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When I'm around the person with BPD for more than 6 hours, I actually feel dysregulated. idk if it's the walking on eggshells, the roller coaster atmosphere, the hyper focused attention or what. Has anyone else experienced that?

Hi Hopeandjoy!

Yes, it happened with my ex, my disordered mother and a friend with uBPD.  It was exhausting and draining for me.  a lot of it, for me, was because being around them did in fact set me off.  My desire to fix things, fear of them flying off the handle and trying to control my own temper.   Walking on eggshells is not easy and for me, ultimately, it was not sustainable.

oh, thanks for sharing your experience!
sometimes it makes me question myself, and it gives the pwBPD something to blame me for. 

   It can be very confusing and unsettling.

Are you familiar with Projection (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=70931.0)?  It is a defense people use when they are upset and can't handle their own feelings.  Rather than deal with them they will project them on others.  I wonder if that is a bit of what is going on with your SO.  For me, learning about projection really helped me in not taking things so personally which helped me with detaching so I was able to respond rather than react.  Anyway, I thought I'd throw this out here.

It is hard to remain calm and steady in a relationship with a pwBPD.  Do you practice Mindfulness?

Yes, i do believe its projection.

By mindfulness, I may be thinking of something different than what you are referring to. I live simply and I love it.

We spend a lot of time apart and i focus on my life most of the time. i feel like I'm not ready to spend more time with him, I get so out of balance around him. I am going to get some headphones so that next time i can listen to music and check out from time to time, because i get overwhelmed and smothered around him.

what happens when youre around him that makes you feel out of balance? can you give us some examples?

What do you mean by dysregulated? Are you having emotional responses that are poorly modulated, and do not fall within the conventionally accepted range of emotive response for the situations you are responding to?

Around the pwBPD I feel drained overall, confused by the projection, and seems like the pwBPD is constantly in my face. By dysregulated, I mean that I have more fluctuation in emotions than I normally do.

What is the "ongoing" controversy in the relationship from his side - his opinion?

I would not be offended if you simply write your general tips/ facts related to your opinion. The goal of this thread is to establish how common it is to feel dysregulated around the pwBPD.

It is extremely 'common' Hopeandjoy,

… caveat, I'm not a clinician, nor a trained health care professional… but I married a person (2nd marriage) whom I suspect is BPD/npd, even perhaps traits of histrionic, I've tried to educate myself, for several years now… so I am speaking from day to day life experience, spanning over a decade, and beyond… as I was married before to another (suspected BPD now)… but that said, every relationship is different.

So here it is…

We as the "non" in the relationship, may have a good idea of what 'normal' may be… so when the pwBPD leaves the rails so to speak, we tend to try and reason out why, most of us are "fixers"… and "caretakers"… we may even try to discus why with the pwBPD, which is quite futile when the pwBPD is in a rage, or is on the verge of issuing the silent treatment sentence to us… pwBPD have all sorts of confused feelings inside, many times they feel they have no control over themselves, so the pwBPD will attempt to control others, to attempt to gain a semblance of stability… they will control (attempt) their outside environments resultant, ie' us the non partner, kids, step kids, friends, family… the control element is _forefront_, and when the non does not tow the line… punishment is then meted out… its a viscous cycle… control, and punish… control and punish… and if the non, or whomever does not "go along"… the punishments may become severe… its all about control… its their way, the pwBPD to self sooth in a way…

… that's where we as the non come to feel dysregulated, as you are describing… for example (basic)… we know the "sky is blue"… well, the pwBPD may come out and say to you, the sky is green… we are like [what?]… we may attempt to correct, and then the pwBPD will sense loss of control, so they "attack"… we may try to reason with them (mistake = JADE'ing)…

Somewhere in there the control punish thing is directly wired to the BPD's fear of abandonment… and or enmeshment _ engulfment (inner turmoil & confusion)… its crazy making…

So there we are, feeling attacked, even damaged by the verbal onslaught… "the sky is GREEN!"… when we know for a fact its indeed blue… so we become dysregulated (confused reaction) trying to sort all this out in our minds… we all have done this…

Myself, even when I think I know why I'm being lambasted, over whatever, pick a subject… when its actually happening, the 'cognitive dissonance' is quite thick, and so is the 'FOG' in the midst of the 'gas-lighting'… I start to lose myself sometimes… and I begin to accept that everything the pw/BPD is telling me, I'm this, that or the other… I start to believe it (dysregulation)… then I may, or may not 'catch myself'…

Keep posting!

Kind Regards, Red5

This entire reply is gold, exactly what I needed to hear! I will make more effort to stay grounded when I'm around the pwBPD. Thanks!