BPDFamily.com

Hello Folks,
DD20 is 6 weeks pregnant and wants to keep the baby. We’ve been waiting on her to grow up- either go back to school or get a job or both. No such luck. She’s gone off all meds in October and it took about 3 months for the withdrawal to wear off. Her bipolar picked up and she’s more black and white thinking more than ever.
She stole 200 dollars from her Aunt over Christmas, wrote her a letter of apology, but hasn’t opened Aunty’s reply. So that problem has not been addressed.
DD20 asked to be hospitalized just 3 weeks ago- spent a week in inpatient as she was hearing voices and in a hypomania. She found out she was pregnant 3 days after getting out of inpatient.
I am at a huge loss and so not know what to do.
Do I ask her to leave? She’s not employed and has no skills of getting up.
I feel like my life has been just plagued with ditching land mines running away from one to another. Now the only route is straight into one. I’ve had well over a dozen anxiety attacks thinking about what her life and our lives will look like with a grandchild.
What should I do?

Hello Daisy, I am glad to meet you and sorry for the circumstances that bring you here. It must be horrible to contemplate having a child who isn't stable herself bringing another child into the picture. Just to be clear, does your daughter have Borderline Personality Disorder (diagnosed or not?) You mentioned she has bipolar disorder so I wondered if it was both. At any rate my advice, for what it is worth, is to start with yourself. What exactly are your boundaries? What is it you are and are not willing to do once this baby is born? If you are not already in therapy this might be a good time to start. You can't change your daughter but you can change yourself and things can get a lot better as a result. Take care of yourself and the rest will follow.

Thank you, Hope,
My d is diagnosed with BPD. I will see my therapist today and I’m considering going into an IOP to help me get thru. I’ve had dozens of anxiety attacks and my oxygen mask must be on first.

Thanks, again.

Please keep us updated on how your "mask" comes along. We are walking with you.

Hi Daisy

I don’t know what to say as it’s one of our worst nightmares. I guess it’s best to take this one day at a time. 6 weeks is very early and your daughter won’t be thinking about the reality of raising a child. Is the father around? What’s the situation?

Hugs

LP

Hello,
LP- she is fantasizing about having someone to love. We’ve told her that she will not be allowed to raise her child here-she is hoping we will change our minds. That is what she thinks will actually happen. She just got out of inpatient two weeks ago for suicidal thoughts-she self injured three weeks ago and sent screen shots to BF. I just don’t know if I could actually turn my back on an innocent baby.

BF father is in the picture- jobless. They’ve not a penny between them. He said he will be with her- they’ve only known each other for 6 months.

I am unclear what my boundaries are. My friends want me to kick her out ASAP. I am 53 years old- I d not want to raise someone else’s child- but how do I turn my back?
I have very mixed feelings about this.

I would have mixed feelings too. How can we help you sort them out?

Hi Daisy    

What a bombshell, as LP says our worst nightmare. I can understand you have very mixed feelings. You've both clearly stated she wont be raising the child in your home, she'll push, it'll take time for her to accept and start planning with her BF as the days pass. Being consistent in communicating your boundary in a firm and loving way will help both you and your DD.  

Daisy you will get through this.   I don't see you turning your back, you are helping them work out their responsibilities and options, am I making sense?

How's your day been?

WDx

Hi Daisy :hi:

First things first, your anxiety attacks - I can totally relate as the news of my DD25's pregnancy was not well received by myself, to say the least. I just couldn't see any way this could go well. Yes, your own oxygen mask first and I'm glad you're seeing a therapist - IOP for yourself is a great idea. Breathe, you will get through this.

As wendydarling said, asking your DD to leave your home is not turning your back on her or your soon-to-be GC, though I understand how it could feel that way. My DD was homeless, newly clean from meth, when she told me her news. I was strong and didn't offer her a place to live. She wound up living with her dad for a short time and left after a big argument that ended with her dad pushing her down (according to DD and corroborated by her baby-daddy). She asked to stay with me for a short time and, in full rescue-mode, I said yes. She and baby-daddy stayed, we planned a wedding, and her baby-daddy went back on drugs three months after they were married, and just weeks before GS's birth, so I kicked him out.

DD and GS stayed until a short time after she began dating her current on-again, off-again BF when GS was about four-five months old. That's when I started to feel like a prisoner in my home. Neither of them respected me or my home and I was angry, resentful, and bitter much of the time. That was around February, 2015.

She lived elsewhere from then until she returned to my home in April, 2018. I'll tell you, it was much easier having her live somewhere else, despite my worry about her living conditions and fear for GS's safety/emotional well-being.

As for whether you should ask her to leave or let her stay, I wish there was a pat answer for you. It's a decision you'll have to make and one that won't be easy.

Does your DD expect that she'll be able to stay with you? Has there been any discussion with her about moving out prior to the news of the pregnancy? Does your state offer welfare benefits for unemployed parents?

I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this, Daisy, I really am

~ OH

Sorry, don't know how I missed this. So, you've given her notice that she can't live with you and she thinks you'll change your mind. Do YOU think you'll change your mind?

You'd be wise to check your state's landlord-tenant laws to be sure you're following the rules as they relate to giving notice. Where I live, if someone has lived with you for more than 12 months, 60 days written notice is required - whether or not there's a rental/lease agreement and whether or not s/he has ever paid rent.

~ OH

How's it going, Daisy?