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I feel like an empty shell. I feel like I’m going to war every few days and my only equipment is a spoon. This constant questioning she does is tearing me apart. Why did I find these keys? Who’s earring is this? Why is on-star on in your car? If you left why isn’t your car warm? Why is your hair messy? Why are you chewing gum? Who’s number is that on your phone?  Call them and put it on speaker phone. It was my boss. I found a bottle of pills downstairs, are you selling drugs.

These questions are INSANE!  I’m on edge, anxious, depressed. I don’t know what to do anymore. I cry constantly. I threaten to leave but she knows I won’t. I have Nowhere to go! 

I have been with this woman for 21 years!  It has NEVER been this bad.

I’m your queen for a day
Then cords of confusion
Question after question
I’m knocked off your throne
So easily your love forgotten
Replaced with venom
Until you come to pick
Me up off the ground
Wipe away the blood
From
My knees
Brush the tears from my eyes
place the crown
Back on my head
Kiss my cheek
Pretending
Everything
Is
Fine

Welcome aboard. I'm not one of the more experienced or knowledgeable members of this site, but it looks like no one has had the chance to respond yet, so I thought I'd say hello and engage with you first.

It can feel like you are going insane when there is all this disruption and negativity around you. My guess is you're probably very sane, but under a lot of stress and could use some help. Getting a good therapist for yourself goes a long way to making you feel better, and I recommend it if you have not already. 

I am in an almost 25 year marriage and things also seemed to start getting worse around year 21. That's when I  started researching all of this; and discovered this site and the Stop Walking on Egghells book, which have helped keep my perspective and sanity. What was a bit discouraging was that I read that pwBPD may have less symptoms with age, but here we are with things getting worse. Do you think that there are outside stressors or major life changes that may be triggering her?

The constant verbal abuse and put downs are exhausting. Look up the acronyms JADE and SET on this site for some starters on how to respond to that. Nothing is perfect, but it helps.  Take some comfort in that you are not alone. I'm sure the others on this site will have plenty more to offer you.

Nice poem. Is it an original?

I understand the empty and wrung out feeling.  I have experienced the sine wave of questions that emotionally suck your heart out.  When you couple that with the hateful things that can come with the escalation, you question why you are doing this?  The questions of my BPDw have always come with an episode but they have gotten worse over the last 10 years (I am on year 30 of marriage to my BPDw).  What has also gotten worse is the isolation that comes with the questioning.  You avoid contact with people to keep from triggering an episode with your BPDso.  I felt that over time that isolation has sucked every ounce of compassion and feeling from me in some respects.  I have to find ways to recharge and take care of myself as best I can.  What are the things you do that bring you peace and emotional rest?  Who are those people that you can talk to?  What is your support structure to help deal with this?  Are you stuck in FOG? (I know I was for a number of years).  Start thinking about how to rebuild your emotional resilience.  How can you do this and find charity in your heart for your SO? 

And remember you are not alone!

B
 

I have not been doing this for nearly as long as you and the negativity is driving me crazy. She is arguing with me about something that is partially really but making it a 10 instead of a 2.

I am always thinking life is hard enough without making stuff up. It makes me live without feelings...I dissociate. Have you read any of these books?