BPDFamily.com

I've made quite a few posts on this forum and the community has made a huge impact on my life and I thank each and every one of you who responded to my posts. The journey has been hard, not texting her despite the heartbreaking urge to, no clarity, and no closure. The one thing I can say for sure, is that you guys helped me through this and I'm grateful that this forum exists. I'm not going to sugar coat anything, I'm depressed, extremely. Days like today make me rethink everything, rethink how I could have handled the situation differently, and how screwed up this whole thing truly is. Days like today make me wish she never reached out to me in the first place, learning experience or not, I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. The feeling of hatred and depression consume me at times, making daily life for me hard and sometimes impossible. Someone like that, who can take you in and spit you out like you're nothing, is truly terrifying. I know that a lot of you have probably dealt with something along the lines of what I'm going through and I know their is no easy explanation for why she did what she did. I'm not someone who would typically react like this after a breakup, but for some reason, this is hitting me from a whole different angle. I've never felt like this, never felt so empty and so alone. How someone who you did everything and would do anything for is gone. When we first met I swear it was like a dream. She was perfect for me in every way. I've had girlfriends, long term relationships, but nothing quite like this. I felt so attached and so close to her, we talked about a future, a house, kids, pets. How could someone be so cold to go behind your back and do something unspeakable is beyond me let alone not show one ounce of remorse at all. No apology, not guilt, and no grief. She was gone in the blink of an eye.

I don't know what to do next. I don't know how to feel and I don't know what is going on anymore. For those of you on this forum who have been through this or something similar to this, you know how painful a situation like this is. I guess my question to all of you lovely and amazing people on this forum is, how long does it take to "move on." How can I get her out of my head... it's been over a month, not long I know, but how can I attempt to forget about her and move on. What did y'all do.

it sounds like you want to hear something more specific than "healing isnt linear" and "everyone heals at a different rate". those things are certainly true. but there are folks that even years later, are still hurt, or bitter, or both. presumably, you would prefer that not to happen to you. healing completely and going on to thrive are fully possible. in that regard, it is more about what you do with the time that it takes to heal, than the amount of time; time only dulls pain. it doesnt heal wounds.

i think that it took me about a year in total to grieve, to mourn, to heal, and to move on. mind you, for the first three or so months, i still had hope and was clinging to the idea of getting back together. i was in a lot of pain, daily, constantly, but i dont think i had really begun to grieve. i think that that requires really accepting that the relationship is over, and that it is not coming back.

the most helpful thing for me was to learn new coping skills. mine werent so great historically. i would stop eating. i would abuse substances. i would try to build myself up in my head as a way to salve my ego, and i would try to tear down whomever broke up with me in my head. i would shame myself for feeling anything toward her. i did a lot of that in the aftermath of my breakup and it just didnt work. it got a lot easier on me when i realized and accepted that it was okay for me to feel whatever i felt. whether in the moment i missed my ex, or hated her. i acknowledged it without judgment. in doing so, you honor your grief rather than fight it. you dont try to forget about her. you grieve her.

learn to sit with and acknowledge your feelings mindfully. this is how we do it: https://bpdfamily.com/content/triggering-and-mindfulness-and-wise-mind

i leaned on my support group, as youre doing now. it makes a big difference. you can be raw and honest here. friends and family unfortunately can run out of things to say, or expect us to be further along. lean on them too though, as you can.

i did things to rebuild my confidence. being broken up with is an ego wound. being cheated on is an ego wound. rediscover your old hobbies and talents, but especially, learn new ones. mastering a new skill has an enormous effect.

get involved in something bigger than yourself. i think it would really help you to support others in their threads. it helps pull us out of our grief, even if briefly. at the same time, theres something about helping others that can reveal insights into our own plight, give us a new way of looking at it. it also makes us feel good, and more connected to others. additionally, make new friends. try new things. volunteer.

build and maintain a routine, slowly but surely. it restores a sense of normalcy.

dont just learn more about BPD. learn more about yourself. we can become far stronger, more resilient, and more successful in love. this is a really great place to do it. teach and apply what you learn, to others here.

have faith. if you are religious, certainly tap into that, but have faith, truly believe with certainty that it will get better, and that you will come out of this a stronger and better person, and be determined to see that through. it will sustain you in the darkest moments.

if you are depressed, see a doctor. gets a meds evaluation, or try supplements. they did wonders for me. theyre not a cure, but they made things far more manageable. make sure you are getting regular sleep. a messed up sleep schedule can really exacerbate depression.  

if you find yourself feeling stuck, and we all get stuck, it may mean that there is pain to move through that you are resisting. working through the ten beliefs that can keep us stuck is a series of hard pills to swallow, but that is how we progress and heal: https://bpdfamily.com/content/surviving-break-when-your-partner-has-borderline-personality

hope this helps, and that others will chime in with how they healed and moved on.

hang in there.