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He's emailed me a couple of times, letting me know he finally got a job. I'm glad for him, but it's hard to hear from him. He said he won't contact me again. Not sure I believe that but I guess I'll have to wait and see. We've blocked each other on our phones and in social media, but I don't know how to do that in my email, other than send it to my spam folder.
I guess this is just a process to work through. I'm just feeling sad, struggling to stay motivated to continue to exercise. Going to work each day is a chore. I don't like my job either, so that plays into the depression thing, I'm sure. I'm looking for another position, but having no luck so far.
Something I've been thinking about lately is all the bad times, and all the things about him I didn't want to see before, and I find myself wishing I'd ended things a few years earlier. Before we lived together, before we got engaged. Then I wonder if it would have been best never to have gotten involved at all. But I don't want to wish away all the good times. It was, at its best, an amazing love affair, passionate, intimate, beautiful at times. But at its worst, it was...agonizing, devastating. The wonderful highs were outweighed by the horrible lows.
I feel a little directionless right now. I continue to work, I continue to take classes toward my master's degree. I'm seeing my T once a month for now. I guess this is a regrouping time. But I miss the companionship, of course. I miss the physical and emotional intimacy. I don't want him back, my mind is made up on that. But I am feeling really down.

Hey, WoC. It’s been a minute since we chatted. I’m sorry that you’re feeling down. Unfortunately, depression is attached to these relationships and their end.

NC is hard to achieve. Is that something that you think will help you feel better? Also, it is hard to stay motivated when the depression becomes heavy. I fell off of my work out routine as well. Let’s make a deal. We start back up tomorrow, Monday. We can report back here how sore our muscles are. On board with that? I feel much better all the way around when I tax my body in a meaningful way, but I empathize with battling depression.

He’s explaining himself a lot to you. What I don’t see is him seeing how you feel, or even asking how you feel. Do you recognize that? True companionship involves reciprocation. I can’t tell you that I know this from experience yet, but I’ve taken in the knowledge with an open mind and it makes sense. It feels healthy.

Focus on finding a job that you’re happy to go to. You’ll have to tough it out until you do, but keep at it. It’ll pay off.

I understand your feelings on wishing that you’d ended things much earlier. I get it. If I knew then what I know now there wouldn’t have been a second date with S4’s mom. S4 wouldn’t exist if that was the case, so I try not to pick that apart too much. Instead, I look inward. Why did I choose to stay attached to something that was hurting me?

I understand the feelings of wishing you would have left sooner, or not gotten involved at all, as well. Like JNChell, I know that some of my kids would not be here if I had made that choice, so it is what it is. This relationship doesn't have to be a waste for you, though. As JNChell says, if we choose to look inward and determine what it was about these dysfunctional relationships that held us for so long, we can identify our own thought processes that may need some adjusting or reversing. This ultimately leads to us becoming more stable, grounded, emotionally heatlhy people.

Have you considered increasing the visits to your T to every week or every other week? I found that when I went NC, I really needed weekly support to help me. Once a month is more of a maintenance thing, but when you are feeling acute anxiety and depression it is probably good to have more frequent support.

I think the emails about him looking for a job might be more or less a way to let you know that he is doing something you wanted him to do, and may be a way of inducing guilt in you. I don't think he is focused at all on how this r/s affected you. I am not sure of how to block emails either, bc my ex still sends me some from time to time. I always have the option to not read them, but just seeing his name gives me a jolt. I usually end up reading them against my better judgment. I never respond. Six months into NC it's a lot easier than at first.

You have a lot on your plate right now, usually I try to get through whatever it is that I'm going through at that time than add more stress like looking for another job, starting in a new unfamiliar work place etc... They say not to make big changes when you're going through mourning a one loved that's passed away, separation and divorce. Do you feel like you could put this on the back burner for now until you feel like life is more stabilized?

I echo Mutt and apologize for giving bad advice. It is important to not make big moves while figuring out our stuff. I’ve been given this advice in the past, and forgot it. I’m sorry.

Thanks, all, for responding. Hi JNChell, I do think NC is best. I guess it might be easier in my case because we don't have any children together. No reason to stay in contact. Yes, I like the idea of starting back up tomorrow with working out. I'm in! My friends don't really work out regularly, so I don't have anyone to hold me accountable in that. Working out is my best antidepressant, but yes, it's hard to get going when I get too down.
As for him telling me about himself and not really asking about me, yes I have recognized that in him. And that doesn't work for me. I need give and take, I need someone to give a s--- about my feelings as well, not always just be the other way around.
Hi Redeemed, I do agree with you that there are things I can learn from this relationship. I have learned over the past few years that I have boundary issues. I can look back at other things in my life and see that situations have come up because of it, though nothing like this relationship. I tend to get overly involved emotionally when people are hurting and feel like it's my job to fix them. I have recognized that and am working on keeping firm boundaries in place while still being a caring person.
As for seeing my T more often, maybe I should. It's just that it's a little expensive. Also, when I set my next appointment, I wasn't feeling depressed. But I'll consider that.
Hi Mutt, you make a good point about changing jobs. I don't know what's best. I'm so tired of this job for several reasons, one big one being the long commute. (I live in a rural area and I drive to a city.) It's going to be more stressful for the next two months because someone will be out for surgery. I really dread that. All of it makes me just want to run away, not deal with it. I want a fresh start all the way around.  I just don't know. I've put out my resume to a few places. I've prayed about it so we'll see what happens.  I have heard that before, too, and it has crossed my mind. I'm just so fed up with some things that it's getting to me. Right now I'm feeling upset because I know I have to go to bed soon and get up and go there tomorrow. I do appreciate your input and will keep it in mind, though.

Girl, you said it. Someone to give a  :cursing: about our feelings. That’s what we’re searching for. I want someone to give a  :cursing: about my feelings. Do you? Let’s keep this going.

Abso-freakin-lutely! I think many of us struggle with some self worth issues on here but come on. I hope we all know that we deserve for someone to care about our feelings.  And there are other potential partners out there who Will care and will be able to participate in give and take, not just take, take, take!

Hey WofC, Don't beat yourself up!  Who knew?  We call could probably have done things differently.  It's OK, now you are back on your path.  It's normal to feel down after parting ways, so give yourself a break.  Be kind to yourself.  When in doubt, suggest you listen to your gut feelings. 

LJ

I understand. You’re worried about how bad the next couple of months are going to be it sounds like you might in a toxic workplace.

That’s what they say but it’s one size fits all. Do what is right for you if you need to find new work then do it if you think that you’re up to it and it will make things better for you. All the best to you.

You’re right, WoC. I believe that there are people out there that can care about our feelings. In order to reach them, we need to care about our feelings first.

Thanks, Mutt. I appreciate it. I think it's just a bad fit for me. I've stayed because it's good pay for what I do and the benefits are good, but I'm to the point where I just really hate it. I'm applying and seeing what happens.  

JNChell, definitely. I do think there is truth to the belief that you attract what you put out there, or something like that. And when we value ourselves, others will as well.  Or maybe it's just that when we value ourselves more, we then refuse to take any crap from anyone else.  We give and expect respect.  So, did you get any exercise today? I went to a nearby wooded park and had a good hard walk up and down a hilly little trail. I feel a little better and yes, my legs are sore!

Hey Girl! I had to get my workout while working today. I’m not sore, but exhausted. I’m glad to hear that you got out and did it. That trail sounds nicer than a factory.  

Respecting ourselves is important. You nailed it.

Thanks for your encouragement as well, Lucky Jim. It is appreciated! I am trying to get on a better path, most definitely. It will take time but I think I have a pretty good start.  

JNChell, I'm sure the park was more enjoyable than the factory. Sorry to hear you had to exercise while working, although if you wore yourself out physically, I guess at least you burned calories, right?

I'm feeling better than I did earlier in the week. Monday was a struggle, but walking after work definitely helped my mood. I walked today after work with my oldest son, so I got in some exercise and family time. A double mood boost!