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I was in a co-dependent relationship with a BPD sufferer for 3.5 years.  The relationship had all of the classic hallmarks.  She adored me, worshiped me, understood me, supported me and boosted my self-esteem into the stratosphere.  Things began to fall apart about 1.5 years in.  The classic downfall.  For the next two years, I was too co-dependent to let her go, she was too afraid to leave, and we both tried really hard to accept her diagnosis and make things work.

Six months ago, she stopped taking her meds and the slide into inevitable disaster began.  Four weeks ago, she switched from black to white, I became the enemy rather than the revered, and she left. 

Her BPD is severe.  When her thinking switches from black to white, she will disassociate.  She will literally become a new person who has no recollection of the past.   The person she has since become is domineering and abusive. 

After she left, I discovered that my Ex had numerous prior relationships that had an almost identical trajectory as our relationship.  She did not disclose these relationships to me.  The evidence is bomb proof and undeniable.   Nevertheless, when I asked her about one of the past relationships, she denied it and became more hostile and aggressive than I have ever known her to be.  She smashed a lot of my property.

Based on the newly discovered information about her past, and her destructive behavior, I believe that she is a danger to herself and to others.  I want to report her, but I am also trying to heal, and that report will embroil me in continued drama with her.  My psychiatrists recommends "no contact" and "no report."  I am leaning that way.  However, I am wondering if forcing my Ex to confront her past relationship problems may snap her out of her denial and put her on a path to recovery. 

Anyone have a similar experience?  What did you do and what was the result?

I'd go with professional advice.

She went into a rage when you confronted her about her past relationships. How much more would that be attacking her as a person? That is likely how she would see it.  She's already under care and on meds for something besides BPD (depression? Anxiety?).


The problems are the symptoms, not the cause.  She likely feels great sadness and shame over failed relationships.  PwBPD feel shame at their cores "I'm worthless and unlovable." I've seen significant others be committed for psychiatric care.  It usually follows a significant outburst (violence, suicide ideation), and rarely does it help other than on the short term though we do have a few success stories within marriages and with parents of children with BPD.  Even those required significant support from loved ones. 

I feel that you want to support her because you care about her.  Given that she's shown that she can be violent,  however, you need to protect yourself.

Hi BPDdid,

I agree with both your P and Turkish. How long have you been broken up? This is difficult now you don’t want to make things work. Is she diagnosed with BPD?

I’d shift the focus on yourself with self protecting by doing no contact like your P suggested. As you probably already know a pwBPD are not conscious of how their actions affect others l. Some probably do they know that their actions hurt but until they get help things are going to remain the same.

BPD is ingrained in the person’s personality and it’s very hard to change. It’s like trying to turn a person from being nice and changing their personality to being mean.