BPDFamily.com

Hi!

It has been over two months since I detached from my best friend with BPD. In these two months, I've recounted a lot of my memories, most of the bad times. We were codependent at one point. Once I tried to break this codependency (getting into a relationship with my current girlfriend), my friend started to get very physical with me. She would shove me violently into a wall on my birthday then tell everyone that I hit her and she was only protecting herself. I know being shoved into a wall might not seem that bad, but in that moment, it really was. My girlfriend was standing next to me when this happened (the only witness), she was super upset and anger that this happened. It was that bad. When I brought it up to her a few months later, she said its because I liked to play fight. She then told me to playfight with her and then she grabbed me by the throat and told me not to mess with her. One of our mutual best friends was also standing there and she did nothing (they are now moving in together, ha).

I think that's what hurts a lot right now. Not many people know my side of the story. I never told anyone except my therapist and girlfriend about how she was getting increasingly physical. I've lost most of my friends as a result of our falling out. She talks about me a lot on twitter and gains sympathy from most of my previous friends. It's beyond frustrating.

I guess I'm feeling pretty silenced, but I know I can't act on my anger. There is no option of contact with her. I was wondering if anyone on here had a similar experience. When you detach and realize in hindsight how potentially abusive (mental, emotional, or physical) that person was and you have to deal with them getting all the sympathy.

Yes, I can relate to this 100%. I had a friend who was deeply manipulative and abusive. She'd only do it to me, and maintained, for years, this soft and sweet front to everyone else. She turned all of her family and boyfriend against me. It's deeply infuriating, to be honest. She gets to continue to portray this persona, and has cut me out of her life. It's nasty.

Hi dunkinflavor,

I can relate with your. I’m sorry that you’re going through this. That’s scary when she said that she play fighting then grabbed you by the throat.

I became friends with a lot of my ex’s friends, and there’s the in-laws too that was hard I felt like they were closer to me than my own family. I lost all of our mutual friends and her family sided with her obviously. It was tough but you find out who you’re real friends are. My family was still there and my best friend. Who wants friends like that were they don’t ask you your side of the story?

Hang in there.

I've been divorced from my exwBPD for 7 years, and to this very day she still posts things on social media about what a horrible person I am, my wife is, and even our children.  She is still getting sympathy, still living in a state of perpetual victimhood.  They need this to survive, apparently.  They need someone else to be the scapegoat.  The idea that some people out there in our little down actually believe these things used to really get under my skin.  But the truth is... many people from the outside already had her pegged.  I was the slowest one to come around.  And more and more people are finding out over the years.  I've had to do absolutely nothing to defend myself.  It all just falls out on its own.  I've bumped into people while out on dates with my wife, and once they realize I'm this particular person's ex-husband, their face recoils in shock and they say, "I'm so, so sorry!  I don't even know what to say about that person."  I smile, my wife and I look at each other, and we move on with the conversation.

My wife had a friend -two actually, at the same time- that are likely BPD.  Because of my experience with my ex, I spotted it right away.  It turns out one of them freaked out when she started dating me, as it triggered all of her abandonment fears.  We came to find out that she had been preparing for it for a while though.  When they finally had this big blowout, it came out that this friend had been telling her family and friends for over a year that her roommate (my now wife) was mooching off of her and doing all of these horrible things.  All completely untrue, but she had been setting the stage to make my wife look like a horrible person for when the relationship would eventually crumble.  And it did, as soon as my wife had a life outside of her.  And to this day, this person still shares about the "abuse" my wife put her through, even writing these long, fictitious blog posts about it.

It's not like it doesn't bother her to know this.  Of course it does.  But it doesn't control us anymore.  It doesn't keep us awake at night or bring us to want to defend ourselves.  We thought about even suing my ex for libel and defamation of character, but what's the point?  That would only entrench us with her all over again, and it would provide more ammunition for her next smear campaign about how badly she's picked on and how the world is unfair to her.  In the end, what has ultimately helped is having faith... faith that eventually the truth comes out all by itself and people realize what's really going on.  And I haven't been disappointed when it comes to that.