BPDFamily.com

How do you not allow yourself to feel guilty that somehow it’s your fault that your child has BPD?

Oh Nutter I do know how you feel. Sometimes I also feel guilty. Then I remind myself I did and still do my very best. His BPD is not my fault. I didn't cause it and I can't fix it. What I can do is keep loving my child. Perhaps that is somewhat of an answer for you too. Is it?

My daughter's biological father had BPD, so I believe my child's BPD came from genetics.  I have looked over how we raised her (she is 20 now), and while it didn't go great, as she had BPD from the very beginning, we did the best we could. We didn't know it was BPD that she had, as we never knew what the father's diagnosis actually was, only the behaviors.  I have some regrets, especially about how I reacted sometimes to her horrendous behaviors and constant lack of cooperation.  That said, again, I did the very best I could, and given the degree of difficulty I dealt with, I feel I did ok.  She, of course, doesn't, and she repeatedly tells me that she didn't choose to be born and is angry that I let her be born.  My husband and I tried to give her very normal and fulfilling experiences.  We couldn't get her to agree to many extra curricular activities, but we took her on lots of vacations and trips, allowed her to bring friends along, and spent good time with her in our home.  Many days were fraught with discipline issues that came home from school, and eventually, I had to tell the schools to handle their issues with her at the school, because we needed to handle discipline issues that occurred at home with her (there were issues everywhere she went, and we needed to be able to address the home things and let the school address the school things, as much as possible). 
At this point in our lives, I do not let my daughter bring her negativity to me constantly, because it has too much of an impact on my own state of mind.  I am her mother, and I tell her that the constant negative conversation isn't good for my own health, so she is not allowed to call me and dump her suicidal ideations on me.  I have recently told her not to call me unless it's to tell me something good she is doing or involved in.  As her mother, I want to hear that my child is thriving, and until she is, I don't want to hear all the terrible stuff, day in and day out...I've already heard so much of it that it depressed me and put me in her frame of mind...and at that point, I realized, I needed that to stop, so I demanded that it did stop.

100% genetic

My grandfather, mother, a young cousin, and my DD all had or have personality disorders.  It was my cousin who made the connection, when her 3yo son started to display what she termed the 'family difficult personality.'   It really connected so many dots, and everything I've read confirmed it.

As the mother of two daughters, one with a PD and one without, I can say that the PD daughter has had a lack of empathy, fraught emotions, and failed friendships since she was three years old.   Not much has changed in 18 years. 

Sadly, knowing all this, my non-PD daughter is worried about having children, and I can't say I blame her.

Great question! What helped me is therapy. It still hurts when my BPD son lashes out but I honestly don't feel guilty. His behavior has to do with his inability to regulate his emotions. It is not about me. Are you in therapy too? Along with this group, I find it very helpful.