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I was dating this girl with quiet BPD very long distance for almost a year. She ended up ghosting me when I triggered her for a few months. Like most ex partners of someone with BPD I handled it friggin horribly like an addict. I was finally getting to a normal mind state. Proper meds therapy I felt great. A week into that she contacted me we talked for an hour and she explained to me what was going on. Shortly after she ghosted (I won't get into too many details but) she lost everything, got arrested, lost custody of her brothers, and any structure that kept her going, or was important. She mentioned a friend (a guy with BPD) who kinda put her in this situation. I didn't look deeply into it because her feelings on men and past sexual traumas she was in a 10 year relationship before me too. It all added up to me and we agreed to talk here or there. We talked every other day (our time difference is weird) but things were good. Some flirting good conversation for a week or so. Towards the end she asked my opinion because she was thinking about staying at the same dudes house for a little because it was so empty at hers and it was lonely and depressing. Trying to put my jealousy issues aside I said it probably not the best move especially if he is the one who put you in this situation and your trying to get your brothers back. She agreed but I knew she wouldn't listen and like 3-4 days ago I just expressed my concerns because it was bugging me and she said don't worry about it I probably won't and we'll talk in the morning rest well king ❤️ or whatever. And I messaged her when I woke up and have not heard from her since and it has really f*d me hard I've been struggling with myself. I'm not blocked she just isn't responding and I am just unsure what's going on or how to act or think or what and I was hoping to get some help and feedback from some of you if you could help.

Hi MaticResidue! Welcome! :hi:

Relationships with pwBPD can be bewildering and heart-breaking to be sure. The push-pull, the flips from perfect to painted black can all give you emotional whiplash.

It sounds like your ex has a history of cutting you off when you disagree on something, is that right? There's really no way of knowing right now what's going on. She could have decided to go ahead with her plan and doesn't want to face your (perceived) disapproval (guilt and shame can be HUGE with pwBPD where even the slightest disagreement can be a trigger). She could just be wrapped up in her own life and has too much to deal with to get back in touch.

You can't control her, what she thinks or what she does or doesn't do. You can only focus on you and your own life.

How are you doing now? Is your day-to-day life being affected?

We have had many times where she has withdrawn/disappeared for a few days through out last year before the big discard? Ghosting or whatever in January. Not necessarily on disagreements but yeah you are basically right. I honestly have a few of my own issues and traumas that dont make this easy on me or her at all. From January till we started talking again this month I went through every single type of emotion a human could feel. Including hating my self and being filled with guilt to absolutely hating her and trying to cut her from my mind knowing im better off. But at the end of the day I know we have a true genuine human connection and we both do love each other.

This time around I am not fairing well either. I have so many what if's and unknowns like how could she do this to me right after the last? Its still fresh. We were just getting accompanied again. Will she even come back? Do I want that? Will she do it again? Does she even care? Did I message her too much out of panic of feeling the same trauma? Does that weigh on when/if she comes back? Will something happen with that guy and she'll forget me for good? Do I just go? For my own sanity. But thats not what I want. I want her. I want her in my life. And I dont need anything to be picture perfect but just a little stability, consideration and signs of improvement on both our ends.

Its just hard to understand her when I am not technically in her real life. Especially while battling with my own insecurities and issues. Im basically blind and I am crap at guiding myself without some sort of help.

Im sorry for the long over winded response. I dont have much support on this and im a bit lost. But you definitely made me realize why shes not responding and you reinforced the idea that I cant control her that I tend to forget with everyone not just her. I appreciate the space to just get it out with people who would understand me more than most. So thank you <3
 

You're more than welcome! It's what we're here for.

You mentioned you'd had medication and therapy. Are you still seeing a therapist? Therapy (particularly with someone who specializes in situations like this) can be so beneficial for working through things and deciding what you want to do.

Also, self-care is a biggie. Do you have hobbies? Things you enjoy doing? Something as simple as taking a walk, journaling, reading a favorite book, volunteering for a cause that means something to you can really make a world of difference over time.