BPDFamily.com

I thought this comment from  @once removed  deserved it's own thread, as it's a fundamental question I found myself asking during marriage, and still afterward, I am curious:

This is a good observation of a book that described all negative human behavior as arising from pyschopathy. 

I had some concerns when I first found this site, that instead of focusing on better communications with my spouse, I was diagnosing her & labeling her unfairly, and making any sort of resolution impossible.

My XW was never diagnosed w/BPD or any other mental disorder for that matter.  But I do know she was seeing a T before we met, and explained the T's comments to her as expressing concern with her parent's behavior throughout her childhood (frequent fighting, physical & mental abuse, alcoholism, criminal behavior, and mutual infidelity). 

Over the years she confided in me some events which certainly would be damaging to any young person, particularly occuring in the formative years, as they did with her.  So, while she was never diagnosed, she did have enough  red-flag red-flag red-flag in her past to indicate a basis for distorted thinking, excessive anxiety, and other behavioral issues, if not BPD. 

I do wonder - to once removed's point above - if the idea that our partners are BPD stigmatizes run-of-the-mill bad behavior as somehow exceptionally bad & problematic, and makes us less likely to try to resolve long term conflicts and stay together.

I have a friend who's a psychiatrist, and while he agreed it sounded like my wife was BPD, he advised me to try to put concern over that aside, while I tried to resolve conflicts as they came up.

And a MC we had seen earlier in our marriage, later talked to me when we were going through a bad spat, and said he thought my wife was "normal," although some of her behavior was "a little excessive."  I told him he didn't know the half of it, and a lot of the time we were in counseling, I was self-censoring because being open during counseling sessions just lead to a lot more fighting after the sessions.   

In my own experience, I've come to the conclusion that, no, I was not just looking for an easy way out, and I did try to make it work in good faith; and even though I suspected my XW's complaints were not made in good faith themselves, I treated them so, and only stopped doing that after she was openly inconsistent (showed clear bad faith). 

And the issues underlying our long term fights and conflicts weren't the only problem; when I'd keep a journal of the things we fought about, I noticed that she could get heated and hold a multi-day grudge over just about anything, and even months I remembered as being "good" saw us spending 40% of the days either fighting or not speaking to eachother, (sometimes within a day or two of telling me what a good husband I was, and how lucky she was to have me, she'd be accusing me of infidelity because I checked my work email at home, screaming, slamming doors in my face, etc.)  And regardless of labels, that's not what I consider a healthy relationship, or one I want to be part of.  Also, for the first couple years of our marriage, I didn't even know what BPD was, let alone suspect my XW could have it.

I think, given the length of time a lot of other posters here spent in relationships, it's the same thing in their cases. 

knowledge of BPD is a tool that can either be used constructively or destructively.

Agree.  Although I think anyone willing to use it destructively probably has some issues of their own, like NPD, or is on the spectrum themselves..

One of the earliest pieces of advice I received regarding BPD - or a suspicion of it - was not to mention it to the pwBPD... as one would quickly find one's self being accused of it all the time.

In my own case, I never said anything about my suspicion to her, although I did once tell her I thought she needed help, and wanted to see her go see a T.  BUT that was after weeks of fighting around the holidays, after she had broken down and told me she didn't understand why she was acting that way to me, and she knew I hadn't done anything to deserve it.

I'd like to think it would have made resolving conflicts easier for me and ex had I known about his diagnosis from the beginning.  As it is, I didn't know he had been diagnosed years before until after we had finally broken up for good.  I don't know that the outcome would have been any different, but I may have suffered less.  It's not about labeling or setting low expectations but about having the information required early on to either make different decisions about the relationship or learn coping skills earlier on.

well said.

Labels didn't fly in our house. It was later in discussions with our mutual therapist after he left that I knew.

The therapist said to focus on the patterns. Where there is a damaging pattern, you have a problem.

We definitely had damaging patterns.  many.

As far as whether the knowledge could help resolve conflicts, in my experience, that was a resounding "NO."

But what it did help was reduce the suffering my XW caused other people, particularly my family members that she attacked.

I confided in a few of them at one point that I suspected my XW had behavioral issues, and not to take her nasty emails and text-message-bombs personally.  and not to worry about what they may have done, to provoke her.  I heard from several that helped them cope with her much better.  

They were miles away though. I didn't have the luxury of time and distance when I had the person next to me in bed, and kids sleeping down the hall, or listening in, to be mindful of.