BPDFamily.com

Hi there - I am a new member and will do some intro/background and give a picture of where things are today.

My husband and I just celebrated our two-year wedding anniversary and have been together a total of five years. We have an 18-month old son and I just found out that I am pregnant again, due in January of 2020.

When my husband and I started dating, he was playing semi-pro baseball and seemed to be on top of the world. I was picking up the pieces of my life and starting a new job, moving back to my hometown, and working hard to create a good life for myself. Within a few months of dating, my husband had symptoms of genital herpes, the same symptoms I'd had a few years prior. I'd been tested several times and told it was not HSV II (genital), but a genital presentation of HSV I (oral), which is the same virus that causes cold sores. My doctor told me it was likely a one-off outbreak, and that the likelihood of passing it on was extremely slim. Thus the reason for my non-disclosure to my then-boyfriend. He tried to end our relationship then and reacted extremely angrily for a few days as his body healed, but then seemed "over" it. Five years later, I can say that he is nowhere near over it (neither of us has had an outbreak since). Everything he accuses me of comes back to his questioning of "the kind of person" I am for being able to keep something like that from him. It's truly his ace-in-the-hole.

Following that shaky start, he left town for his final season of baseball, and we had a turbulent three-month long-distance relationship. I saw so many warning signs early in our relationship, (I was familiar with BPD as a psych undergrad and having several close friends with the disorder), but was convinced that I'd found my soulmate and that our love was stronger than anything that came between us. When he came home after the final season, he started drinking heavily, and I attributed that to his grief about the loss of his lifetime passion in baseball. At this point, however, I was still drinking with him at times and enjoying the lulls between what I now know to be BPD "episodes."

Six months later, he was hit by a car while running and spent five days in the ICU. He went on to make a full recovery, but the event was extremely traumatic for both of us. The crisis brought us closer together (I am very accustomed to a caretaker role as my mother has had a lifelong struggle with an eating disorder), and I was secretly thankful that he was going to have to focus on his self-worth outside of his physical fitness. That isn't, however, what he did. He started drinking and smoking marijuana even more than he had before, as he was home all day unable to work or drive. At this point, I was simply trying to keep my head above water, and again, "wait out" the worst of the storm. (You're probably sensing a theme by now).

A year after the accident, I found out that I was pregnant with our first child. The pregnancy excited us beyond belief, and we got engaged a few months later. Throughout the pregnancy, he was still drinking, which caused him to fly into rages, which weren't usually directed at me, but would result in him punching walls, trash cans, and generally destroying things in our home. It was not a safe and stress-free pregnancy by any means. When I went into labor at 38 weeks, we arrived at the hospital to find out that we'd lost our baby girl. The ensuing tragedy, heartbreak, and worst low either of us could imagine became an impetus for him to stop using/drinking and we literally fell into each other's arms for the next year or so. It was the closest we've been, and had the fewest BPD incidents by far. We both still hold onto incredible pain from the loss of our daughter, though I think my husband hasn't dealt with it to near the degree needed. (I have seen my individual therapist off and on for the past 15 years, and she has greatly helped me deal with these events).

Six months later, I got pregnant with our son, and we got married shortly after that. He'd been drinking and smoking again, but it seemed mostly under control, and he was working again.The ensuing two years have been an absolute roller coaster. Having a new baby put our issues on the back burner, and I truly went into survival mode for myself and our son. My husband is an amazing, attentive, and loving father when he isn't dealing with what I think of as a "BPD attack." When BPD is present, he is simply unable to even "see" our son, which actually makes me thankful that he hasn't targeted him yet. He's stopped drinking in the past few months, and replaced it with marijuana, which was actually somewhat of a blessing because the instant he came inside from smoking, whatever BPD there had been was gone and we could at least have a peaceful evening, if a dopey/detached one.

He's since stopped smoking, which threw him into the biggest depression I've ever seen him have (not eating, working out, just staring at walls). I eventually took him to a local crisis center, where they put us in touch with an individual counselor for him and a couples counselor for us. I believe around this time (a month or so ago) he started taking Zoloft, but he hasn't been willing to tell me about it, and today I found his bottle of pills in the trash, with five or so left. He was also having severe anxiety attacks, but wouldn't tell me about these either, though I understand that he's gotten a prescription for anti-anxiety meds from our workplace clinic. After three sessions with our couples counselor, we were told we couldn't do any additional couples work until the "domestic abuse" was resolved. (I'd shared a recent story about him blocking my exit from our bedroom during a fight). At the time, I thought he'd stopped going to an individual therapist, but he told our couples counselor that he was going to continue going.

Today. He has acknowledged that this is an abusive relationship, and that he needs to make it safe for me during this pregnancy. What that means to him is that he sleeps in the other bedroom. It also means that he's "doing everything possible to take care of" me, which means making dinner and leaving me sweet treats in my car/desk/etc. But he's completely stonewalling about anything that's going on, saying talking about it will just make everything worse. Even after acknowledgement of the abuse, he had another BPD rage recently, and I asked him if he would go stay with his parents for a week while the dust settled. He said we'd talk about it, but we still haven't.

I am currently extremely ambivalent about what to do. Some days I just want to walk into the future with him and believe in his ability to do his needed work (his determination in his pro baseball career is a testament to the strength of will that he can summon), and more days, I think I HAVE to leave him for the sake of our children and my own sanity. The breadcrumb trail back to myself is disappearing rapidly. I've been having anxiety attacks at work, and am starting an exciting new job in a month, but scared of the toll all of this is taking on me. It seems like such a clear answer, but it feels anything but... especially living in the BPD "fog" (yes, both kinds) for so long. I would be financially fine (if slightly strained) if I left, and think I could handle what it meant for our family, but am absolutely terrified of a custody battle. I beat myself up inside for staying and allowing us to bring more kiddos into this family when it is so clearly broken. Yet here we are.

Hi KP17 and welcome to the forums  :hi:

Thanks for the indepth introduction. I'm so sorry about the loss of your baby daughter   You have obviously been through a really tough time and have a lot of insight into your own situation. I'm glad you've reached out to others who understand and that you are also working through this with your therapist.


Blocking you from leaving a room (I assume while he was raging) is abuse. Has this happened before? Are there other instances of violence or physical abuse?

I'm assuming that he is continuing therapy but not discussing anything with you, is that right?

Being pregnant now, with a young child already and about to start a new job is a lot to deal with, on top of a BPD husband.

If you were to leave now, that would surely compound the stress. The fallout from your husband would probably be a huge emotional strain, on top of the logistics of getting somewhere new to live and being alone while pregnant.

I would think carefully before making any moves - unless you think you are in danger?

Have you seen any progress since he started therapy? You mentioned another BPD rage recently... was there a change in his usual behaviour after the rage? Did he return to baseline more quickly, or apologise, etc?

Keep writing. I'm sorry it took so long for someone to reply. We're here and ready to help you work through this   

Thanks for responding.

I can't think of any other incidents of explicit abuse like blocking my path. Mostly just destroying things in the home, punching himself in the head and chest, slamming doors, etc. His latest response is "if I do that again [rage], it means I don't love you. I won't do it again." Setting us up for that conversation when it does happen again.

I wish it felt as easy as coasting until baby is here and things are more stable. Something is happening with him (he just started with a new therapist whom he doesn't like, so will be changing again... no real progress to be had), and it's causing the cycle to become extremely short - about three days between "episodes." I don't think I am in physical danger, but there is no real retreat to be had. Every day that I come home from work I could be walking into a fight and that stress has taken its toll.

I'm trying to be in touch with what I'm feeling and what my needs are as much as possible throughout. I'm still hoping for something to change, but extremely skeptical about its likelihood. <sigh>