Print Page - Push/Pull Behaviour 2

He came round for his tools and was like a child with a new toy.
I made him a coffee. He was there for about 15 mins. He obviously has a lot of work to do for tomorrow so his stress levels are high.

I asked him if he wanted to arrange something for next time he is home. His response was: ‘lets not arrange anything as i will probably have to work and you will probably be out with the c&£)s and you will forget youve arranged anything. You spend it with the more important people in your life and that will be the c£&@!s.’

I said nothing. He was in a hurry and i feel he wasnt in the mood for listening. How though, am i supposed to get through to him that my friends are not my priority, i understand how he could feel that, and the ‘quality time’ explanation from itsmesnap makes sense, because he thinks my quality time is spent with friends NOW. Its not, some of my time is spent with friends, as is his. What could i do to help him understand that my time with him is a priority, he wont even let me organise anything so we can spend time together. I feel like ive had a massive shove back from him for having my birthday party with friends.

Well i carried with my day. I then got a call from him to see if i would like to meet him in the pub for an hour. As i was going that way to the garden centre and my parents, i said yes. So i went and i still wasn’t allowed to touch him and most of the conversation was general put me downs of myself, which i can handle. I stayed for an hour and then went to my parents. I came home and did the garden.

Ive just come in and he had called me again. He said someone had collected this massive tool box that has been sitting in his dining room for 3 years, ive always commented about it as its still in the box it came in. Anyway, he now has a lot of space, which has inspired him to tidy the rest. So when he is home next time, we are going to sort it out. Not only that but he has suggested a holiday the week before xmas to New York. He has always wanted me to see it and asked if i want to go. I said that would be nice. Then he said ive got till xmas to get my s&£t in one bag, (hes said this many times and i still dont know what he means) as ‘I’ procrastinate. That was projection, ive never known anyone take so long to sort things out, years even. Anyway, the holiday thing was unexpected but something to look forward to.

Every opportunity he takes to say i dont make him a priority.

This afternoon he asked me to look at places to stay in New York. I have never been there so I didn’t have a clue. He asked me to get back to him about it, no specific time. So i carried on with my evening and the things i had to do, looked at the websites about New York and still was non the wiser.

So ive just called him and apparently i didnt get back to him quick enough, so now im not making him a priority. It took all my strength to not jade. When i said that i had looked but i didnt know where anything was, and that as hed been there he would have more of an idea of the areas, he just said can’t i look at the map and work it out. Well to me that seems that he just wants me to sort it all out.

Im glad hes going away for two weeks.

Supertrouper, have I got this right?

He came home for two days and it was your birthday. He was supposed to be away working so you'd already arranged a birthday party with your friends. His work schedule changed and so he was home. He was invited to your party but he wouldn't go because they're all c%€nts.

Disgusting word, by the way. If my partner was talking about my friends like that - and particularly using that word - he wouldn't be talking to me for very long.

Anyway, he was home for your birthday. Did he take you anywhere to celebrate your birthday? Did he buy you a gift?

You say he was very busy and stressed organising things for work. What things? And yet, it sounds like he spent most of those two days in the pub.

Is that right?

Hi SaM, my actual birthday is the 20th May. The birthday party was arranged a while ago in Feb/March time for myself and another lady whose birthday is after mine, it was just an event we thought would be nice to get all our friends together to celebrate our 50th, even though early and if he had stayed on his normal work rotation, he would have been away working. No partners were invited, it was a ladies night out.

He came home officially from work on the 29th April and went away to do extra overtime work that he volunteered for on 8th May and came back on the sat 11th, he was supposed to be back on the 10th, but it ran over.

So he will be away for my actual birthday. I have not received any card or gift from him for then. I am doubting that i will get anything when he returns or even a happy birthday on my birthday.

He says he was busy and i do believe he had a bit to do to get ready for work tomorrow but i think more time was spent in the pub than he admitted.

Excerpt

Then he said ive got till xmas to get my s&£t in one bag, (hes said this many times and i still dont know what he means)

My dad who I strongly suspect (not diagnosed) BPD does that with travel plans, get angry at everyone and everything for not being ready, and then taking his time (unreasonably extended) making things "perfect" while everyone is left waiting. We can't help of course, because we'd mess things up, be sloppy or lazy or doing things that way "just to piss him off"; but one second after he's done and you're still "not ready" (as in, be in the car already with things all sorted so he doesn't even have to think about letting you know its time to go) and he'll rage away.

maybe its something like that?

Excerpt

How though, am i supposed to get through to him that my friends are not my priority

Talk about someone else's friends and how they hang out, but focus on them being second to their partners. He'll likely "twist it" to fit his own situation.

Again, my dad did something similar. We were talking about our own father-son dynamic with my aunt and a cousin, so I said I did not agree with some things he was doing, but I would support his decision anyway. When it was his time to talk, he started talking about "his students" (he's a teacher) and how they always try to take power away from him and do things their way.

He was obviously talking about me, but wouldn't say it outright. Easier to let me "internalize it".

Anyway, in another situation a few years back my aunt was talking about being annoyed when people are stingy with toilet paper (sorry, gross maybe, bear with me).

She runs a very small rural "hotel" so she always likes to have supplies available for guests. So in talking my dad agreed to most things discussed, but when that came up he realized he'd been doing just what my aunt was complaining about, his face changed and he agreed that was a bad habit.

I have never noticed him be stingy with it after that (I lived with him until very, very recently).

My point is that sometimes its easier to talk about what other people are doing wrong to lower the "intended recipient's" defenses and/or not make it seem like a personal stab at them.

Even if the information is not exactly "relevant", people make their own assumptions about what you think and generalize, so maybe if you talk about being cool with others going out with friends while talking about how in love they are with their partner or whatever, maybe he will convince himself you're thinking the same about your own relationships (with friends and himself).

Obviously the "direct approach" didn't work (he won't believe it if you told him he's first), and I'm no psychology expert to say this will either or what effect it might have (backfire maybe?), but maybe that can get you thinking about situations when you yourself have been able to get through to him.

Thank you ItsmeSnap, i will try that approach and see what happens.

I got on with my day and texted him just before he went away. He called back and said he was just buying a car. This is where i see the impulsiveness in him, in buying things. Fair enough this car will be for work but he straight away said he will upgrade it within two years. Now, he already has a car, which was bought on extreme impulse, as he didnt need another one and he spent a fortune on it and has probably driven 50 miles in it, if that. He will have to sell that.

I called him later to see if he’d settled in and he was pleased with the accommodation etc. He said I would love it, my style. He even said that if they got days off because of bad weather that i should go down there. Then he talked about his new car and it was more practical for work and big enough to go away for the weekend. I did check that he didn’t expect me to sleep in it. He just meant you could just throw a couple of suitcases in it and just go. I said that would be nice. So he is a bit more ‘normal’ today, calm talking, no put me downs or emotional stuff thrown at me. I know that wont last.

Im feeling a bit tired today. So i texted him earlier about next weekend, we are out for the night and i wanted his opinion on where to stay.

He called back this evening and said he didnt mind. So i will have a look. However, the next part of the conversation was all about him, his work day, his car, his car insurance, his dinner for the next few days, yeah that sort of thing.He never asked me what id been doing or if id had a good day yesterday or today even. I did get asked my opinion on the last episode of game of thrones though and obviously some of my opinions were wrong.

I know a lot of stuff is ‘all about them’, most of the time but sometimes it would be nice to just talk about what ive been up to.

Hes back home now, came back on mon. He called when he arrived home and went straight to the pub. He did manage to talk.

Today, hes moaning because he has spent a lot of money today. His new car, insurance and petrol cost him a fortune, ‘money is gushing like water out of his account’ his words. Moaned about the insurance company and how he has had a busy day. Only moaned once about me and that was about a car that I apparently had made him buy (I didnt).because ‘I’ wanted him to come round mine more often, a year or so ago. Apparently he didnt have much money to buy one then, so blaming me for spending his money.That was definitely not anything to do with me. I repeated what he said back to me to see if there would be anymore, but there was nothing. Projection about how much money he is spending. He has two cars now. Again he never asked me about my day.

I would like to know why he keeps asking my permission to get back to what he is doing. He has done this a few times since hes been away and today and yesterday. He is usually in the pub. Its like hes asking my permission for him to drink.

Im going round to my friends now whose birthday is tomorrow, i might get more of a conversation from her.

BPDbf sounds like hes not in a good place. Hes been on a course today and i think it was a bit boring.

So i texted him asking about his day and he texted back saying no he fell into a coma as it was so boring. So I texted back that i hoped he was having a better evening which he replied ‘same s£&t, the earth is still spinning and im still on it’. I wasnt sure how to answer that so i called him.

Yeah, he sounded tired and like hed been in the pub most of the evening. Then the phone went slightly funny so that i couldnt hear him very well and it sounded like he was rattling it around his pocket. It kept going off as well. He called back and so did I but the same thing. So i texted him back, ‘im sorry that i couldnt hear you on your phone. So i will talk to you tomorrow and hopefully the signal would be better. Sleep well love x’

His answer, ‘ may angels and ministers sing you to your rest’. Im sure that’s what they say at funerals isnt it.

So i texted him to ask if his day had gone ok and asked if he wanted some company in the pub tonight. Never got an answer even though he had read it.

So i waited a bit and then texted again and asked him if he was still busy as he had been on another course today that was finishing at 3.

He then did call back and asked me what the urgency was. I replied there was no urgency and asked if he had seen my previous text. He said yes but i was busy. So i asked him again if he wanted some company tonight, that i could come and meet him and he said why. When i said to come and see you as i havent seen you for over two weeks, and he then asked why. I said to talk and chat. He went silent and then said, well i will be in bed by 10, started going on how he almost didnt get up this morning, i then said that it sounded like he was not having a good day yesterday, but he denied it. Then he said he just wanted to spend some time on his own. Thats fine, we all do. However, he will be in a pub talking to his friends, who he has probably arranged to meet. So i just said enjoy your dinner and goodbye.

Now i just feel pushed away even more and that im just a spare part on the side when he can be bothered to interact with me.

We are going for a night and stay out tomorrow. I will keep it upbeat and relaxing, however i think he is in a push cycle, hadnt really wanted to talk much to me this week and hasnt wanted to see me at all. He seems anxious when i just spoke to him. I even asked him what time he wanted to set off and he couldnt answer that, i had to make the decision. Im not sure why he is in a push part of the cycle, i really dont. It does annoy me but i know how to deal with it, ie dont JADE and dont get annoyed and demand, but its boring too for me, as we could be doing so much together, but he seems to not be able to.

Any other ideas of how to deal with the push phase.

Unfortunately I didn’t hold it together. Fueled with frustration about him hardly talking to me, it was an effort to keep myself upbeat and trying to keep the conversations going, and one too many gins, i got pushed over the edge. I let him know how upset i was about his attitude during the day, yeah i cried, it all came out, i was really upset, im not sure what triggered me off, he must have just kept ignoring me. Told him how he blows hot and cold and i dont know where i am or what to do. I told him i would leave him alone if thats what he wanted. It was not my finest hour, im usually pretty strong, but all my frustrations and emotions came out. He kept saying that he felt ignored because i chose my friends over him. Even in my emotional state I remember saying, im sorry that he felt ignored and i knew what it felt like, but the truth was i dont chose my friends over you, i see them them when you’re not around, but i prefer to see you but you ignore me.

He was trying to comfort me and said sorry that he had upset me but i wasnt really receptive at that time to be comforted. So we went to sleep.

This morning he was much nicer, i was exhausted so i was quiet. Last night i wouldnt let him even touch me to comfort me so this morning he asked if he could, which i said yes. He just held my hand and said take your time to get ready and we’ll grab a coffee on the way home.

When i got in the car i did apologise for the state that i was in the night before, that really wasnt me but i was frustrated. The ride home was ok and he got out the car and gave me a big hug and said he would call me later. Then he said about how a mix of hormones and beer dont mix, so hes still convinced its my hormones, and that may be part of it, but most of it is frustration about his behaviour. Guaranteed my behaviour last night was not anyway under control, thankfully i dont drink all the time, id be a right mess.

Im having a quieter day today.

He just called to check i was ok. Which i am. I asked if he was ok and he was and he said in a jokey fashion, apart from being called all the names under the sun yesterday and that i was a complete b-/:;(d apparently. I did not call him any names and certainly not that one, a little exaggeration on his part. He did though say that i had made some valid points and that yes he had been ignoring me.

When i asked him why, he said that it was because i was in a funny mood from the start. I wasnt, i was hoping to have a good day. By the end of the day i was definitely in a funny mood but not at the beginning, i gather that was projection. When i asked him why he thought i was in a funny mood, he said because i was disagreeing with everything he said. Im not certain that i was or wasnt, but i am allowed to, so i just said ok.
I believe he was just in a disagreeable mood.

Then i again apologised that he felt like a horrible person because of what i was saying last night but the truth was he was ignoring me. Then he just carried on with his conversation about other things that he has ssid that i have done wrong in the distant past, so i used SET and he seemed ok.

I think a lot of this week he has been tired, he admitted he was stressed parting with so much money for his new car when i asked him, so I think he was already in a funny mood since Tues. Anyway, the conversation ended well.

Excerpt

im not sure what triggered me off, he must have just kept ignoring me...
He kept saying that he felt ignored because i chose my friends over him...
i prefer to see you but you ignore me.
He was trying to comfort me and said sorry that he had upset me...
This morning he was much nicer

Interesting dynamic, you both were being distant because the other was being distant.

I understand you tried reaching out to him to bridge the gap, this stood out to me:

Excerpt

but i wasnt really receptive at that time to be comforted...
Last night i wouldnt let him even touch me to comfort me so this morning he asked if he could, which i said yes

Only after he knew that you do choose him over your friend, when you validated his deeper need to not be rejected/abandoned did his mood change. Your earlier attempts, loving as they were, didn't register (or maybe he wasn't receptive at the time, who knows) to him that you truly cared, only this high emotion state and outright proclamation did.

I'm not saying you should do that every time, but do take note of it, its an insight into what makes him tick "the right way".

Excerpt

By the end of the day i was definitely in a funny mood but not at the beginning

Quite the trap isn't it, him making you have a funny mood because he's convinced there's something going on with you (hormones in this case), makes you not as upbeat/receptive, he feels rejected, he ignores you for it, you feel ignored/rejected, distancing happens, back to square one.

Is this how it usually goes?

I texted him last night just to say goodnight and he called back, he obviously wanted to talk. He talked about things that happened yesterday. Two things that stood out to me:
I think i have found out what the real thing is about him hating my friends. He said last night that it is the male partner of my friend (ie. one of his old mates) who he hates. A couple of years ago when i got called the horrible name in the pub, the male partner said something about my BPDbf past with another girlfriend and how he went really off the rails. Now a while afterwards when we had gotten back together i asked him about, i had not judged him, i just wanted to get his perspective on it, and even then I didn’t judge. However, he said yesterday because of what his friend had told me, that he will never be friends with him ever again. The surprising thing though is the female friend, one of those that i go out with who he has called a c&£t before, is now being seen in a good light, and apparently is the saviour of this said male friend of his.

The other thing is he keeps saying i am a stalker. Im not. Apparently when he has walked away, he says i keep getting in touch. This is the gentle or low contact touches we are advised to do, that is all i have done when he has left, i dont see that as stalking. Also he says when he has walked away, that i go to the places that he goes to. I do go there because that is where my friends and i go, but i will never go there when he is at home and if he is at home, i will tell him i will be going, so it is his choice if he will be there or not. I dont see that as stalking. However, i know he has stalked me at least once. I was driving home once, this was after about 3 weeks of no contact by me, he had hurt me that time really badly emotionally. Anyway i was driving home and he was driving right behind me, i live up a lane so i recognised his car. He was out of his way, so to me that is stalking.

The conversation was good but those two points stood out to me, mainly because being called a stalker is not really very nice, i never called him one. Any thoughts. This is another issue of his that will need to be addressed. Is it about his fear of engulfment?

Hi, i have just asked BPDbf when he was free to get together this week. So an hour later, we finally arranged for him to stay at mine so we can have a chat. Not quite what i meant when getting together, id have preferred to get out the house as im in it most evenings but there will be other times.

Anyway, the hour was spent about what happened on Saturday and some of the things i said about him. Apparently i said he was a c£)t, i would never ever use that word, drunk or not, so i know that was not true. Apparently i also said that he was emotionally shut off, which i think is his interpretation of what being distant means, because he is noway unemotional. However, i know we are not supposed to explain, however, i tried, but it got me nowhere. , I apparently said that BPDbf was like my exhusband, in the fact that he used to distance from me during our relationship as well. My reaction at that time was to distance to his distancing and immerse myself in child rearing and it got to the point where we were so far apart, we just parted. I accepted my responsibility of my actions in that relationship. As i knew i distanced, i have tried so hard not to do it in this relationship, but as Saturday goes, sometimes you just snap, which i did, but i only distanced for a brief time.

Now i started saying to my BPDbf he was like my exhusband because he distanced and my reaction was to distance. My BPDbf would not listen. He kept saying that i was the common denominator, which to be fair is true. However, he could not grasp that my distancing, which i said was not healthy, was a REACTION to them both distancing. He could not see that himself and my exhusband distanced first, and to me that is the common denominator, that i tend to attract to distancers. He could not see that i gave a reason for my distancing, but he could not. I explained that i could understand why my exhusband distanced more to my distancing but that i could not understand why he was distancing to me NOT distancing. My exhusbands distancing was because of debt, stress and anxiety, but i did the best i could to start off with but after two years of him distancing, i did too, i was exhausted.

My BPDbf just didnt get it that there is fault on both sides and just blamed me. I let him have his say but he just didn’t get that i have corrected my distancing, (otherwise we wouldn’t be here now) but he hasnt. How though could i get him to see that he also distances and find out why? I know that there is a lot more about the dynamics and a lot more complicated.

He has just called me to check that i wasnt upset about anything he had said earlier. He hadnt upset me by what he had said, i was a tad annoyed he wouldn’t listen to my view of things, but i wasnt upset. Anyway, he just said that he has been the most patient person with me (i wasn’t sure how to answer that but I didn’t agree with it) and he wants us to make more of a commitment to each other and make a good life together. Something he wants to talk about tomorrow. He repeated three times that he hoped he hadnt upset me about the chat earlier. I think i must have been really upset on Saturday and something i havent shown too much in the past. It seems to have affected him a bit though.

An interesting weekend. We arranged and went to different places both sat and sun this week during the day, ended up in the pub as normal, but that was ok, we had been somewhere else and had a nice time.

What else was interesting was that on Saturday night in the pub, his friend, who counsels addicts, spoke sometime during our conversation with himself, my BPDbf and myself about my BPDbf being passive-aggressive and explaining the ‘distancing’ dance that occurs in relationships. Interestingly, even though i have pointed out his passive-aggressive tendencies many times before, ie the silent treatment, he has never acknowledged it with me, even though he admitted yesterday that i had mentioned it in the past, but has really taken it on board from his friend. Im not quite sure he has grasped what it really means but he is seeing what his behaviour is like, a little bit anyway.

Before he went away to work again, we were getting on well. He went away and unfortunately the signal was bad so we could only text, so they were short messages. I then went away to a conference yesterday and today. He apparently facetimed me yesterday which i didnt receive and he facetimed me today, which i didnt recieve either, so he texted me. I facetimed him back and we got a good signal. I just said that i was sorry that i hadnt received any facetime notice but that I would have called back if i had. He just said that he wouldnt know that i would call back, i reassured him, but he said the same thing. I understand that to be a trust issue of his.

Anyway, he asked about the conference and i asked how he was getting on, all good both sides. Then he said that his work schedule had changed again and that he was coming back only for 5 days next week, then away for 3weeks and back for 1 week till the end of September. His work schedule i cant really say anything about even though it is annoying that it changes constantly, because you cant really organise anything.

When he said where he was going, i obviously sounded excited where it was, (the lakes) and tonefully suggested that it would be nice to visit. First of all, he was like, ‘dont suggest you drive up here’, and i just said that would be nice though. He mentioned August, and i tonefully suggested again that would be nice then. Then HE suggested that i come up when he has one of his weeks off. I said lovely.

Then he goes to look at his diary and said his first week off is the 22nd July. This is when the conversation goes off a bit. Before he went away I asked if he would mind if i went away to Amsterdam with my friend ( one he likes) at the end of July, he said no problem. So i booked it.

Now he said his first week off was the 22nd July, so i reminded him that i had booked the trip with my friend, but if we are thinking of August, when he has another week off, then that would be ok. He had obviously forgot about the trip with my friend. So he then turned round and said, dont worry about it then, i will come home, if youd rather arrange things with your friends. I said i hadnt arranged anything in August, it was July. He just kept saying he would just come home anyway. I used SET, saying that i was sorry he sounded disappointed, i know I would be, but that I had told him about the trip and that I would love to go to the lakes with him in August. He just said that, I couldn’t have it all my own way and that he would come home as i preferred to organise things with other people.

He then just asked questions about my day but i could hear he was dissappointed. Im not sure what to do. A different tool? I would love to have a holiday with him, we were thinking of organising one later in the year anyway, this to the lakes would be an extra one but it would be nice to go, but im not sure how to approach it now, apart from not mentioning it at the moment. Any ideas?

Hello again supertrouper

I experienced a similar thing with my bpdexgf, things would be perfect when we were apart and we would plan a holiday only for her to panic about it last second and canceling, saying she'd never go out with me and stuff, then after that was done she'd try to make amends and resume contact.

I'm thinking there's something about "not feeling worth it" that leads to that sort of distancing, and instead of them figuring out how to handle it they do "the practical thing" and get rid of the problem by finding a justification for why plans failed, whatever that may be (my ex trying to get me to back off by "pushing my buttons", blaming you and your choosing your friends over him in your case)

I'm not sure how that would be handled, I certainly didn't figure it out before our final breakup.

Have you made visit/holiday plans with him before that went ok? what's different between then and now (if at all)?

He came home today and was meant to call me, but he didnt. So i called him. He was in a bad mood because of work, and i can understand why. Apparently hes got to go back early on Sunday and hes not happy about it, so hes going to see his boss about it tomorrow. Apparently, his boss doesn’t listen. Then the conversation went on to how i dont listen. Unfortunately my eyes rolled, yeah, i know, i was expecting him to say something, so i was prepared. We were on the phone.

So apparently i havent listened to him for the six years weve been together, hes fed up of p’)(-ng in the wind. He says hes tried to leave, but i want him back, but he cant understand why when hes there i dont want him, but when he is gone, i do want him. That is his perspective, i get that. But from my perspective i never want him to go, he knows that. However, i can also understand my behaviour, although unbeknowingly may have led him to that perspective. He is always the one coming and going though, bring distant then close, i always have wanted him close.

He talked about my holiday with my friend, which is what i think the trigger is this time, because apparently I just went ahead and booked it without telling him, not being respectful. I asked him if he minded me going on holiday with her and he said no. So i booked it. I didnt tell him when it was booked for because he was then away and the signals were so bad, we coild not communicate, which i did say to him. I also said that id booked it around a time he woulnt be home, but his schedule changed, so now he would be free, at that time, and he wished to do something then, but now i cant. I get how he might feel annoyed. To me though it is just circumstance and bad timing. And also he does have other weeks free, which he reminded me about, which we could then plan something for.

Now going back to the blowing in the wind. He says i dont compromise. I am able to compromise, when there is someone to compromise with, i do it all the time, thats what you do. I font think its me who doesn’t compromise. Anyway, hes fed up of blowing in the wind, so he has said that we either have to make a proper solid base to go forward in the relationship or we should be adult enough to say its not working. Thats fair enough. However, he said i have to be the one tonight to think about it and how we are going to do it one way or the other. I asked him if he was going to think about it as well, and he just said hed been thinking about it for six years. So i gather he is just expecting me to come up with ideas. What a situation to put me in. How is that being compromising, when the onus is all put on me.

I understand that this is mainly about him feeling rejected and unheard, but that is not how i meant him to feel, but i do feel ive been put in a bit of a crossroads here and he wants me to sort it out.

Been keeping contact through the day, not much but little texts.

Just called him and he is still so low. He is stressed because he hasnt got time to do anything, his computers broken and his car has been knocked. A lot of stuff, plus with his work stuff and my disrespectful booking of a holiday with my friend even though he knew about it. I have offered to help him, while he is away with his house, apparently i am too late, he asked for help years ago, and i didnt offer it, when i asked when, he couldnt answer, i just used SET. But he doesnt trust me to help him now, even though i would, because he thinks my priorities will be with my friends.

So i asked him shall we get together to talk and he said what would we talk about. So i said life, plans, how to help you. But he was just not interested. He then said he would have loved to come to mine but apparently i monopolized the tv, he used to fo that, i hardly watch it. So no he is just not interested, he just wants to have his own time with a beer.

So i just texted him ok but if he changed his mind he could come and sit on the sofa with me.

Dont know what else to do. I do feel though that if we dont even get together before he goes away, that that will be extremely difficult to keep communication going.

Hi, yesterday i just pushed ‘gently’ to see him. Texted during the day and then in the evening ‘am i allowed to sit with you for a couple of hours in the pub’. He called back and said did he have a choice, which I replied yes. He then said yes as long as i was not going to have heavy conversations as he couldn’t handle one, i wouldnt have done anyway, i just said i would just be a mate.

So i went. He is different with his friends, who were in the bar, its like there is no sign of stress whatsoever. As soon as they moved away from him, he becomes stressed. So i got circular arguments, i just listened and said things if i needed.

What came out of it was that, the priortising of my friends, according to him, which may be the first trigger, was when i prioritised my friends over him, when we weren’t actually together. Well surely im going to. But i think it was that i prioritised my friends by going to ‘his space’, ie the pub he goes to. To him when we are not together, he thinks I shouldn’t go anywhere near his ‘spaces’. I go there ONLY if i know he wont be there, ie when he is away at work. I still think there is something deeper still there to hear.

Also, the holiday with my friend. He keeps saying that i didnt tell him id booked it, which I didn’t. He just said that he had said that he didnt mind if i booked it. So i think i have hopefully stopped this one, as i replied, ‘sorry that you feel hurt i didnt tell you id booked it, i would feel the same, but i just took it that you didnt mind as me just going ahead and booking it for anytime as we had made no other plans for ourselves’. He didnt say anything else from that.

He did say some strange comments during the night. He said i was flirty with other people, and he even said his friend was flirty with other people. We both disagreed. He then went on to explain that i go up to people and stick my chest out to them. I can tell you for sure, i do not do that, with him possibly, im allowed to flirt with him, but i dont do it to others. His friend whod also disagreed said she was just probably being friendly. When he went out she just called him a delusional man. I just said he was insecure.

Something else, he got upset about saying that he should have done better in our relationship and apologised for it. He also asked me when was the last time he did something nice for me, i couldnt remember anything recent, so took a time to answer, and he said ‘it’s obviously that long then that you cant remember and im sorry for that’.

An interesting evening, and we did have some casual conversation as well and the evening ended well. I went home and hopefully we will see each other today.

Hi, well we had another good day yesterday. We met up during the afternoon and he was ok. Still a bit stressed but better mood. I was still just being a ‘mate’, no heavy stuff, just ‘being there. However, he jokingly said there were rules, i had to eat, because i cant drink and food helps, i wasnt to be a k-:b, and i wasnt to talk about anything heavy. Thats fine, he made sure i went to eat, im not the k-:b in this relationship so that was easy, and i kept things light and if he wanted to talk about the relationship then i used SET, etc. So we had a good night, he came to mine and i took him back to his this morning, as he had to leave for work away.

He came round mine unannounced just before he left for his long journey to say goodbye and get a hug, which was nice. I told him thank you and that was a lovely thing to do and wished him a safe journey. He just said ‘see i am a nice man’. He called when he arrived and i said i had appreciated him coming round earlier. During this conversation that we had he admitted that he could be at least 10 possibly 15% responsible for the difficulties we have had moving forward. A conversation for another time, but wow, a tiny acknowledgment that its not always my fault.

Anyway, we had a short time together this time home and his stress levels reduced. As he is now away for 3 weeks, and it is hard work, im guessing he may become stressed with work again. We will keep in touch.

BPDFamily.com

Relationship Partner with BPD (Straight and LGBT+) => Romantic Relationship | Bettering a Relationship or Reversing a Breakup => Topic started by: Supertrouper on May 12, 2019, 05:27:20 AM