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I've had a mental image popping up in my head lately of a car spinning its wheels in the mud.  It's this image of putting all your energy into something that gets you nowhere.  I can see it in other people who seem to look for a job or a relationship that will allow them to spend all of their energy without getting anywhere.  I can see it in my own choices in the past when I have chosen to put myself in a situation that will allow me to remain stuck where I am.

When I think back on my last 2 long term relationships, I realize that I intentionally chose these people because they would allow me to remain stuck.  They were both people that needed a lot of help just to cope with life.  I was more than happy to dump all my energy into helping them.  As long as I was doing that, I didn't have to worry about working towards my own growth, right?

I suspect that some of you on this board have the same inclination.  Why would we chose to be a car spinning its wheels in the mud?  I thought it was because I was not good enough or strong enough and I didn't want to face that reality.  I chose relationships with people who allowed me to continue to be oblivious to my own issues and provided plenty of distractions for me. 

I used to think it was that, but then I ran across this quote that made me think differently:

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."
- A Return to Love, Marianne Williamson

Being fixated on my own weaknesses is a sort of red herring I've created for myself.  I chose to be with people who were happy to keep me chasing after that red herring.  And all of this effort, all of this energy spent was just to avoid the realization that I am awesome; I am a creation of worth and beauty.

I would like to hear your thoughts on this.  Has anyone else encountered a similar realization on the path to healing?

For me it was about what to do with that herring if I ever caught it. I mean, chasing perfection is good and all, but what if I ever achieved it? It scared me at one point, I probably messed up a relationship because of it.

In the end I'm seeing it not like "stop doing it" and more like "choose the best path to it".

I don't like giving up on something potentially good just because it might be unachievable. A few years back everyone knew it was impossible to fly, and now we're planning on sending people to other planets.

And if I don't ever get my "perfect" then at least I'm ok with having chosen the journey I thought was best for me.

Its actually a lot of fun to splash dirt everywhere just because, but it becomes a problem when you think you're actually getting somewhere when you notice "a change, a movement" of the sinking vehicle

I didn't intentionally choose to be stuck. I didn't have enough self-awareness to realize that was happening. I thought we were going to get out of the hole together, and by the time I realized we were both stuck, I thought I could get out of the mud and drag him with me. If I could just let him know there was a way out of the mudhole, wouldn't he want to get out? Surely he would! But, no. It was a futile effort, and I dug a deeper hole for myself until I realized that only one of us was going to make it out.

I like that quote. That is how I have felt at times. Sometimes it feels safe to stay where our light doesn't shine so bright, because reaching our potential comes with responsibilites that can be scary.