. Guys have a much broader age range of women to meet and get to know than women have. So you have that going for you. Half your age plus 7 years and up. Love yourself first. Beat them by choosing your life instead of their life.