BPDFamily.com

Hi guys.  :help:  I'm new to all of this, I only just learned about BPD and realized that I had been dealing with a pwBPD without knowing. I am now trying to leave and also trying to process what has happened so I can move on past trauma and negative feelings. They're humans too, and I know BPD people suffer immensely from their own internal world. I knew this for a long time about my pwBPD but I didn't know why they felt these things or why they were so strong.

I met K in 2017, on the dating app Tinder, in my final year of university. I remember describing her as the perfect girl for me, marriage material type. She was, and still is, this cute, wicked smart babe who can roll her own joints, do super smart University - level math, and show off her cool trendy tastes/opinions, and I really vibed with all that. She shared my cultural background too and she was a little bit older than me, which was kinda hot to be honest and a new experience for me. I liked her snobby tastes in coffee, I liked her music taste, everything . I had previously never met somebody (romantically) that I could talk to for hours, and hours.

And the sex! My god. Some of the craziest, hottest stuff my horny-college-boy eyes had ever seen. Let's just say, she made me feel like a king, and very very frequently. Even now, I still think about it and feel in some ways feel like an addict about it all.

Anyway, things were great but unusually intense and this continued for a while. But some red flags popped up that I definitely chose to ignore early on. As I ignored flags, I would start hiding them and myself from others. It was like I had to 'hide' that my personal life was a bit weird because I didn't want to think that it was actually a problem. She was "perfect", and I made the mistake of idealizing her to my friends and family. It made it that much harder to come clean, which I still am working on.

The first flag that I ignored and hid from friends/family was that K often would bring up things that I definitely don't remember saying or doing,  sometimes genuine mistakes too, and telling me how bad I had made her feel, and using that feeling to force me to make time/energy for her.

I went backcountry camping with my friends the first summer we were together, off the grid for 5 days, and when I got back she capital-H Hated me for not being around to help her with a termite problem she discovered in that time. In that shorttime, she brought her ex back into her life to help her deal with the termite, and sent me some really mean messages and voicemails. I was stunned but ended up somehow apologising and staying at her place (in a different city than the one I worked) for the whole weekend and cancelling all plans with friends. I was really in love with her and wanted to reassure her of how I really did care about her.


K would sometimes snap at innocent remarks and react with unusual emotional intensity. The first few incidents I brushed off. Oh, of course she's angry and tearing up - my friends were beating her in Settlers of Catan and she thought I wasn't supporting her. Oh, of course she's stormed off - my friend mentioned the name of someone I previously dated. Eventually it became, oh of course she's upset and screaming at me, I didn't do the dishes before I left for work. Oh, of course she's beating on this door, she's mad that I'm locking myself in here to ignore her. Oh, of course she's throwing food I just bought on the ground and stomping on it, she thinks I was being mean to her. Oh, of course she's berating me and calling me trash in front of my friends, I should know better than to add some tobacco to the joint I'm smoking. Oh, of course she's calling me vulgar names and clawing at me and drawing blood - maybe I really am that bad. Maybe I'm the one who is abusive and depressed. That would explain my bad moods and reactions to her right? Of course I'm being sarcastic.

One time, it was Christmas and we were going to see the light displays in the downtown and K kicked the windshield broken while sitting in the passenger seat of my parent's car. I think this was because I didn't agree with her about something but the reason doesn't really matter. It cost my family a few hundred dollars, and my family has always been low income. It was messed up, and she finally broke down and cried for hurting me, and I thought it would change after this horrible traumatic experience. Of course, I hid this from everybody. I said a branch fell on the car. Lied to my family's faces.

I kept making excuses for her behaviour and hiding it from even her family. I experienced literally 3 years of sleep deprivation, physical abuse, emotional abuse, I stupidly let her move into my new place, and the abuse cycle continued. It really is a cycle. She started alternating between two personalities. It was hilariously messed up in retrospect, but she claimed this was due to being a Gemini.  

Personality 1: depressed, childlike behaviour which expects and begs me to do everything for her including: getting her out of bed before 2 pm, finding any form of employment, helping her feel okay with herself, helping her feel okay with her family, feeling normal and productive, getting physical exercise, going outside, feeding herself, buying things she wanted, doing every chore in the house, raising/feeding/walking/training the 2 puppies that SHE wanted as much as I did, paying EVERY bill including the ones she used to pay herself...

Personality 2: angry, violent, blaming me for everything wrong with her life from her looks, to her stress, to her moods, to her inability to find work, to her home being messy, to our dogs being messy, to her financial situation. She even blamed me for financially controlling her because I was the one who paid all the bills and went to work everyday! This blaming was so exhausting and I can't even type it all out without feeling like I'm reliving it.

I started trying to distance myself emotionally. I was not aware of the existence of BPD until very very recently, but I had unintentionally learned to Grey Rock my emotions. So I would walk out, go sit on the balcony and maybe take a few deep breaths and even smoke a joint or two or listen to a podcast or go for a run if necessary... But she started locking me out when I left. When I changed the lock system so she can't do that, she started blocking the door when I am on my way out during one of her "moods". If I try to physically move her out of the way, even completely slowly and gently, she will call me abusive, even if I point out (angrily) that controlling somebody when they are trying to leave is actual physical abuse. She has said if I try to leave, she will take the dogs from me (nevermind the fact that I do almost everything for them). Its insane.

Most recently, she has been in some serious financial trouble and there still isn't a job on the horizon because she keeps shutting down interview processes because they aren't up to her standards for whatever reason. I'll admit she has tried hard for some positions but never for long. Her credit card debt is maxed, and has started asking me for help on a lot of stuff. When she first moved in, it was with the agreement to pay 1/3 of the rent. She paid it for 2 months and hasn't since, which is financially stressful, but I understood at least...

So now, she asked her parents for money to go on a trip that she can't even afford.

Okay. Whatever. I get it. She needs to get away.

Well, then I find out she's actually stopping over in a city half a continent
away from the original destination. Where she has no friends in the state. She's going to see a male friend of hers she hasn't seen in years. Who she slept with once. While cheating on a past boyfriend. She kept this part of her planned trip from me for 3 weeks while I helped her buy supplies , prepare for the trip, etc thinking it was to somewhere else.
 
Oh but it's only for 3 days she says. She will be staying in the guest house. Why am I being so controlling? It's to explore. She's an adult, she needs to do this before she commits to me she says. Don't I trust her? Why can't I let her have this? "So many people sleep with their friends, all my friends say that I'm right for going" Don't i care about her at all? She needs this to feel like an independent person who isn't financially dependent.

Okay...

She says I'm selfish and controlling for saying that she has stepped over my boundaries too many times and that this is the final straw. It would be different if she didn't yell at me and call me names so frequently, but she does. She has drained me financially, and emotionally, and she still thinks that I am being overly emotional and sensitive for seeing this as too much?

I told her this is the straw on the camels back, and that I want to leave her. I told her I'm serious, this is too much, and her decision to keep this from me is a really big deal to me and she can't expect me to stay here and take care of the dogs and the home AND my full time job while she goes and does this. I'm not dealing with that emotional turmoil anymore. I ended it. She broke down and I got charm'd right back in less than 12 hours later, and I don't even know what I was thinking but we had sex. It was like my brain got a hit and was like "oh wait maybe things will be fine"

But I can't hide my emotions anymore, even as she's trying to be "good" to show me she cares about my needs. This relationship is taking way too much from me. As much pain as she's in, I can't let her drown me. I have needs too and they aren't being met in any way. In fact, I'm being abused and used and I really do feel that way. She seemed genuinely sorry and wanting to change, but she says that every time too. And even with sex, the emotions are there and I feel horrible when I snap out of it. I've broken down crying so many times this week, driving, walking, sitting, showering, seeing my dogs, etc. I get shes suffering. She's even threatened suicide, self harm, and even hurt herself in front of me. I get it, I really do. I feel it, and I wish things would get better. But I'm not sure she is even aware of her problems, no matter how often I set my boundaries: no name calling, no unreasonable expectations, no mean words, no yelling, no hitting, no locking me into a space - she violates them.

She is still living in the space. She leaves on the 29th and I just am not sure what to do anymore. Its like she is "waiting me out", because she doesn't get that I am actually still hurt and done giving her what she wants. Right now she just left the house and I am strongly considering grabbing my dog and going to my parents for the weekend.

I appreciate ANYBODY who has read this. I haven't told anybody any of this. It was such a relief to write this. I am shaking from a weird feeling of being honest and being afraid of how scared I feel about the truth. I really appreciate anybody words of wisdom, or thoughts, or even just another perspective. I've made plenty of plans with friends for the next week, as well as an appointment with a therapist (also new to me!), and now I really want to protect my right to keep my own dog.

Thanks,
JustTrynaLive

Hi and welcome!

Whew, that is a lot to deal with!  I am glad you shared your story.  Doing so can certainly help to release some tension and help you process emotions as you type things out... or at least it works that way for me. 

You mentioned you will be starting therapy and I think that is great.  We can help  you with a lot of things too.  We have tools and strategies that you can learn here that will help make things better for you regardless of what may happen in your relationship.  We can also help you as you decide where you want to take your relationship.

What would you say is the biggest thing you want to work on?  You mentioned you use boundaries and k walks all over them.  Can you describe, in as much detail as possible, how you set and enforce them?  It will help us guide you.  Sometimes the way we look at and enforce boundaries is a bit off.

Anyway, I hope to hear more from you.  In the meantime, settle in, read and jump into other threads as we all learn from and support each other here.

*welcome*

That's a lot you've been through brother. Therapy is good.  I had a "healthy disrespect" for the profession,  as my T observed,  but it was the best thing I did in order to hear a neutral voice. I hid things from my friends too,  but I let it all out later. 

What are your plans after your time apart?