BPDFamily.com

Hi everyone,
I’m almost fifty and I just figured out that my sister has BPD. For 30 years I have watched her struggling with violent behavior—mainly verbal, sometimes physical—burning one relationship after the next.  I always thought she was just unlucky and had bad taste in relationships.  She also had a convincing narrative of my just having been understood and loved more by our mom, making me feel guilty about my happiness. When she divorced 10 years ago, I asked her (and her kids) to come live with my family (husband and 4 kids). Whether that was out of guilt or love, I will never know. 

For ten years I had the best set up for my kids: 7 amazing kids in a house growing up with joy.  I ran the show. All the while I ignored her growing lack of balance as I attributed her aggressive and unpredictable behavior to stress from her job. When it culminated in a brutal assault in which she pummeled me in the head with the hardest fist blows she could muster in front of my older kids, I went and got help. With a bad black eye, I described to a therapist everything that led to this and she said “have you ever heard of BPD?” 

In reading the Stop walking on Eggshells book my hands shook and I sobbed with relief. This was my life. Every bit of it. Everything I had tried to justify, everything that had been torturing me became a clear diagnosis with some tools to manage the situation.

I have since moved to a new home with my small family. I couldn’t face dealing with my feelings or with the implications of this diagnosis (which is obviously only second hand) until I was safe from abuse and controlling terror.  Now that I am safe and relieved, I must deal with the question of whether it is ok for  me to leave my nephews with her. Her ex husband is kind, but in Europe and also quite traumatized by the 20years of verbal and emotional abuse through her. She has been refusing to speak with him for 10 years and communicates only with hate filled emails.  He does not know what to do.

I am so scared that she will scar my nephew. He already fears her wrath like no child should. She yells at him almost daily and sometimes gets physical (I don’t know what that means,  that she has said to me that she has “beaten him up”). He is brilliant and huge, so he claims he is fine, but I know he can’t be.

If i went to dcf, they would send a reviewer and I know she would pass with flying colors. She is a brilliant liar and elegant, professionally successful person. 

I fear not being able to prove abuse (although I have photos of my black eye), but more importantly, I fear her violent reaction should I do anything.

I have mentioned that she should get help on a list of challenges she describes having and manifests (symptoms taken from SWE) and she flipped out saying I’m the one who is ill.

Now what, dear friends? Do I call her therapist, who believes her victim story? DCF? Do I convince my European ex brother in law to take her to court?  I feel stuck.

To make matters worse, the therapist I had can no longer treat parents unless the kids are in her practice, which I don’t have. So I need a new therapist in Boston area.

Please please send any advice you may have. It feels good to write to people who can understand. 

And thank you Randy for the amazing books...

Hi and *welcome*

There is a lot to unpack in your story.  You've been dealing with so much and I can imagine it was a relief to find out what was going on with your sister.   

Do you still have contact with your sister and her son?  How old is your nephew?  Is he old enough where you can help him set up a safety plan for himself, even something as simple as a list of people and their numbers to call if he runs into a bad situation?  How far away are you? 

I am not sure how to advise you re: intervening and contacting DCF.  I do know that you can make an anonymous call and your sister may never know who it was who called.  I also understand your concern about her going into a rage as well. 

Is her ex husband aware that she attacked you and that she says she hits their son?

Sorry for all the questions.  Like I said, I am not sure how to advise you but we can certainly support you as you sort through your options.

Again, welcome!

So sorry you are having to deal with all this, it sound very tricky. If I understand you right, your current concern is for your nephew and how you can help him ? It’s your sister’s violent approach that you fear the most ? Is that right ?

My NPD Bro was very violent and no contact was the only way with him. A BPD/NPD loses interest if they don't get a rise, don't get what they want from you. So when I went NC, I had a torrent of abuse which eventually died down to nothing at all. Trouble is, if your sister has always managed to put fear into people using violence, why on earth would she stop ?

Someone with BPD must win no matter what. So if you can find a way that makes your sister feel like she has won and you get what you want, there’s your quick win. Can you think of one ?

A BPD cares what the crowd thinks, so my BPD did most of her abuse when we were alone. So some presence from your nephews father or you can only help. A BPD likes attention.  If you were to go the DCF route, could you not simply collect enough evidence first, so she couldn't talk her way out of it ?  If the father did get involved, if he’s in Europe, how much of the real situation will he see ? If he's in Boston, then it would make sense to encourage him to visit.

From  personal experience, if you go head to head with a BPD, you need to plan well, really well and you need to disable them somehow, from getting back at you. Because they need to win. Sometimes it make sense to throw them a win, just so you get what you want. So for example, pretending you want to see your sister, just to keep a watchful eye of your nephew. How old is the nephew, i.e. is he old enough to leave, or plan to leave ? Would he leave or is he anchored by F.O.G. ? A BPD has black and white thinking, so your either for them or against them. Sounds like your sister sees her ex as being against her and your nephew wants to be seen to be on her team (due to fear, obligation etc..). How does she currently view you ? For or against ? If you are playing the long game, you may need to be seen as on team sister. Otherwise she will isolate your nephew, cut you out as she did his father. Like Harri says, we probably need to know more to give better advice.

How old is the son?  In my country when they reach age16 they are able to legally decide for themselves where they want to live.
He can then make his own decision.
I took my nephew in when he was 16, as otherwise I knew his BPD mother would have fought it.  She still abused me and would send the cops around to our house saying that he wasn't safe here.
I blocked her totally and trespassed her when she turned up an told the police to ignore her.  Eventually she hit rock bottom and then got treatment, and turned to her victim nice stage.  I talk to her daily now by my choice to support her to get through her day.  I try not to think that one day she may go back to abusive.  She is on the waiting list for DBT treatment now.