BPDFamily.com

I've been feeling some gentle pokes to get back online and give an update on my wool gathering. Seems as if the wool gathering is gathering dust bunnies now, so the pile appears to be growing.   Speaking of which, I have been doing some spinning. It's therapeutic. I'm even contemplating getting a new spinning wheel one of these days.

On to the update. I've had a few rough weeks; lots of pressure from DH for me to make a decision. My T told me that men like to have decisions made, not to sit on the fence so to speak. Since I'm sitting on the fence, not quite willing to throw in the towel and not quite willing to say that this is going to work to try and get back together, I guess I'm being indecisive. Yet to consider that for 34 years of marriage to be decided to end in a span of 5 or 6 months is a lot. I don't want to hold the door open to false hope, nor do I wish to convey false hope to DH. If it takes us a year or two to figure this out, I'm okay with that but he isn't. He texted me that I'm taking 2 years of his life away from him if I do that, that I win and he loses, and that I'm the man. He wished me well. He said I must enjoy the control, because he hasn't. Over the weekend I told him that if he sends unkind texts to me, I will not be responding to them.

I have been praying, and the message I find in my heart is to wait. So I wait, but I did tell DH that since he said he wanted to get on with his life, he is free to take the next step. I find it easier to put the ball in his court right now, but it really is a grievous thing to even think of it all being done. He's asked for a list of how I want to divide things. Our MC told me to encourage DH to sit down with me in a couple of weeks and work on it together, to negotiate and invite him to be a part of it. He also told me to not engage DH, and not to try and accomplish a list all in one sitting. DH has already told me that I wouldn't like what he wanted to propose so he wasn't going to go there. I encouraged him to speak with an attorney so that he can be informed, and that might be an enlightening thing for him to find out.

I'm running out of words and energy tonight. I have picked up two books to read recently. One my friend recommended from her book club: Eleanor Oliphant is completely fine by Gail Honeyman. Has anyone else read this? I couldn't put it down, but a warning here is that it can be very triggering. Oh how much a BPD mom was in those pages and an adult child survivor learning to heal finally through the pain. It is a fiction book, but I read those pages and wondered at how anyone could write this book and not have experienced what a child of a BPD goes through. The other book is one recommended here: Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=203887.0[b). That book is shedding a whole lot of light on my life.

 
Woolsie

Hi, Woolspinner!

Thank you for the update. I can see how some people might use or read a situation like this as a form of control, but I don't see that at all in your post. You are giving this decision the time, gravity, and prayer it deserves. You are doing the right thing in defending your need for that, despite your DH's desire to have a decision made quickly. 

I am also really glad that you are carving out time for self-care. Spinning sounds meditative, tactile, and delightful! Thank you for the book recommendations, too. I read the description and listened to the audio sample for that Gail Honeyman book, and immediately downloaded it--I'm looking forward to it! I'm also adding the other book you mentioned to my list.

Hi Woolite.   

This is sad and powerful and full of acceptance all at the same time. 

I can see where a long break would be daunting to him but at the same time so vital for you.  Finding balance in such a situation may not be possible.  I think the question for me is what is he doing to get help and insight into his own behaviors?  If you are the only one changing, and he just keeps pushing for things to go back the way they were or painting you as being the aggressor, then what? 

The answer to that question I think lies in what you said above (what I quoted).

Much love to you Woolsie.

Thank you, sklamath for your kind words.

This is an interesting thought, about my need. I met with our MC last week, and he suggested that rather than hand DH a list of what he has done to hurt me (which DH keeps insisting that I give him as it will help him), I could give him a list of my needs, needs that I have which need to be a part of our future together if I were to return. More than once in T I have asked questions about what are needs and how do we figure them out? As a child of a BPD, we usually didn't have needs, at least those we could identify because we were spending so much time trying to meet the needs of our pwBPD. So it is helpful that you brought that up, because it really is a need that I have, to take time to sort things through. How well we adult survivors know that the healing doesn't come over night; it takes time. The same is true for me in our marriage.

I also told DH that I had hoped to work on my own healing from wounds in this time apart, yet I have not been able to do that much because of the pressure I am feeling to have to make a decision. I said that it is hard (if not impossible imho) to work on both myself and my marriage at the same time. There are only so many hours in a day, and when I am being hurt over and over again still, I go backwards instead of forward. This must be something that is more likely to happen to us adult kids, the tendency to be wounded so easily, because for some reason it is one of the hardest things of all to let go of. I read about it at the beginning of the book I mentioned, to stop caretaking. I'm sure the author will enlighten me more as I continue to read.

One of the things about Gail Honeyman's book is how quirky the main character is. Many of the reviews comment on how funny she is because of this, but to me, a child of a pwBPD, there is no quirkiness, only reality. Yes, it can be amusing I suppose, but we've often had discussions here of how we never learned to do so many things that other kids from healthy families were taught. I find these little things in the book to be validating, just to know that someone else didn't know who certain TV characters were or what kind of music was 'in' during the time we grew up. I was isolated from much of that and not allowed to see/hear things that would cause me to 'sin' and become 'worldly.' Just some food for thought.

Harri, I appreciate that you asked this question:

I guess that puts in in perspective, doesn't it? He speaks with some of the elders at our church, and while I don't know the subject, I know that one of them is trying to speak truth to DH, but it isn't going so well I think. Another friend of ours said that DH keeps emailing him, but the hierarchy view is something that he has not been able to dissuade DH from. He keeps plugging away at it though. DH has not seen a counselor that I'm aware of. He suggested a retreat, but I don't think that is going anywhere either. I see notes on occasion back at the house and he continues to add to his book about gender relations. Did I mention that he told me he is open to remarrying? At 72 years of age, I don't know as that will be so easy for him. I think it was meant to be hurtful. The MC said I should ask to be invited to the wedding.   At this point I am not aware of him working to change any of his behaviors. Much of the focus is on me; at least that is what I am seeing at this point.

Oh, and I noticed when I go back to the house that sometimes he sits down in front of the computer as he always has, reminding me that the routine we had before is much the same when I go back. Interesting. He is willing to help if I ask, so that's good. I'm thankful for when things are cordial between us and I can get some things done at the house. We have accumulated so much stuff!

I am getting out to exercise 3 to 5 days a week now. It is helpful. I need healthy things in my life.

 
Wools

 

It sounds to me like your H is more focused on being right than in trying to make the marriage work or seeing how he can change and make things better for the both of you.  That is a hard perspective to break.   No one is a winner and no one is right in these situations.

When he talks of what "you have done to him" (sorry, maybe my interpretation is off) are you able to see his hurt rather than the accusation he is stating?  I am not saying you have to or that you need to do this 100% as I think that is just not healthy either.  It is true that the lions share of the coping and handling thing falls on the healthier person but is that something you would want to deal with for the rest of your life?

I laughed at the T suggesting you ask for an invite to the wedding... not very nice of me but I can see you doing it in that silly way llamas have.

I've been thinking a lot this past week, week-and-a-half.  DH has been quieter, leaving me alone quite a bit more since he decided to write down what I keep saying, that I am just waiting at this point. I'd like to think that it's because he heard me, but that's just not reality. I'm thankful for the reprieve.

There is this strange place of quiet and emptiness about me now that the 24/7 pressure has lessened. Harri and I have posted before about this place that feels like 'nothingness.' I have been thinking that it is depression, and there is most likely some of that, but I also am coming to realize that it is a place where what has held me up is no longer there. I have been held up and supported in my day to day life by the dysfunction, the predictability of what I know. Such daily/weekly regular occurrences as anxiety, hyper vigilance, fear, the need to take care of what DH doesn't (in order that our life doesn't fall apart-aka control), and so on. This began long ago, when I was the little child of a pwBPD, and it has never gone away. Are there others who can relate? What 'normal' things take place in your lives that are the structure around your daily life? I feel as if I am hanging out a 'vacancy' sign on my soul, noting that some things are at least beginning to fade, but I don't wish to fill my life with the wrong  substitute things. I want to eventually find that new foundation which needs to stabilize within me.

 I also think there is a great deal of grieving, for the losses, and what I suspect will be coming from DH at some point since he wants to move on with his life. It is a nearly impossible thing for me to put into words that I don't want to be living with DH, yet I can hardly comprehend the final-ness of what seems like abandonment-but haven't I already abandoned him? Still need to work through those thoughts.

I think I must be sounding like a broken record when I post, but I do find a tiny bit of growth here and there. My T keeps reminding me to be patient and kind towards myself. While I have unpacked so much of the grief of my childhood from having an uBPDm, now I am unpacking the grief of a marriage focused around a life so similar to that of my childhood. No, it's not exactly the same, but there are so so many familiar aspects, enough that have kept me wrapped up into responding so similar to way back then.

As I read Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist, I am coming to see my part in being married to someone with N traits. It has been natural that I would be a caretaker for him given my uBPDm and the caretaker role I took on there as well. So much to learn. The deprogramming has begun for me.

 
Wools

wools! Bout time you checked in! You are with a narcissist. I’m sure that you’ve been made aware of this. His may have BPD tendencies, but he’s a narcissist . I’m having drinks tonight so I could be wrong.

Hello Wools,

I just wanted to say that I admire your strength (yes, you ARE strong!) and perseverance.
I do not see a broken record. I see someone willing to question and learn at a steady pace, and willing to share that with others.

You have been a caretaker for others for very long. Redefining that role is not easy.
Maybe there is a sense of nothingness now, because you are trying to connect with your own feelings and needs at a deeper level?

You ARE moving forward, though it may not always feel like that in the midst of things. Keep allowing youself to grieve, to question, to feel, to learn, and to let go.

I am very proud of you! 

Libra.