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Hello, Family. It’s another sleepless night. Too much on my mind to catch some z’s. I’m not sure if I’m accepting this latest thought or if I’m trying to convince myself of it. The thread title says it all. I still feel the same feelings, but I cope with them in a different way now. I don’t embrace the anger anymore. I look elsewhere when I’m feeling hurt. Don’t get me wrong, this is hard to do because the anger feels comfortable, but it’s never served me. That anger also exists in layers. There’s a lot of shame and guilt built into it. I can feel angry about what has happened to me and then feel angry about feeling angry in the first place, if that makes sense. I’m starting to understand and accept that these feelings will always be with me. There isn’t really a happy ending to this. I’m not trying to be a downer, but I’m seeing this for what it is. I will shoulder this for the rest of my life. I guess it’s in my best interests to embrace that in the best way that I can and keep pushing forward. It’s what I’ve always done, anyway. I’m equipped with knowledge now. I’m not alone in my head. I have to admit that it can be very depressing to realize that this stuff is stuck with me, ya know. It is what it is. I just hope to be able to look back on it instead of looking at it, some day. I’m tired of it. I’m tired of caging the beast that has made its way out once. That’s what this feels like sometimes. Babysitting my rage. I’m bitter about that. I wasn’t able to make these choices for myself. Those choices were made by sick adults. So, I’m left with a set of choices that I’d rather not have to make, but I have to.

I think that I’m really starting to grasp what RA really is. It’s a deep and personal decision. Letting go is hard. It feels very lonely, but why hold on to the pain? My parents are ashes now. There are no answers to be had. The answers don’t exist anymore.

I’m healing and I can see that I’ve progressed. I can understand how the folks that we discuss here refuse to go down these paths. It’s painful and hard. I feel for them. Knowing that fringe is a wild thing. Things could’ve been so much worse for me, but I found a way out, somehow. I’m not well, but it could’ve been really bad in retrospect.

Just a vent. I feel very blessed today with knowing all that could’ve happened, that didn’t. I can breathe easy.

Hi JNChell   

I am sorry you are having a hard time sleeping but what a thoughtful post.   Recovery is exhausting.  I think the more quiet times in my healing are even harder for me.  Adjusting to a new normal while knowing there is still more healing to come.  I try to get excited about it and usually can, but sometimes there is nothing but blah with a side of resignation. 

  My T told me there can be a place of peace and I am holding out for that.  I get there many times, but it does not stick yet.  I mention it here only to see if that resonates for you or gives you some hope.   I do believe we can define and make our own happy ending.  There can be times of happiness and joy.

I was watching a video with Marsha Linehan earlier today and she said Radical Acceptance is acceptance of what is while also working with hope that things can change (I paraphrased here but that was the gist).

Right now you identify with the very important part of RA "it is what it is" and that is great.  Remember though that there is more to it than that. 

Oh wow, can I relate to this.  I too understand why some people do not go for therapy.  I avoided it for a long time because the thought of working on things scared me.  I am also grateful that things did not end up worse for me!  Yes!  For me, it took a while to find balance in that though.  I used my gratitude as a way to minimize what I did experience... and then I had to re-build my foundation. 

 

Hi, Harri. I’m not feeling too excited about healing lately. I’m doing my best to meet it with optimism, but I’m not feeling enthusiastic about it. I’m just kind of tired of it at the moment. It’s hard to describe. I’ll keep pushing, I just feel over it right now. It’s a blah feeling. Kind of like a “whatever” attitude.

Hope is a feeling/thought that I don’t do anymore. I understand what you’re saying, but it seems like hope can be turned into an ultimate expectation. I’d like to limit my disappointments from here on out.  

I’m looking forward to understanding RA more in depth. Thanks, Harri.

Yep, it can be. 

JNChell,
I admire your courage and honesty.