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My undiagnosed BPD MIL has given thousands of dollars to romance scammers and despite an intervention we did back in February, continues to send money and electronics overseas.

I’m wondering if anyone else has had experience with this. It’s an extremely difficult situation and throw in BPD and it’s a ummm...well, frankly, a sh!t show.

My BIL has become trustee over her financial accounts. Luckily, in Feb she was, I guess, in shock and just did what she was asked to do such as sign the trustee paperwork, get a new cell phone with a new number to cut off contact with the scammer(s) and give my BIL power of attorney. But since then, she has sent more money. BIL cut off her access to most of her cash and now she just gets a monthly allowance but she still has access to credit and began buying electronics and sending them overseas. Meanwhile, she is not shock anymore, she hopping mad that he is taking control and trying all her favorite manipulative techniques and threatening legal action. My BIL is planning to go to court to gain conservatorship because her actions show she is a danger to her own well fair. I’m concerned what will happen after that. I want her to get help but my thought, because of her disorder and because of the intensity of the situation, she will need inpatient care.

I’m hoping to get some insight from anyone with experience of this kind of addictive behavior. If we take away her ability to keep sending anything to her ‘boyfriend’, it takes away that rush of doing what ‘he’ needs her so desperately for. She is needed, she is adored, she is the savior. Her bucket with the hole in the bottom will no longer get filled.  If she can’t get that, I’m concerned of how she will react.

Any insight is appreciated.

Oh, and the authorities have been notified.  They were notified back in February. The FBI has been in contact with her as recently as last week.

Thanks so much.

Welcome back 

I think you accurately state the emotional need above.  My mother would "rescue" or help a lot of people,  but those friendships, to a one,  eventually turned sour. Yet my mother felt the need to fill her own emptiness (and I'll not judge out all bad as she did help people that needed help). Other addictions were collecting (hoarding) and get rich quick schemes. 

You wrote this when you were last here.


So the overseas Catfishers are sincere, because she's giving and generous. 

Your BIL likely has a good chance at being granted Conservatorship given that what she's doing falls under Elder Abuse, even though she's doing it to herself.  I would also be concerned about how she would react to that. I never wanted it over my mother due to increasing paranoia.  Even in her 50s, she telegraphed the feeling that i would screw her over somehow.  It only got worse the older she got. 

Trying the validation tools might help a little,  but they won't obviously "cure" her behaviors or change her views. This outs her personality.  I would just focus on managing her money well to her benefit as well as keeping yourselves safe from false accusations.  Developing a good relationship with an APS social worker (does she have one?) Would be a good idea. 

That's a tough one that I don't have a solution for. My mother "uses" money to buy and control people, and also to "rescue" and then control her helpers who also have taken advantage of her. She's elderly and needs assistance but tends to gravitate towards helpers she can manipulate this way. I don't think she's gotten involved with romance scammers but she tends to gravitate towards unlicensed and unskilled helpers who need cash. It's a two way street- she rescues them, then controls them. Over the years a lot of her valuables in the home have been taken, or given away.

When my father got ill, I tried to pre-empt this by also being involved in managing the money she would have to live on since she doesn't manage money well. Well, she'd have none of that. She'd trust a stranger before me, even though I would have handled it ethically, and kept careful records. Now, we have no idea what money she has or what she is doing with it.

We basically backed off. My father left everything to her, and now it is hers to do what she wants with it. It bothers us that our father's hard earned money is being mishandled- but he left it to her, and they kept us out of it. As long as she is considered legally competent, she can do what she wants with it. I called social services about my father and they said something quite insightful- " your father is legally competent to make his own bad decisions".

As Turkish said- if she's involved in something illegal, you can report that to the authorities and let them handle that aspect of it. As far as she is concerned, if the money's in her hands, it's hard to control what she does with it.

Thank you so much for your thoughts. My BIL has decided to not pursue the conservatorship. He was advised that the court may take her side and if he did get it, she would make his life miserable. He made the best choice in an effed up situation and met with her, told her he is relinquishing any control. He told her not to contact his wife, his wife’s family or himself as they do not wish to be involved with her. .
He said she immediately got the on her phone afterward, presumably to contact her scamming Internet boyfriend to say she is free to send him that money he so desperately needs.  She has already asked twice when his control will be made official with the bank. They only just met yesterday afternoon which was a Friday. These scammers have their claws into her deep.

I’m ready to have this behind me. I don’t see any way it will end well. She will ruin herself for that hit of endorphins she gets when she sends “him” the money he needs, or when he emails her and gives he the attention she craves. I have no expectation that she will come to her senses. Part of me wishes the FBI would arrest her on aiding abetting fraud. But I have no thought that this will happen. I  plan to send her an email letting her know I am done. I’ll try to keep emotion and accusations out of it. I know the triggers. Not that I expect her to ever react rationally, I just want to say my piece without giving her fuel.
Thanks again!