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Title: My wife is always so quick to spin something small into a tornado... Post by: Sparkey on May 02, 2019, 08:45:26 AM How do I stop little things that are so small from becoming so unbelievably huge?
Title: Re: My wife is always so quick to spin something small into a tornado... Post by: Ozzie101 on May 02, 2019, 08:49:46 AM Hi Sparkey! Welcome! :hi:
Can you give us an example of something small being blown up into something massive? Title: Re: My wife is always so quick to spin something small into a tornado... Post by: Sparkey on May 02, 2019, 08:54:42 AM When her daughter doesn’t respond immediately to a text, I try to sooth and say maybe she’s busy, or fell back asleep or her phone died... that she’s getting very agitated over such a small thing, and then she yells at me and says I don’t know how she feels, etc. etc.. maybe I should leave her, or find someone else
Title: Re: My wife is always so quick to spin something small into a tornado... Post by: Ozzie101 on May 02, 2019, 09:01:56 AM When you respond to her, do you actually say out loud she's getting agitated over something small? Or is it just your thoughts?
Title: Re: My wife is always so quick to spin something small into a tornado... Post by: Sparkey on May 02, 2019, 09:28:59 AM I have told her I think it’s not such a big deal to get so worked up over. I am trying to learn that just because it’s very logical to me... to her it’s not.
Title: Re: My wife is always so quick to spin something small into a tornado... Post by: Ozzie101 on May 02, 2019, 09:38:53 AM True, it's not.
You probably already know this, but pwBPD tend to be hypersensitive. Things that seem minor to a Non can be a life-or-death thing to the pwBPD. Validation is extremely important and a valuable tool to have in your toolbox. In a case like this, I know you're trying to soothe and calm her. But when you say “This is such a small thing. It's nothing to get upset over” what she may be hearing is “Your feelings are wrong. You are wrong. I don't care about you or her feelings.” When her daughter doesn't respond, she could be thinking "She hates me. She's ignoring me on purpose. She's dead. I'm never going to hear from her again." Those aren't insignificant things. Seems irrational, right? But it's true. For pwBPD, feelings = facts. Something that might be a minor sunburn to you is like a third-degree burn needing a complete skin graft to the pwBPD. We have a lot of tools and articles here that you might want to take a look at: https://bpdfamily.com/content/listen-with-empathy https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-dont-be-invalidating Give those articles a look and let us know what you think. Do they make sense? Do you think they're tools you might be able to use? You may find that if you really listen with empathy and validate her feelings (but don't validate something invalid), you will get a very different response from her and that little breeze may stay a breeze instead of becoming a tornado. If you were in this situation, what might be a more validating way to respond to her? |