BPDFamily.com

Hi,

    I just stumbled across a page on the internet about BPD, and I realised (for the first time) that my wife seems to tick some of the boxes for that.

We've been having problem in our marriage for a few years now.  Her behaviour towards me has changed drastically recently, and I just don't know what's going on.

I'd appreciate any opinions on the below - does it seem possible that she has BPD?

Our history:

We met 18 years ago.  Started living together after just a few weeks.
We got on great - she was a happy, smiley, fun person for the vast majority of the time.  We laughed all the time.  Never any arguments.  She was always telling me how wonderful I was (an exaggeration I feel), how I was her everything.

She suffered from depression (and had done since a teenager).  Occasionally (maybe a couple of days every few months) she would get depressed, stay in bed for a couple of days.  In a few days, she would be over this, and back to her usual happy self.

(I believe that she was taking anti-depressants ever since I met her).

One thing I noticed about her - she was very quick to do a 180 degree turn with her "friends".  She would be best friends with someone one day, then something would happen, and she would HATE that person the next day (and forever after).  I thought this was strange, but never imagined that it would happen to me...

Also, she was terrible at keeping jobs.  Literally ever job I've known her have, she has quit due to "hating" her boss.

About ten years after we met, she started Cognitive Behavioral Therapy.  She was very impressed by this, believed it had "cured" her depression, and either stopped or reduced her anti-depressants.  In fact, she even started to doubt that she had had depression at all.

A few weeks later, she started an affair.  I found out, we split for about 6 months.  We got back together, she told me it had been a huge mistake.  Obviously I wasn't happy about it, but believed at the time that (1) we can all make a mistake, and (2) it was to do with her CBT and her "cure" from depression.

We went to marriage counseling.  She told me that there were things in our relationship that she didn't like.  She said I was not communicative enough, and that had made her go looking elsewhere.  I feel this is partly true - I don't tend to talk about my emotions, unless asked.  But I certainly am not someone that you could say it's difficult to talk to.  We were always have long conversations, usually deep into the night.

6 years later, we had a child.  Around this time (during the pregnancy), she stopped taking anti-depressants.  Our son was very difficult (never slept), so the first 18 months were very hard on my wife (breastfeeding all hours of the night).

About a year after the birth, I started noticing changes in my wife.  All affection for me disappeared.  She would never smile at me, or say anything nice.  She started criticizing everything I did, even little, irrelevant things.  When I was sick, she didn't once ask how I felt.
It was a complete personality change.

I put this down to the stress of dealing with a new baby, and the lack of sleep.

I have spent the last 5 years (since the birth of our son) "waiting" for my wife to come back.  She never has.  Where did this woman go, that I loved so much (and that loved me)?  Her behavior towards me is still usually cold, unaffectionate, business-like.  She seems to feel it necessary to criticize me at every opportunity - it's almost as if she is looking for things to criticize me for.  Before our child, I don't recall her EVER criticizing me.  Now she seems to hate everything about me - everything I do, think, say, my opinions, etc.

2 years ago, she told me that just before the conception of our son, she had had two other "affairs" that I didn't know about.  She described them as friendships that went too far (once, sexually, each time).  After they turned sexual (which she said she felt powerless to stop), she told me she never spoke or saw them again.  Whenever I try to talk about this, she breaks down - and i mean, really breaks down.  Laying on the floor, sobbing, for hours.  Says it was a huge mistake, is very painful to even think about, and she would rather divorce me than have to talk about it with me.  I am furious at this.  I believe that someone who has been unfaithful should take the time to answer their partner's questions about what happened.  But as usual, to preserve the peace (and our marriage), I have (for the moment) decided to let it lie.  We have a young child, remember.

Anyway, this is where we are today:

There are days now when she's calm, rational.  I can talk to her.  She's not her old self (affectionate, smiling), but it seems she is starting to become her old self.

But most of the time, although she is better than she was a few years ago, she still exhibits the following behaviors:

* Very critical - of anything I do that she doesn't approve of (ie. minor things, putting a towel in the wrong place, etc.).  It still seems to me that she goes out of her way to find reasons to criticize me.
She got really annoyed at the email I had decided to use for myself - it's too long and confusing, she said.  It's just my name with @gmail added to the end!

* Very argumentative - if I state an opinions that doesn't coincide with hers.  Arguments very quickly descend into her being furious, even throwing things (luckily nothing more damaging than a paperback book, for now).  Example:  we live in France now.  I mentioned how strange to me it was that there are no sitcoms on French TV, given how popular they are in the UK.  For some bizarre reason that I still cannot understand, this turned into an argument, which ended with her throwing a book at me and stating that she wants a divorce.  Over a discussion about sitcoms!  And the "funny" thing is - she keeps telling me how argumentative I am!
She always seem about 5 seconds away from anger, in any conversation with me.  As soon as I disagree with her, on any point, you can be sure the conversation is about to turn nasty.  And "nasty" usually ends with her talking about divorce.

* Very anti-me in all ways!  Apparently, all my opinions, likes, dislikes - are now completely annoying to her.  If I say I like a film, I get the eye-roll.  When I tell I joke to someone in her presence (a joke she used to like), I get the eye-roll.  Pretty much any expression of my personality, she hates.  If I put on music, she hates it and wants me to turn it down/off.  If I wanted a poster/picture on the wall - forget it!  ONLY if I picked something she liked, would I be allowed.  (As I type this, I realize how ridiculous this "marriage" is.  I'm a grown up, but cannot put a picture on the wall as it would cause a huge argument with my wife.  What a way to live).

* Extremely opinionated - Unlike when I met her, she is very sure of her opinions now, and won't tolerate me questioning any of them.  She seems to think she is 100% correct, 100% of the time.  This is such a change from the person I used to know.  Questioning one of her opinions will now rapidly lead to her being angry with me.

* Completely unaffectionate.  Not many smiles, rarely touches me, as for sex - forget it.  Not interested.  She says she has problems with sex, due to being abused when she was a kid.  This didn't seem to be a problem when I first met her, however.

* Much less happy than she used to be.  On a day to day basis, she is often sad.  I ask her why - she lists things in her life that are worrying.  But these are usually small things - an argument with her mum, a worry about something in the house than needs fixing, etc.  She used to be a generally happy person.  Now it seems the slightest thing will ruin her day.

I try to talk to her about these things.  This is what I get:

* When I tell her she used to be happy (even show her photos), she gets annoyed.  She says she was never happy then.  (If she wasn't happy, she must have been the best actor on Earth).

* I cannot tell her that I think she need help.  After the birth of our son, and her change in personality, I suggested she may have Post Natal Depression.  Being told she may have something wrong with her caused her to fly into a rage.  Now that she believes she is "cured" of her depression, she really will not tolerate the suggestion that she has any kind of mental illness.


In summary:

I don't know whether this gives any indication of BPD. 

She had depression for many years (but we were perfectly happy).

After being "cured" of depression (and stopping anti-depressants),
she had 3 affairs, then a baby, then a complete personality change (in my view - towards me).

If anyone can give me any advice, I would certainly appreciate it!