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I've been with my wife for 37 years and although there has always been signs such as splitting (particularly towards my mother), I always excused it by saying to myself "she has repressed so much of her own unhappy childhood. We have  on the whole have had a good and generally supportive marriage through thick and thin. Although now looking back I probably was too accomodating . I was an only child and she from a family of 9. So often I would excuse been sidelined as " not understanding what coming from a large family meant". But as I said, I was content in my relationship. 3 years ago I retired , and at the same time my mother died and then the rages , accusations of abandonedment and being uncaring started, it increased when I got a small inheritance. Things were starting to settle down when my wife was diagnosed with cancer and over the last 2 1/2 years has been going through treatments (it is in remission). The rages have got worse , focusing on my lack of care and accusations of abandonedment lasting many hours . As it says I have been constantly treading on eggshells. She demanded we buy a smaller house which seemed sensible but having done that now refuses to sell our old family home. We have always been careful of money but now she spends as if it's to punish me . I have tended to soak up the hours of uncontrolled verbal attacks because I've felt it's "because she is under so much pressure". The anger is often totally disproportionate to the thing that I have been accused of doing or not doing. She tells me it's over and wants a divorce and accuses me of abusive and blizzare behaviour then will  text me about something trivial like do I want to go shopping . Last week however she burst into my bed room at 4 am almost threw me out of bed and started another tirade of accusations , half asleep and not as aware as I usually am I responded by picking up a knife and saying "next you will be saying I'm threatening you with this" stupid I know and normally would never retaliate but being half asleep and dazed by the ambush I responded to her verbal assults. I've had to go live at the old house which is basically empty and dispite being together for 37 years and just wanting to take care of my wife whilst she goes through with her illness I'm not sure I can take anymore and totally lost my sense of who I am after 3 years of accusations, rages and controlled manipulation . She can switch in an instant if someone calls .I have avoided meeting old friends and Feeling guilty at seeking out any of  my needs no matter how small. I guess living at the old house dispite being empty , cold and full of memories I feel at least Ive got some inner peace although all I really want is to look after my lovely wife.

hi Oxo, and *welcome*

you sound exhausted, and pained.

there are a lot of issues here. they did not develop over night, and they will not be resolved over night (besides, you dont want to rock the boat too much too soon). but there is certainly hope.

i suspect that the cancer diagnosis was a catalyst for things getting worse. facing mortality is scary for anyone. with someone with deep fears of abandonment, a person in that position would be hyper in tune with the waxing and waning of your attention (even to a distorted point), and its not uncommon that the reaction to that is to lash out.

often times, the first step in improving a relationship is to stop the bleeding. theres a lot of conflict and a lot of resentment here. we have two tools here (they very much go hand in hand) that can go a long way toward stopping the bleeding and the conflict, and begin to take off some of the tension.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/listen-with-empathy
https://bpdfamily.com/content/ending-conflict

additionally, youre going to need a strong support system. im glad you reached out to us, and i encourage you to stick around and involve yourself closely with other members, and in learning the tools.

the sleep deprivation is also concerning...we arent at our best in those circumstances, and its far harder to think in terms of stopping the bleeding. is this a recent development?

Thanks for your feedback. I guess I always as fearful of what would happen once my mother died. The hatred towards her was extreme from my wife. Sleeping is poor for both of us but unfortunately my wife cannot spend time just relaxing to allow us to recover. So we lurch from one crisis to another. As I said staying at the old house , recognecting with old friends and having a sense of peace is helping me dispite really wanting to be there for my wife.