BPDFamily.com

My boyfriend and I have been together for just over 4 years. The first year and a half was amazing. We had so much fun together and I felt we had a mutual deep connection. 

At this point a dark cloud descended on the relationship. Long story short, he’s an alcoholic and drug addict (marijuana).  I was confused about what was going on, but eventually I put the pieces together. He knew he needed help. I stayed with him due to our strong connection and what I perceived as his willingness to turn his life around. I inevitably was able to help him enroll in a rehab facility. The wave of relief was intense! He exited rehab and I asked if he would like to move in with me. We’ve now been living together for almost 1.5 years.

The last 1.5 years have been the most challenging and maybe that’s just perspective of proximity. I have struggled to over come an excess of fear in his recovery, the balance of his emotional state and rebuilding trust.  I often find myself saying that I feel unsupported, not understood and isolated because I rarely can  express any feelings involving him and receive his support.  My boyfriend friend eventually relapsed on Marijuana and has been struggling to kick the habit again. Despite this relapse he continues to excel with his career and other positive life changes. I’m confident he can eventually get through this.

What I am not confident in is our ability to reconnect. I have been going to a therapist for several months now to help myself deal with the emotions of living through his addiction (and what I lived through doesn’t even pale in comparison to that of some others, but none the less still challenging).  Over the last several months, I have been telling her about the horrible arguments my boyfriend and I get in. Eventually she brought up the topic of BPD. While he can’t be formally diagnosed until he is completely clean off all substances, there are striking similarities in his behavior.  The arguments are reminiscent to a lesser degree of those had when he was drinking. I have no evidence that he’s drinking now, so I am going to assume until proven otherwise, alcohol is not a factor this time.

Last night may have been the straw that broke the camels back. I’ve learned to be quite good at remaining calm through most of the argument but it’s not to say I never get backed into a corner and bite.

He came home from work all excited to talk to me about something and clearly having smoked  marijuana. He proceeded to talk about how his long lost dream of dental school (something he tried to achieve before falling into addiction) could still come to fruition. My anxiety immediately spiked. First because this sparked a memory of his descent to addiction, second because he was talking about going to school in another state (where did I fit in to this picture?)  and third because I knew if I didn’t shutdown my emotions, the argument was coming. He sensed my lack of ease and asked me to listen. I expressed that I was feeling some unnecessary anxiety but told him to proceed. After the conversation he just kept telling me to relax over and over. I told him I just needed to express my feelings. And here’s where it went dramatically south very quickly.

For starters he talks over me constantly in these situations, so I couldn’t even express why I felt anxious. In a normal situation I assume I should be allowed to state the feelings I’m entitled to, receive some form of empathy or support and move on. Nope! All I got out was that I was confused because I didn’t know he was thinking about dentistry.

He asked why I didn’t have this reaction the day before when we were talking about other career endeavors he was considering. I replied “I felt they were more in line with what you were already doing”. Open the torrential flood gates! Here comes the rage. The situation escalated into how I just triggered him by dictating what was ok and not ok for his career just like his father  as he screamed in my face and started dictating what I should and should not do/say. I tried to calm the situation down by surprisingly remaining somewhat calm. I apologized and tried to reflect his emotion back with the understanding that I was trying to be on his team and I believed there was misinterpretation. Again, I am talked over. I literally cannot get one sentence out.

And then comes the no-win tactics of trying to force words into my mouth or drive the conversation one way or another. This is where I lost it. As he stood there yelling “I am so clear right now. Do I not seem clear to you? Huh? Do I not? Well tell me?” I couldn’t help firing back with “oh yeah, so clear through all that marijuana smoke”.  And here come the 6,329 F you’s and go F your selfs. And in all this I am reminded of how I am ALWAYS skeptical of what he brings to the table. I’m ALWAYS anxious. I NEVER indulge in creative thinking with him. Creative thinking? I took his dentistry plans seriously. There was nothing that made me believe that it was not a serious consideration. But NOO, I jumped to a conclusion thinking it was serious and not just something to fantasize about.

All through this (aside from my provokes marijuana comment), I tried to calm the situation down so we could talk. There was no winning and no room for my words.

And now it’s 6:20am, I’ve hardly slept, I am beyond upset and I never once felt loved or supported. Let the feelings of emotional isolation persist as I contemplate when I will feel I’ve tried my hardest and how awful the conversation will be if I get to the point I need to ask him to move out. 

My boyfriend leaves early for work on Wednesday’s. Normally Inreceive a sweet affectionate goodbye. Not today. I get my shoulder shaken and a “bye, have a nice day”. I’d love to discuss what happened last night after we both get home from work, but I know that’s likely another argument waiting to happen.