BPDFamily.com

Some preliminary context: we’ve been together about a year and a half and spent the last two months in a LDR.

Two months ago my girlfriend went to spend time with family. During that time she wanted to take a break - I didn’t agree and said that breaks are fake breakups. So we agreed to still be committed to this relationship but not talk for the month she was gone.
When she came back I asked whether I was still seeing her when I came to visit and she said that we could just get a coffee. That turned into a full breakup and I ended up not flying out.
She said she needed to break up because she wants to get better and she couldn’t love me if she didn’t love herself.

We’ve been through a lot in the time we’ve been together and I was shocked she just ended things like that - we talked about getting married, she told me I was her soulmate. In the time we were in a LDR we did fight a lot more than usual but I attributed that to the distance putting us under additional pressure.

I understand where she’s coming from but at the same time I don’t see why we can’t do it together. Especially since she keeps saying she sees a future between us and that she wants to continue to stay in contact and still wants me in her life.

I’m really struggling a lot. It’s put me into a pretty profound depression that I’m dealing with through therapy etc. I just don’t know what to think or do when she texts or calls me and says she’s rethinking everything and that she misses me.

Should we still try to give it another try? The one major regret I had was not sitting down and trying to figure out how we could do it together.

hi mayorcesar, and *welcome*

i can certainly see why you are struggling! its difficult to know where you stand, and that would leave me feeling powerless.

often times when someone initiates a break...or says they need space, its a test of sorts. im not suggesting she isnt sincere in what she tells you. what i am suggesting is that she may be gauging your reaction.

a relationship becoming a long distance one is a big hurdle. if the two of you have spent a lot of it fighting, its understandable that on some level, she would begin to have doubts. yet, it doesnt sound like shes completely done.

if shes having an existential crisis of sorts, needing to get better and love herself and all of that, then what i suggest she is primarily looking from you is a rock. cool, calm, confident, and secure, even in the face of her doubts and insecurities. it may not be that she wants your direct help...just wants to see you as a pillar of strength and stability in her life.

what do you think?

Thanks for your reply. Being her rock and support is pet of the problem. She says she isn’t independent anymore and wants to find that again. Because I helped a lot and was always there she says she lost that independence. And she thinks she will find it again this way.

what do you think about that?

I still think it’s possible to get her there if we discuss it and stick to our plan

it seems like shes saying this form of help, she thinks is not good for her or the relationship.

what if theres another way to help?

Don't quite understand your post. Can you give an example of what do you mean?

she feels shes lost her independence by relying on your help.

that tells you a lot. a romantic partner usually doesnt want to feel dependent or over reliant on the other. both parties need a certain level of independence...to be themselves, and have an identity outside of the relationship. if we lose that, we may feel like we have nothing to bring to the relationship, that the other person is doing all the work. or we may feel smothered, or we may feel weve lost ourselves in the relationship, so to speak. in some cases, we might even wonder what the other person sees in us...if we feel that our partner sees us as someone to be helped, we might not even feel respected and loved for who we are, at the end of the day.

i think shes telling you some of these things. i think shes telling you that there may be a role to play, but it needs to be a very different role than you have played previously.

signaling that you are okay with that, going with the flow, respecting her wishes, and not over stepping, are the ways you can best show her you get it.

this is one of the first tools we teach here, and i think it will help: https://bpdfamily.com/content/listen-with-empathy

so the question is what exactly that role might look like now. its hard to say. what are the ways youve helped her in the past?

That makes more sense. It’s exactly what I want to figure out now. It’s been a month of crying, sadness, pain, anger and all of those emotions so we haven’t really gotten the chance to actually talk. The only thing she says is that she wants me in her life. But nothing else. I’m willing to change and take a step back, in a way so that she can be more independent. That’s not my issue. I just need to know what she needs and talk about it. She said she would talk when I’m next in her city, in about a month. Is there anything I can do in the mean time? Should I still be talking to her or not?

was she explicit about this? did she clearly say she would prefer the next time you speak to be in about a month?

She only said she wanted to talk about this exact topic next we see each other in about a month. Otherwise nothing.

okay. you can work with that. it seems like light, upbeat, fun reach outs from time to time are appropriate. i would avoid anything deep or having to do with the relationship, or the status of it.


theres a lot you can do in the mean time. grab the bull by the horns. get back to the confident and upbeat guy she fell for in the first place. learn the tools here, and ask questions about what youre learning. post in the threads of others...it will build up your support system, and youre going to need that, even if she came back tomorrow. it will keep you sharp and in problem solving mode, practicing what youre learning.

you can also practice the tools with the other people in your life...they work with everyone.

Thanks a lot for your support and advice. Truly means a lot!