BPDFamily.com

Hi...

Though the question in subject sounds novice, but i have come along quite a long way knowing and coping and managing with my un-BPD SO.

12 years in relationship. Traumatic break up at 7yrs, he into another affair, patch up after 10 months, i discover BPD and then, new life new struggles. Last 3 years are much in control than the first 8-9 yrs. He has shown considerable changes. But obviously not a 'normal' relationship, and never will it be.

But over and again, the question pokes me. I have explained his behaviour in BPD terms to myself and accepted him as someone suffering from a disorder and thus deserves to be accepted and treated with love. But then,  sometimes a cold fear engulfs me. What if i am just being blind? What if he is a plain bad guy and i am too co-dependent to see otherwise?

I know seeking help of a therapist is a good option. But trust me, in my country there's no therapist qualified enough to understand BPD. I tried a lot, but in vain.
For instance, if i goto explain the erratic behaviours of my SO, i'll be asked 'why are you staying with such a guy?'...
Really... Why are we staying with such a person? What's the answer? What are your answers everyone?

So, like i was saying, back in 2015, already 6yrs of oscillating relationship by then, i went to another state to study, never knew his fears of abandonment, he splitted, with severe mood swings, once idealizing promising marriage, again shutting me out totally. Parallelly he started an affair, which when i found, we broke up. I went into severe trauma, discovered BPD which totally explained his behaviours right from the beginning. Depression treatment for me, i was better after 9 months of trauma. Then he came back, as usual pleading mercy and idealizing.

Things slowly began to improve, since i was applying learnt coping strategies. But I had strictly forbidded him to see or talk to that girl.

Fast forward 3yrs.. All more or less going ok...

Last week, happened to see his cell phone, her (that girl with whom he had an affair) name appears on the top of the list of 'frequently contacted' in WhatsApp.

Shocked, i freaked out and shouted at first, then remembered logical arguments are useless with BPDs.. Then I applied SET principles (from : I hate u don't leave me) made myself 'heard' as much as i could and did as much as i could to strengthen the boundary that that girl is a BIG NO.

Point is, i believe that they might not be having an actual affair (not sure though), but the point is he hid the fact that they are in contact. He also violated the boundary.

My question are two :

1. How do i know for sure that they aren't having an affair? We don't have common friends at all. Even if i make some, how do i know if those friends are trusty and saying truth?

2. More important : I excuse his behaviour thinking he has poor emotional intelligence so he never gave it a thought what effect 'their' renewed /continued friendship may have on our (his and mine) relationship. That it might again break the trust we had slowly gained after the traumatic breakup. But on the contrary, what if he is just a 'bad guy' and i have totally been blind? I do am very emotionally dependent on him. So what if i am just overlooking the simple fact? How to know for sure?

The broader question is, apart from diagnosis, how do you know for sure that this is BPD and not just a 'bad person-blind you' case?

PS - I am NOT looking for any diagnosis here. I am just seeing opinion of all of you as to how you see these issues.




 

There is a saying "dont judge me by my disability, judge me by my personality". So what happens when you have a personality disability?

This is where we struggle to come to terms with having  a relationship with a pwBPD, and why we tend to bounce back and forth, excusing and rejecting respectively. It is also why we struggle with boundaries, as we tend to use them to try to control their behaviour, rather than to protect our own self. This is not really how boundaries work.

"He violated the boundary" implies you see the boundary as controlling him, and it is his responsibility to maintain. In truth he can, and will, do as he pleases and it is your boundary to enforce and protect. I will do X to remove myself from the consequences of Y, this is what boundaries are about. As X is the only thing you can control.

Giving someone "boundaries" and leaving it to them to comply is a recipe for failure, especially if they have a history of non compliance.

The rub off with BPD is that the inconsistent and chaotic way they behave creates a confusing fog which makes it hard for us in turn to maintain consistent counters and strategies to deal with it, despite all the theories we learn. So in turn we feel like we consistently let ourselves down as things sneak past our idealistic values.

These inconsistencies in turn create intermittent reinforcement that a pwBPD will exploit, either consciously or subconsciously.  This leaves us feeling manipulated or used. Ultimately losing trust and respect in the pwBPD. It is this reaction towards the pwBPD as everyone they have ever known either leaves or emotionally pulls away. They become sensitive to this, and expect it, leading to the abandonment fears trait of BPD.

Your underlying issue here is not whether he is, or isn't, having an affair. It is I dont want to live with the undermining feeling of distrust and suspicion that comes with a BPD relationship. As you have found in the past, you could get a definite yes/no on this issue, but the underlying issue will not be resolved as another symptom of this will just be around the corner, and every corner after that.

Living with eternal suspicion is more harmful than the "crime" from which it stems. An analogy to this is the advice given to partners of alcoholics. Trying to count their drinks will end up making you mentally sicker than the alcoholic.

Dealing with a pwPD there is a natural need to know what they are up to which is born out of mistrust. From their perspective a pwBPD has a huge fear of "being controlled" and have a strong sense of holding back their privacy. Unfortunately their "privacy" is immune from the values of others. ie what they do in this area is perceived as non of your business, hence the lack of guilt in hiding it. This comes from lack of, or defective, empathy.

Ultimately what all this means is that attempting to control, restrain, or modify them is doomed to failure. Even knowing their full truth is extremely unlikely. So it comes down to this is what it is, can you live with it, or at least around it, as it is?