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The shock of yesterday is just setting in. My son came within a hair's breath of shooting his brains out in front of me in the middle of our living room. As a former cop, I already carry around PTSD from having witnessed other people do that. I already have scary images in my head including one in which a cop who was about my son's age suicided due to a love triangle situation. When I arrived on the scene his brains were on the ceiling fan just going round and round. I will never unsee that. Now I have an image in my head of my son's brains and blood all over my own living room. If that happened I don't know what I would do. Nowhere is emotionally safe for me any more. Not even my own home. I feel like I am losing this battle. I have been terrorized. I am a charismatic Christian meaning that on top of all the BPD information I gain here which is incredibly useful I also need to deal with this on the level of what we call spiritual warfare. I feel like an evil spirit is involved. Please don't take that as me saying this is what others should think. I am sharing my truth not defining truth for others. So today is Pentecost for us, a time of miracles and breakthroughs. My H and I and my son in absentia will be intensely prayed for. If you pray too I ask you to do so. If that isn't part of your beliefs good thoughts work too. Thank you.
Love
Faith

Hi FaithHopeLove,

The Board Parrot is definitely thinking of you and sending positive thoughts your way

I read your other thread too. Very sorry you experienced this with your son and I can see that given your past work experiences, your son acting this way would be extra triggering.

Fortunately, your son is still with us. Yet it's also very clear that moving forward, something needs to change. Your son was arrested and taken into the psych ward, but ultimately released without charges filed. What was the assessment of the professionals at the psych ward? How do they assess your son's current mental health situation?

The Board Parrot

Thanks Board Parrot. The psych hospital evaluation was very perfunctory. The diagnosed him as having drug induced mood disorder or something like that sort of a fancy way of saying he was high and acting messed up. Duh. Something needs to change but I am powerless to do so.

Ok, 'drug induced mood disorder' is what they say. Hmmmm did they perhaps give any recommendations for (further) treatment?

Yes I can understand you feeling powerless watching your son behave this way. Right now the only thing you can really do is focus on the things you can control. You could not control him making those threats, but you could control your response to them and you did by calling 911 and getting the police involved.

I can see how something like this happening would be very triggering. Self-care and mindfullness/meditation are other things you can control to help you compose yourself a bit, yet I also realize and know from my own experiences how particulalrly challenging it can be to engage in these activities with so much going on. Still, I urge you to also try to tend to your own emotional, mental and spiritual needs as you work on finding a way forward

The Board Parrot

Faith,
I have no words, but am praying for you fervently. I believe change is possible and brighter days are ahead.
PM

Board Parrot I am usually the one preaching self care. I will take my own advice.
Peace mom thank you. I pray you are right.

Hi Faith,

I am so sorry you are going through this. I believe in spiritual warfare, too. I totally get where you are coming from regarding the involvement of an evil spirit. I don't know if you have ever heard of the pastor Robert Morris, but he has a lot of good teachings about the subject.

I believe in speaking God's truth out loud as part of spiritual warfare. It's hard, but I do believe we serve a supernatural God, and I believe in "calling those things that be not as though they were." I will most definitely pray for you and your son, and I would encourage you to find the truth in God's word, even if it doesn't line up with what you see in the natural, and speak that truth out loud over your son, your family, and let the devil know that his tools of discouragement and frustration will not move you.

Luke 10:19 "For I have given you authority over snakes and scorpions, and over all the power of the enemy; you shall not be harmed."

Psalm 91:9-11 "If you say 'the LORD is my refuge', no harm shall befall you; no plague shall come near your tent. For he will command His angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways."

https://www.charismamag.com/life/women/10058-take-your-authority-over-the-enemy (https://www.charismamag.com/life/women/10058-take-your-authority-over-the-enemy)

Hi Faith  

I've been keeping up with your threads and thinking about you a lot.
I am so very sorry for what you have been experiencing. I just want to reach thru the internet and give you a giant hug and tell  you it will all be ok.
You and your family are in my prayers, I have been saying extra prayers for you at night and I hope this burden is lifted from you and you can have some peace.
Much Love,
E22 oxoxox

That's shocking, and in glad he got through it and is safe. Have the firearms been removed from him having access?

I think he threw the gun away when the police were chasing him. But he has others and can get more. We told him yesterday to stay away from the house. I am experiencing all sorts of health problems that I think are anxiety related.

I am so sorry for what you are going through. Nobody deserves to live in this fear. I am praying that your son finds some peace and that these images are being wiped out of your memory for good - even though I know it would be a miracle...Hang in there.
Margarete

Hi Faith :hi:

I'm so sorry you had to experience such a terrifying event. You did the right thing, of course, calling the police. I'm glad you are all safe. You have been through so much, and have been a great support to your son and your H. I'm glad you'll be taking your own excellent advice by practicing self-care. 


This doesn't surprise me, I'm so sorry to hear your health is suffering. I'm glad you've taken the important step to put yourself first and foremost. I know it's not easy to do, to tell your son to stay away. How are you doing with this decision? How did DS respond? Is he in contact? Sorry if you've answered these questions somewhere already, I'm playing catch up. We've got you, Faith. The members here have helped me through some very difficult times, yourself included, thank you. It's your turn for some love and care xoxo

~ OH

OH DS is still binging on drugs and remaining hostile toward me and my husband. My H went to visit him yesterday which may have been a mistake
 Nonetheless DS is leaving us alone
 Time will tell how this all pans out.

Faith , I'm also on catch up with your threads, I've been away on retreat. I'm so very sorry, your son is escalating his mental health hostility towards you and that he slipped through the net of gaining help this time. I support others mentioned in another thread to reach out for trauma therapy for you and your H. I live in the UK, we do not have guns, we do have to make our homes safe, whatever and that includes legally issuing home is a no go area like Swimmy55 did, and it is hard.

I get you, H visiting yesterday may not be best, I think it'll confuse your son, H, you. Think Karpman triangle, the healthy one.

We are all walking with you and H.

WDx  

I am terribly sorry Faith HL. I  apologize for my belated response as somehow I missed this . Please know you did the right thing by putting you first.  Sometimes their behavior escalates when there is a change in their status quo.  As someone mentioned, trauma therapy would be essential for you .  Your husband did act out of concern so his intentions were good, however you both need a "time out" from your son. 

Amen.
We are here with you FHL

Thank you all. It is a deep valley.

It is a deep valley Faith. We stand by them.

WDx

Dear FHL
I'm right with you in the battle.  Coming to this group is part of my spiritual warfare, I think of it as 'knowing the enemy".   I had not really accepted this diagnosis  until recently.   I too had a very traumatic event in January, I had to Baker Act  my son by calling the police.  He was in deep meth psychosis.  My son told me if I called the police he would commit suicide by cop.   I had no choice, I asked the officers to please consider how mentally ill he was, it was the longest hour of my life waiting, praying... The police handled the situation so well. Thankfully he went with them and didn't act out on his threats.  I shook for days, so I can feel the trauma of your situation.   I pray that you can be cut free from this event and your eyes and mind cleansed from all the horror you witnessed as a cop. Thank you for all the sacfrices you made as a first responder. 
  I'm praying for you and all the families on line here. 
-nevergiveup