BPDFamily.com

The essential feature of borderline personality disorder is a pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonal relationships, self-image, and affects, and marked impulsivity that begins by early adulthood and is present in a variety of contexts.

Our ex partners display traits and behaviors that both attracted and overwhelmed us. Of the nine BPD traits/criteria, which was the most persistent in your relationship, and which one did you struggle with the most? How?

For me the main thing was unstable idealisation and devaluation. It was constant and led to many break-ups by her. Paranoid ideation and feelings of emptiness were also present throughout.

agreed. The idealization and devaluation. It makes the relationship so unstable and caused huge amounts of anxiety. I was frequently triggered.

•Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior.
•Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood

The above was the most traumatizing to me. The suicide threats, or just saying everyone would be better off without him, then staying out of contact for hours, terrified me. The affective instability was pretty awful, too. He overreacted to minor things. What started out as a wonderful day or evening could be ruined instantly if he didn't like some remark that I made. 

Pretending to love me and have my best interests at heart when he really didn't. It was all about him, how he felt in the moment, and never taking responsibility for how badly he acted. It was always all my fault.

The most frequent behavior which I should guess was a manifestation of her undiagnosed BPD was uncontrolled rage which could come and go quickly or sometimes last for days at a time.  She could suddenly split and cut off friends -this was actually quite frightening to witness.

In my opinion the most damaging and confusing part of my failed relationship was her lack of object consistency as well as fractured memory.  In a way the relationship seemed a bit like the movie Groundhog Day -it seemed impossible to create a lasting and stable foundation.  Each day was like starting from scratch without the benefit of learning from hurdles we had already conquered.

This seeming lack of object consistency was exacerbated by impulsivity. Which seems to have been part and parcel with chronic lying. 

Ultimately is became apparent to me one day regardless of my actions she would likely abruptly end the relationship leaving no room for discussion or real reconciliation.  As hard as she tried she had no real control over her emotional state.

All the Kings Horses and all the King's men could not convince her of her own self worth. 

Without being able to say 'I' (unstable self-image or sense of self) the statement 'I love you' is at best a misconception and in the worst case out right dangerous. 

Wicker Man

   * Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. (Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5.) I don't know, maybe...


    A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation. More devaluation than idealization...

    Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self.  Grandiose thoughts and entitlement...yes!

    Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex,substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating). (Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5.) Not really, but this may be suppressed.
  
    Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria,irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days).  Yes, grew from every 2 months to every 2 weeks to weekly...

    Chronic feelings of emptiness.  Yes, no discussion, but clearly depressed at times...

    Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights). Yes, almost no control when triggered by unknown.

    Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms.  Yes, stress induced and paranoid extreme accusations and wild imaginary thoughts that she was convinced of...\

And zachira, yes, the love, the expression, the words, the belief that they do and feeling it...I don't know what that is labeled here as?

Wickerman, "In my opinion the most damaging and confusing part of my failed relationship was her lack of object consistency as well as fractured memory.  In a way the relationship seemed a bit like the movie Groundhog Day -it seemed impossible to create a lasting and stable foundation.  Each day was like starting from scratch without the benefit of learning from hurdles we had already conquered".

A lot less entertaining "Groundhog Day".  Broken/repaired, broken/repaired, the senses tell us something has been established, our logic in it's primitive sense tell us we cleared a small hurdle and we did not only to be met with similar words and actions as though never discussed, cried over, hugged out...fragmented almost with permanency...

Irritability!

I experienced it this morning when I picked up the kids.  They didmt hear the doorbell as they were upstairs in the bathroom.  I heard them. I waited. I supposed I should have rang again,  but I tried the door.  Locked.  She heard it,  "daddy's here!" She opened the door and asked why I didn't ring because me trying rue door scared her.  She had me demonstrate ringing. It was loud.  I said I did ring and heard it from outside. Then she started berating the kids to pick up their breakfast dishes and cereal.  

None of that was abnormal, yet it was her tone, which I used to liken to "you're an effing idiot." Condescending, sometimes disrespectful, irritation and anxiety about things most people would blow off.  

Back in the day,  I never knew what would set her off. Something as simple and benign as going to the mall two miles away.  Was there going to be drama,  or would it be a simple trip? It could be either, I never knew.  When times were good,  it was usually 2 weeks until a major dysregulation. 3 weeks, once, was the record. I usually felt falling over myself to get ahead of what I knew was eventually coming.  

After cleaning the kitchen Friday nights,  the Saturday morning cleaning crusades would come. She often would feel shame,  she would tell me later,  and she would leave to go jog. I took care of the baby and toddler.  She'd return and sometimes apologize in her way.  Sometimes. But the cycle would repeat. I never knew when,  even if I got up two hours early, took care of the kids and brought her breakfast in bed.  

She used to say,  cuddling in bed,  "I'm such a b___ to you,  but I'm you're b___" what do you say to that?

Overall,  I was reminded later of how my BPD mom would sometimes send me to school crying.  Over whatever morning offenses,  I can't remember to this day. 

My ex had every one of the nine traits. I think that it would be hard to pick which one I struggled the most to deal with, mainly because I think the traits had a bad influence on each other. For instance, his bad mood could cause him to devalue me, which led to intense, inappropriate anger. His feelings of emptiness led to his impulsivity in spending sprees, gambling, and drug use. That caused us to constantly be in danger of eviction or of having the utilities shut off, which caused stress, which triggered paranoia...and so on ad infinitum.

One would think my DH's primary issue with his uNPD/BPD would be her constant and blatant infidelities. However, it was more the devaluation and mineralization that got to him. He was only six years older, but she quickly put him in a pretty g pattern. Their children describe it as putting him on a pedestal that she then attempted to push over.

The irritability was there -- negativity that was pervasive in the household. DH said he often I intervened in the morning activity so the children could get out of the house with an attitude that was conducive to learning, as opposed to anger and crying and resentment.I

It doesn’t necessarily have to relate to BPD. A couple of things that I struggled with is when someone is talking down to me or being condescending. The other thing is negativity, I can understand having a bad day or bad stretch or depression but when it’s pervasive behaviour I struggle with it eventually. I can put up with a lot so takes me a long time but eventually it gets to me.

Inappropriate anger followed by devaluing though they were linked.

Then mood instability because it was almost constant and I was acting like a therapist. It was exhausting. He went back and forth on the same problem about something or someone even though nothing had changed or he hadn't had any new interaction with them. It was obsessive and about four main subjects only for two years and there was hardly any change in them by the end.

I also couldn't mention my own concerns which made supporting him through different moods eventually become difficult. It was so isolating and added to the lack of intimacy. He yelled, "can't we talk about something positive?" when I'd just got an email someone had died (I was still reading it so had only told him) but he got really, really upset over being told about very minor things as well. I avoided telling him about things or talking about myself if there was room to. He always apologized when getting angry inappropriately, but it was so isolating and painful.

The impulsivity and emptiness too. It became a warning sign that he was going to get really angry as soon as nothing he did made that feeling of emptiness go away. Most of the impulsivity was also self-destructive so it made me really anxious. And it was so painful to watch the desperation in all of it. Nothing I did could help.

Wicker Man

I keep posting this same thing on threads for which you commented.

I suggest you read the paper by Thomas Fuchs.

In addition to Ground Hog Day, it's like the movie Memento.

From another paper, talking about emotional memory:

"Our emotional memories can be thought of as a little like an internal journal that charts our growth and development as we move through life. Our emotional life forms the core of our own inner narrative and our narrative with others, whether it is family members, friends, or loved ones who have come and gone. Our experience of emotion determines how we store our memories which helps map, organize, and structure our experiences into a narrative or personal story that gives us a sense of internal temporal continuity. This also gives others a sense of temporal continuity of, and with us. Imagine the chaos and instability we would experience in our lives if it were not for this sense of continuity?"

Michael Pacitti
Psychopath Blogger   
Erased But Not Forgotten: Psychopaths and Emotional Memory

Definitely this, because it meant that she would go cold/non responsive on me.

There was nothing to do, it either was or wasn't. Few times it was clinginess, but mostly it was her thoughts and then poof, I don't exist anymore.

With rage I could disarm and redirect, I managed it a few times, though I did engage it, always just words. I always thought she had gone too far when I did, but who knows.

The most persistent issue was the self-harm.  It seemed like it was a major part of my exW's behavior was something that would hurt herself.  What was interesting is that she always kept some means going at all times, like the peace was too much for her.

The hardest behavior was the unstable relationships.  It wasn't just me because I was able to stabilize my own dealings thanks to this site.  It's just that she created chaos with her friends and jobs.  If she could keep a friend for a year, it was a miracle.  It was impossible to get a read on where she was going with her life as her whole circle would constantly remake itself.

Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment; transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms.
He would often accuse me of cheating when I went to do things with my sister during the day. I had to text him every time we arrived or left a place, and if I didn’t respond to a text fast enough he would explode. He blamed his paranoia on me, saying that the way I acted was how a cheater acted, and any normal person would think I was unfaithful.
I have no idea who the hell he thought I was cheating on him with, as my relationship with him kept me from having friends, meeting other people, or going to social events.

Chronic feelings of emptiness.
He blamed his chronic depression on me, saying that he was depressed because of how bad a partner I was. He said there was no use for him to get mental health treatment, because if only I would be a good partner then he would be better. It was so hard to deal with his severe depression when he wouldn’t even consider treatment, and eventually he would rage if I even mentioned it.

The idealisation...I knew deep down it wasn't right, we'd only been together a month and already I was "the love of her life" "her everything".. one part of me was screaming RUN but I also felt as though it was genuine, I was good to her, did anything to make her happy.. She told me stories of abusive ex's, the horrible life she's had.. so I guess I felt like I was "saving" her and was giving her something she'd always wanted.

Without a doubt, it was the anger.

Idealization/devaluation. My ex was undiagnosed until after our breakup - he'd always presented most of these traits, but the rest were either endearing personality quirks we laughed about or things that he came to me to work through together.

The devaluation was gradual and not obvious (over 3 years) - it took time to even get to the phase where it happened, and when it did it'd be frequent but it'd only last for hours at a time. There were intense fights and times when I was scared of how indifferent he could seem, but there were never any break-ups or conflicts that didn't end with "I love you" by the end of the night.
 
I became the target of blame if I triggered his OCD or messed up one of his compulsions. I'd be shut out, but if I apologized (a certain number of times that he requested), he'd immediately bounce back and be happy and loving - but at that point I felt depressed and defeated and I was terrified at how cruel he'd been just moments before, so it was my bad mood that was "ruining" the day - he'd emphasize that I was "miserable" and causing the tension between us and I believed it.

I think because the devaluation was either short-lived or so closely related to his OCD, I either didn't notice it was the product of dysfunction or I gave him a pass because I knew it was related to mental health. I normalized and internalized it - it wore down on my self-confidence, and eventually turned into depression and resentment which played a part in us hitting the rough patch that sent him spiraling into a breakup/mental breakdown that he's still in, although he'll deny that.

Her abandonment fears were extreme and I tried hard to make her feel safe. However, because I was married when we met I know I was triggering them initially. The idealisation and devaluation were constant from day one. One minute I was a God, the next I was a maggot. She was also violent with the fiercest temper I’ve ever seen. She had a paranoid head and would constantly accuse me of cheating on her when I spent every last minute with her. On top of that she projected all of her own issues onto me and told me I was aggressive and argumentative when most of the time I was reacting to her aggression. We did this dance around who was to blame for the entire relationship. She also called me a Narcissist on a daily basis, accusing me of gaslighting her when she was doing exactly that. Emotionally volatile and frightening to be around when angry...