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I need a new mantra for responding to my DD19. She is vindictive when she feels wronged. Today she called from cell phone and asked how she can get her psycho ex bestie in legal trouble for posting inappropriate pics of my DD. She is probably at a police station now trying to file charges. This is daily life w/DD. -retaliation, retribution, slander, harassment and vindictiveness for those who’ve “done her wrong”. I responded with “you were told to have no contact with her. You are now jeopardizing your own legal freedoms, by your contact w/her”. She said “forget it, I’m hanging up on you”. This is a very typical exchange between us. I have no energy for the drama and very little compassion bc she brings it all on herself. I know my goal is to attempt to validate and diffuse, but honestly, it bores the heck out of me. Funny how after years and years of drama, I’m numb to it and simply yawn in boredom.
My T described it as a soldier being in the frontline for so long is either highly reactive or desensitized. Me, being desensitized. Thanks for your thoughts, here.
If you guys can give me a SET or DEARman script, I’ll try to memorize and use it daily!

Dropping by to give you a hug, PeaceMom

Hi PeaceMom :hi:

It's great you're asking for a script to use when talking with your DD. I have benefitted greatly from the collective wisdom of family here.

"How can I get my psycho ex-bestie in legal trouble for posting inappropriate pics of me?" I'll have to give this some thought, I'm fairly new at this way of communicating too, and I'll come back here hopefully before the weekend.

In the meantime, maybe other parents can chime in.

~ OH

Hi peacemom

Thanks for making me smile at the weary-worn term desensitised. Yes, I can understand that and it is different to detachment although I’m guessing they are intertwined.

So your daughter gets herself into dramas. Son28 used to - now he’s pretty calculated as he’s matured. He sought stimulation then couldn’t deal with the consequences (particularly between 19-22).  I didn’t help though that’s for sure (before I knew any better here!).

Have I got this right?  Daughter has dodgy best friend and they had a fall out. Best friend posted up hurtful images onto social media. Daughter now wants to report her to authorities.

My guess is anything you say right could be turned against you because she’s highly emotional and will take the slightest thing as a direct criticism. And of course, they can make up tomorrow and go back to where they started and repeat...

Usually with SET I start with what I want to say then I try to minimise it to three short sentences using deescalation words. I remove anything I know son would “rise” to  - like below,  I’d definitely take out “publicly humiliated” and also “chosen wrong friend”.

“Well, we all have chosen the wrong friend at some point in our lives. We find people, try them out and discover they aren’t the right fit for us. To read and see stuff about us on social media is incredibly hurtful and not the act of a true friend. I’d be terribly upset to be so publicly humiliated and I would want to take some form of action too. I’d feel exactly like you do right now.”

It’s not easy to find the right friend. (Truth)
Yes, but she may take the failure as her fault.  

So what’s your aim?

To calm and connect.

Stop her taking action?  (Out of your control, but you can try)

But it feels that you’d need two SETs and that may be too much for her to take in at once. They can be used separately hours and even a day/s apart. But son reactions were knee jerk so it’s tricky to keep up.

I’d find the truth statement first and work backwards.

1.
I’m so sorry xxxx has done this.
I’d feel exactly the same.
It’s hard to work out why others behave the way they do.

2.
I’ve been thinking about what we said.
It must be really hard for you right now, what a mess.
I’d want to retaliate too.
I don’t make good decisions if I’m really angry or upset.

Then leave it.

These are my thoughts. I hope they help you see how I go about it. You will find your own way because it’s important we are ourselves in our own unique situation. Go with your gut and your knowledge of your daughter.  Being de-sensitised (and I’ve  been there!) It is hard to offer any sympathy and empathy at all. They reap what they sow. .

I suggest:
Do something kind for her, make her bed or something practical like a drink/snack as a gesture “I can see your upset and thought you’d appreciate it”.  

When I got SET right I moved onto DEARMAN. Son started to trust me and then slowly came to me for help on how to deal  with his problems. Then, and only then, did I offer suggestions. I taught him DEARMAN and he now uses it.

Has your daughter asked for your advice?

LP

Great advice on appropriate response. It’s so hard to respond to their dysregulation bc I’m not bent toward retailiation. I see it as quite an evil, scary trait. It is not easy to love a child that you have very little in common with and would absolutely NEVER choose to be acquainted with in this world. I liked what someone posted about their two goals being:  1. to not let their loved one get under their skin and 2. self care. We turn a blind eye to 90% of what she’s doing bc the only consequence we can dole out is kicking her out. I’m tend to be a very empathetic person if another’s feelings  are somewhat inline with my own, but I find showing true empathy for feelings that are so magnified and fuel vindictiveness is an “act” on my part, which she sees right thru. I’ll keep on keeping on. Thanks all