BPDFamily.com

I just read this in The guardian and thought I'd copy it and leave it here for anyone ineterested/facing a similar problem.

QUESTION

My daughter is 17 and in her first year of A-level study. She will soon be applying for university, and I am worried. She self-harms and suffers from depression. She has had counselling privately and through the NHS, but doesn’t want any more at the moment. To my knowledge, the last time she cut herself was last year. She has been taking antidepressants for the last six months; they have brought some relief and her mood has steadied.

Her poor relationship with her father (we separated some years ago) and historic bullying at school have left her with deep insecurities. I have a younger child and we are a close family unit, as well as being close to our extended family. I have not embarked on another relationship, and we have a peaceful home life.

I know mood changes are part of being a teenager, but in my daughter’s case there is additional cause for concern. My worry is how she will cope if she moves to a different city to go to university. She is planning to apply away from home, but sometimes comments that she will find it hard to move away from her family. The last thing I want to do is clip her wings, but I am terrified of what might happen if she doesn’t settle in well. I don’t have much faith in the support services available to students.

My plan is to say, “Please keep communicating, and if you feel like you aren’t coping and don’t want to continue with a course, you don’t have to. You can always change your mind.” I would like your take on this.

REPLY

The first thing to say is that you sound incredibly supportive and thoughtful – wonderful, positive attributes. I consulted Gail Walker, a child and adolescent psychotherapist (childpsychotherapy.org.uk) who works with self-harming teens and also in a university town. She felt that although you are full of doubt and worry, you do actually know the answer – it’s in your final paragraph, which is the perfect thing to say. Trust yourself and your mothering skills, even though you have understandable concerns.

Walker said that worrying about how your child will cope when they leave home is normal. It’s a big transition and, of course, you will have anxiety over the separation.

Obviously, in your daughter’s case there is extra stress, but the positive thing is that the two of you have a really good bond and a great ability to communicate. The trick is to ensure that this bond doesn’t hold you back: try to use it as a springboard to allow you to be independent of one another.

Yes, going away could be very difficult for her, but it could also be the beginning of something very positive, an exciting new chapter. Given she is talking of wanting to go away I would see this as a positive and let her lead the agenda. I also think it’s important she knows she can move away from you and that you will be OK.
I feel trapped in the small town my partner loves

Let’s look at what you can do on a practical level, when you know where she is going. Walker suggested: “Find out what pastoral support there is (it will be on the university website), make sure you have some private therapists on hand that she knows of – even if she isn’t keen on more therapy at the moment. Make sure she registers with the university GP service, so she has no break in her meds and understands that they will be the first port of call, if need be. Also make sure that she knows about the student support services.”

I know you have a lack of confidence in university services, but they won’t be the only support your daughter has: she still has you at the end of the phone and the rest of her family, and she will make friends. And some services are excellent.

Walker advised not getting in touch with services on her behalf. “It’s more about her knowing how to recognise if she needs help. Ask her, ‘If you started to feel like this, who could you ring, what would you do?’” You can do a risk assessment together.

You do need to let her fly and she needs to know you can handle her leaving. “She should be encouraged in her plans but reassure her that her family and you are always there,” Walker said.

And even if you panic, don’t let her see that. Be confident, in yourself, in her.

This is parenting a BPD in a nutshell.

Getting the balance right in encouragement is so so difficult though isn’t it?

Too much can be like “expectation” or “pressure”. They worry about failure.

Understanding 3 things helped me.

My son was like a rare orchid, that needs just the right conditions to be stable and grow.

Reinforcing the lesson that we learn by mistakes. I’d encourage with that message “we try an approach, if it doesn’t work out right then we try another way”. The focus is on problem solving.

We are here.

LP

Thanks for posting mamabolivia, such great advice in this article.