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Today I realized a pattern in how our relationship changed after we had a child together. Before, I got a mix of idealization and devaluation. It was unpredictable and unpleasant but at least there was a sort of balance.

Now, I feel like she idealizes the baby (very natural for a mom, a good thing), but this is replacing all the positive attention she used to give me. She can't devalue the baby even when she's mad or frustrated. So I get devalued whenever she feels I let her down, or if she needs someplace to project those bad parent feelings.

So I get a very different, much worse mix than before. I don't want our children to suffer, I'd rather take the blame. But how do I live a decent life, without leaving, if I'm only going to get the negative emotions?

Hi  jomo564

Would be wonderful to have a emotionally supportive spouse, but in the end we are ultimately responsible for our happiness. I try to find my validation from outside, soccer, school committee etc. In the beginning I had to drag myself out and struggled to leave the stuff at home. We need to recharge out batteries. Mine got pretty flat and then I also became part of the problem.

It is hard with young children. Even when you know that the devaluation has nothing to do with. It still gets at me. I've accepted that I'm allowed to feel lonely and devalued. It is normal even if we may have insecurities. My T once explained, it's like someone slapping your sunburn. We all hurt, but just more for some of us.

My SO and I had a talk and I said: "I feel left out and ignored". (I get put at the end of the food chain with Ds) My SO may even be correct by what she is saying that I've issues, insecurities, jealousy between the mother and D bond. Saying that put her on such an attack, my feelings are bad and we should maybe split up, she can't take it anymore... And then the silent treatment.

Just for saying feeling left out, I got threatened/devalued. It made me calm in a sense and thought to myself. I'm not here to hurt anyone, I don't rage, I'm just feeling left out. I'm accepting my feelings and apologising for my part and you can keep yours, I'm not even asking you for apologies. Not my job. That was just my mental boundary. I care for your feelings and I'll listen but it is yours to carry. I rather spend that energy on the kids and the family as a whole.

Books I recommend you could read: What i liked about these books is that it also covers how we play into these games and our part. It also helped me realise how controlling other people's bad behaviour normally makes it worse. I know this is much harder with children as I want to be active bringing them up.

Boundaries Updated and Expanded Edition : When to Say Yes, How to Say No To Take Control of Your Life
In Sheep's Clothing : Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People

Hope that helps.
Teno

hi jomo564,

introducing a child into the equation can profoundly change a relationship, and the relationship dynamics between two partners...sometimes for better, sometimes for worse, sometimes both. on top of that, you have a lot of stress for both parties.

whats going on? in what ways is your wife devaluing you? how does she feel youve let her down?

Teno - thanks, I will check out one of those books.

I do get some validation from outside sources, but I often work from home and life w/ kids and uhfpwBPD keeps me busy, I don't have a lot of social time, hobbies, friends. I suppose that's something to work on. It is sometimes striking when I am out with others and come home, how much more relaxing and nicer it is to be with other people than my wife. No one else ever screams at me, demeans me, etc.

once - an example is that I didn't cook her 3 meals a day after the baby was born. (she is incredibly picky and I hate cooking for her because its 50/50 she says the food is disgusting and she won't eat it). She threatened to try to get me fired if I didn't feed her better.

She also doesn't like that I worked a few hours a day from week 4 after birth onward; my employer offers good paternity leave but we can't afford to take 100% leave for months. She says that by only being home and available 80% of the time, I am basically abandoning her and the baby, have wasted a chance to make up for my years of neglect by finally paying attention to her, have spoiled our chance to restart our life on a better footing, and all because I'm selfish and won't prioritize her or the family.

This despite the fact that most mothers don't get to just not work as long as they want, let alone have the father be home 100% of the time for months...it's a completely insane expectation and absurd level of entitlement. She feels she is somehow "owed" this, for having a baby, and because (in her opinion) I have neglected her in the past. I get zero thanks for the leave I took, for being here 80% of the time, for not working for weeks (more than most dad's do or can afford), just demeaned because it isn't 100%.

I will continue to try to work on not looking to her for validation. My problem is it's hard to let in the good parts of our relationship but not the bad. I know how to have a closed heart (I'm great at that), or how to open it a bit, but not how to stay open through the bad, or close only to the bad. I don't want to keep being closed and cut off, but I also don't want her constant criticism to destroy my self-worth.