BPDFamily.com

This is my first post and my first time on a forum such as this.  My  younger and only sister was diagnosed many years ago with BPD.  I suspect she has been this way since early childhood.  I have always been the target of her worst abuse, and my parents were unable or unwilling to put a stop to it.  Even though my mother is well aware of the diagnosis, and bought the book Walking on Eggshells for herself to learn how to cope, she still maintains the view that what goes on between my sibling and I is just sibling rivalry.  My sibling never left home, so my main coping mechanism for many years now has been to limit visits to my parents in order to limit contact with her.  Unfortunately, my father recently passed away, and my mother is now in hospital and likely to be moved to a nursing home.  This has forced me into regular contact with my sibling, which is very difficult because the abusive behaviour has not only continued but escalated due to the recent family crises.  As I know many of you know, siblings with BPD can be particularly cruel because they know all of your vulnerabilities from childhood onwards, and they also seem to know how to ferret out information no matter how much you try to keep your life private from them (I have lost track of the number of times my sibling befriended people who were my friends in order to glean information, as well as the number of times I had people who I knew well, and sometimes total strangers, tell me what an awful person I was for treating my sister so badly).  I initially tried limiting contact to emails only, because she would say something on the telephone one day, and if I referenced it the next day, she would deny saying it, and then let me know that I must be having memory problems due to my advanced age (we are both in our late fifties).  Last weekend, I had enough and blocked her email address as well, because the abuse is so horrific.  The issue I am having now is that we will soon have to make some decisions about my mother's care, and they should be joint decisions.  I have let my sibling know that I am willing to work with her, just not willing to put up with her abuse any longer, but she turns it around and accuses me of being the one who is abusive, even while she is calling me names and accusing me of terrible things that are not true.  I have been trying to sort out my mother's affairs at my mother's request (survivor pensions, final income tax for my father, etc) and my sibling does nothing but put up roadblocks, even though she is unwilling/unable to deal with these matters.  I have even made it clear that I want nothing from either of my parents, because I am fine financially and she has been on disability for twenty plus years, and has a very limited income.  I am at the end of my rope, because I am not willing to put up with her abuse any longer, and I also want to do what is best for my mother.  Any advice is welcome.       

Hi and welcome to  bpdfamily :hi:

Dealing with a BPD sibling can be quite challenging. I am sorry you are in this difficult situation.

Very sorry too that your dad recently passed away. It's often quite tough losing a close family-member. How was your relationship with your dad?

Currently you are faced with a difficult situation now that decisions need to be made about your mother's care. Unfortunately, your sister's behavior is only making things even more difficult.

Your sister has been diagnosed with BPD, what led up to her getting this diagnosis? Was there perhaps a specific crisis?

Did your sister get any targeted treatment for her issues after receiving this official BPD diagnosis?

Take care

The Board Parrot

I understand, my sister has BPD and I have put up with abuse from her.  Lucky I have another sister and can share the load!
What is the legal status of your Mum, do you have power of aterny?  IF so it is up to you to do what is best for your Mum, not your sister.
Avoid games, by not getting involved in the first place, and don't be a people pleaser, just do what you think is right and fair.  If you are not sure, ask a independant professional.
Hope that helps.