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Title: I am only as good as my last deed Post by: MVJRMJ on June 07, 2019, 09:11:54 AM Yesterday my girlfriend asked me to come to dinner with her and her son. A few hours later she said it wasn't a good idea but that I should come over after her son goes to sleep. We spoke later that night and she said she was very tired and just wanted to take the night to relax. I was also very tired as we were both up late the night before. I then decided to take care of some things I needed to for myself. She ended up texting me at 11:30 telling me to come over. I told her I was too tired and I was afraid that if I came over we would end up in a fight which has happened many times in the past. She called and told me I let her down and she would never speak to me again. It took all my strength not to retaliate but I finally just went to sleep. Is this normal behavior? Is it common that no matter how many good things I have done she will base all decisions on this one disappointment or is this because of all the difficult times we have had in the past?
Title: Re: I am only as good as my last deed Post by: waverider on June 07, 2019, 06:02:27 PM Unfortunately pwBPD have a "now is forever" way of thinking, and their emotions come like a tsunami, it overwhelms all logic and reality. In that moment, that is what she believes, but her reality is a distortion of reality. All you can do is not jump aboard her version of reality, as you wont be able to steer it back on course at its height, it will only lead to sideline escalations.
Respond with an affirmation, and reassurance you are not going anywhere. eg "I love you, and I will speak to you tomorrow". She may not respond all that favourable, but she will hear it and take it on board later. Most important thing is not to get dragged into an escalation Title: Re: I am only as good as my last deed Post by: flare1 on June 09, 2019, 11:03:38 AM Even though a woman has accrued past benefits from her relationship with a man, this is no guarantee of her continuing the relationship with him. (Translation: What have you done for me lately?)
Title: Re: I am only as good as my last deed Post by: Red5 on June 09, 2019, 11:55:58 AM *One of the top five BPD manerisms... “feelings equal facts”.
1. Feeling is that she wants you to come over at almost midnight. 2. You say no to her, you state reasons why. 3. Your response does not figure with her feelings, her perceived reality... her feelings are facts to her. *One of the top two mannerisms of BPD is the fear of abandonment. 4. Her feelings... her perceived need was for you to come over, you told her no, she reacts... to her fear... which is the fear of abandonment. *Also in the top ten is the need to control and punish, which the pw/BPD will inflict upon the Non to make sense of the feelings... splitting... all or nothing... black and white (top ten also). Result... She colors you black... splits you, now, your ALL bad... . “She called and told me I let her down and she would never speak to me again.”... No doubt her feelings will change again soon, and once more these feelings will be her ‘real world’... the facts of her life, her perceived reality. All you have to do... is to figure out how to “fly formation” with her. Does this make sense MVJRMJ ? Kind Regards Red5 Title: Re: I am only as good as my last deed Post by: Chosen on June 10, 2019, 12:49:09 AM Is it common that no matter how many good things I have done she will base all decisions on this one disappointment or is this because of all the difficult times we have had in the past? In short, it does not matter how many good things you have done. A longer version would be: when the pwBPD is NOT dysregulated, they would probably remember the good things. They would probably commend you for it. After all, you did something good for them, and in their "normal" state they would act like "normal" people and appreciate you. But when they're dysregulated, all that is out the door. As other members have said, feelings = facts, and when they are feeling negative, they will only see you- the whole of you and all that you've ever done- as negative. They could even take the things that you have done well and minimise them to nothing, or turn them around so those become negative too (e.g. "you only did xyz for me for your own good, because you are selfish and want to feel good about yourself"). But I try to remind myself that I do "good"/ what I consider to be helpful/ good to my pwBPD not for him to appreciate me (it will just lead to disappointment), but because I want to be a decent human being, to treat others decently, and because I love this person. Title: Re: I am only as good as my last deed Post by: MVJRMJ on June 13, 2019, 07:25:09 AM Thanks everyone for all your responses. As someone who also suffers himself I can really relate to what you are saying both on an experiential and personal level. She and I have vastly different triggers but when she is triggered it is exactly like you said. She not only disregards anything I may have done positive but can often turn it around as a negative ... you did that for your own selfish reasons. When I am triggered usually by my father or sister I just start yelling and often don't understand what I was so angry about after the fact.
Title: Re: I am only as good as my last deed Post by: MVJRMJ on June 20, 2019, 02:23:33 PM *One of the top five BPD manerisms ... “feelings equal facts”. 1. Feeling is that she wants you to come over at almost midnight. 2. You say no to her, you state reasons why. 3. Your response does not figure with her feelings, her perceived reality ... her feelings are facts to her. *One of the top two mannerisms of BPD is the fear of abandonment. 4. Her feelings... her perceived need was for you to come over, you told her no, she reacts ... to her fear ... which is the fear of abandonment. *Also in the top ten is the need to control and punish, which the pw/BPD will inflict upon the Non to make sense of the feelings ... splitting ... all or nothing ... black and white (top ten also). Result... She colors you black ... splits you, now, your ALL bad... . “She called and told me I let her down and she would never speak to me again.”... No doubt her feelings will change again soon, and once more these feelings will be her ‘real world’... the facts of her life, her perceived reality. All you have to do... is to figure out how to “fly formation” with her. Does this make sense MVJRMJ ? Kind Regards Red5 [/quote Thanks, That is such a spot on description of how our interactions go. Title: Re: I am only as good as my last deed Post by: MVJRMJ on December 10, 2020, 09:20:37 AM Thanks to all for the replies. I am once again in the annihilation phase. During these times she blocks me from calling and now she has been leaving her voice mail full so I am unable to leave a message (the only way to communicate when I am blocked). She and I have spoken about this so many times and her answer when she is upset is simply, this is who I am. I have accepted that she will be this way forever (to a lesser or greater degree).
I am trying to simply leave her to figure it out since everything I say only triggers her to act out. Title: Re: I am only as good as my last deed Post by: once removed on December 11, 2020, 06:02:10 AM its been like a year, man! where ya been?
seriously, you dont have to do this alone. experts will tell you that a strong support system is critical. what happened? what is happening? |