BPDFamily.com

Hi guys,

If I miracle doesn't happen, and I'm not even hoping for that miracle, I'm in the process of losing my family. Without details that we all suffered one way or the other, this family was my (now ex)GF, and her two kids 8 and 12 now. We've been together 5 years 4 of them living together.

She "left me" more than a hundred times, and then she didn't leave. I did everything I could to keep her with me. This time is different:

- Now she told the kids it's over.
- Now I can't insist anymore. I have no hope we can be happy together unless she has a big change and a strong compromise of respecting me, and treating me better. This is not going to happen, so I'm not even asking her to do that.

Everytime we got back together, it was me insisting, and she saying "OK". She never made promisses or expressed the will of us being together. So I fell I settled for less and less.

So, we have the kids, who still feel I'm their dad. And they're finishing their school year. And after that, they are gone. She has no job and only a small chils support, so I have no clue how they're gonna survive, and that worries me a lot.

So one thing is how I am gonna live with that, and another is how I'm gonna live with my own sense of failure and emptiness. I have no hope, no dreams, no ambition...

I'm hoping to know about people who felt like that after a depleting RS, and then saw the light, and felt better.

it took me a while, but things definitely got better.

what is the next step for you? are you going to be living together?

Hi JoeBPD81, I'm sorry to hear about your situation, it sound tough.

What's the status today? Are the two of you on speaking terms?

Hi, thanks for answering.

Something happened that confused me even more.

Yesterday we talked a lot, things have been quiet but more civilized these days, and we've mised each other a lot, even under the same roof. We talked about things being over and her options, and about what we feel for each other, even though the RS doesn't work, and why doesn't work. All in all a sad conversarion, but we felt close to each other. It was texting. When I got home we hugged several times in silence. (I wanted to kiss her so bad when I saw her smiling at the kids, but I didn't). She looked at me the way she does when she likes me a lot.

Then after each went to bed, she texted me that she was high with her sleeping med, and the she suddently thought about this summer and she was excited about one thing. And that she is never excited about anything. The thing is that we have a flat available for us at the beach, and the grandmother is up for taking care of the kids, so we could be there for a short holliday. She said "Who cares about after?"

She usually is a nonBPD once she is relaxed, after she has her sleeping meds. Then she passes out. Unfortunatelly, next day she doesn't remember or takes back her words, and tells me she was silly, and now she is embarrassed. 

Knowing this I was puzzled and sad. I didn't know if to even think about it as she would take it back before we can go for sure. And I told her it was nice to hear that. But she could tell I was uncomfortable. So, surely, next morning she has taken it back... And then I'm not sure if it's back on the table.

I don't know what I want at all. Sure I want no more conflict and FOG and accusations... But I can't say I want them to leave. I absolutelly can't say I don't want to see her (or the kids) anymore.

And we never have the chance to talk, and have time without the kids. And with the kids means war all the time. The older kid brings a level of violence and anxiety that no one can live, or even think straight.

The problem is that I neither have hope for the RS. I don't think some days without the kids will change anything. But I do want the chance to talk things over without constant interruptions, and having to smile for the kids. Maybe it's just the chance to say good bye.

Do you think it makes some sense? Or this is a mistake however you look at it?

She was a good friend before being my GF. And I think I'll be there for the kids one way or the other, as I'm the only father they know. So I don't know if complete NC is possible. Unless it's the only way to stop hurting one another.

I don't think we'll be living together after the summer. But I don't know where they will live. Maybe in the same city or maybe 300 miles away. I don't know where I'll live either, although I'll stay in the same city unless I can have a job somewhere else. So I don't know what I am preparing for exactly. So I don't know the next step. The kids are finishing their school year, so exams and all that. That's all I know so far.

She offered to leave right away, and to not wait util the school is done. And I said that was a bad idea. That's only some days away.

So sorry you're going through this.  This is pretty painful stuff.

I think the truth is found right in your own words.  It was that way for me, too.  The answers were right in front of me -it's just that I didn't want to see them.


Was the same for me.  The final times, I was the one who wanted out of the relationship, and it was like a switch flipped.  She became so sweet and endearing, so willing to hug me and talk about old times, to reminisce.  As soon as I let her back in, the switch flipped back.  After we finally divorced and she saw I started dating someone, she sabotaged that by suddenly promising that she would do counseling for herself and admitted there was something wrong with her.  Within a few weeks (and lots of sex) she moved back in.  Almost immediately, once she had regained her position, she switch flipped back and within maybe 1 or 2 months she was cheating on me again, but she had expressed to others that she intended to keep it a secret so that she could have me take care of her while she finished school and bettered herself.

So, unfortunately my caution to you is to allow the past to set reality before your eyes rather than to be lulled by their temporary emotions that are intended to hang onto you (or their situation) when they feel you slipping away.

A counselor warned me years before, "She's going to keep doing this to you."  At the time, I was dumbfounded, largely because I truly believed she was doing all of these things to me (and our family) because of my failures, my flaws, and situational issues.  I bought every possible excuse and blame because I couldn't understand that it was just how she operates and handles relationships. 

I think it makes perfectly sens to want a trip, some alone time and to want to talk things through. Everything is changing, it's in flux, and it seems that you don't have a proper closure right now. In my personal experience, I would caution against doing a trip, though. Chances are it'll cause more pain and confusion in the long run.

That said, we all have our own path to walk, and only you can walk yours. There's certainly no rule against you taking a trip with her, and we're here for you no matter what your path looks like. It's a sad time and a confusing time. I get it. I've lived it. Many, many, many members here have. So whatever happens, we're here.

Thanks a lot for answering.

As it is natural everyone extrapolates their own experience to give advice. I do that too. But then I find that there are big differences between 2 people wBPD. So some things apply and others don't.

I met my exGF when she was a single (divorced) mom battling for custody of her kids after a case of domestic abuse. I Identified with her depression and her social anxiety, and her high intelligence. I was 36, and I felt understood for the 1st time. (Which must mean I'm not quite right in the head also). Both felt a connection and fell in love without wanting to, in the worst possible time.

FF 5 years, and I'm living with her and the kids. The kids are a handfull. Both ADHD, with PTSD and a genetic pool of mental illness all around. I'm very afraid that the S12 is a psycopath (not as in evil, but as a diagnosis), and I've talk about him long in these forums. Long story short, everyday is a timeloop of violence, abuse, emotional blackmail, and our failure to make it change as parents. Not only it doesn't get better, but time has make it worse, new traits are added. There are plenty of therapist involved, and they don't have a clue either.

We never had a boyfriend/girlfriend RS. In 5 years we've spent maybe 20 days without the kids. And 5-6 evenings. Out of the war and the violence of the kids, she's a different person. Because her stress levels are manageable. And when she doesn't have to be in that combat mode, she remembers she loves me, and she can show it.

This are some of the things I see people here suffering for, but that she doesn't do:

She never left and cheated on me. She never spends a cent on herself. She doesn't have a social life. She never stalked me even when she had unfounded suspicions of me cheating. She usually avoids attention. She never claimed she was OK and I had the problem. She never hit me, or went on a verbal rage against me (she can say very hurtful things, but not because she blames me for everything, she blames herself for everything).

So many times I struggle to explain everythig with BPD. She's been diagnosed with it and she adknowledges it. But she has more official diagnosis: Anorexia nerviosa, PTSD, ADHD, general anxiety dissorder, severe depression. AND therapist wanted to test for Bypolar. On top of that she has the idea that "Avoidant personality disorder" fits her better. And she also fits at 98% tests for Asperger's.  So she has a strong sense that everything is wrong with her and she shouldn''t live with other people. She never believed she could be a good GF to me, and she wanted to leave me free to find some one "worthy" of me since the beginning.

I'm tired and frustrated, and I want to stop doing things that don't work. But I can't say I want out. I feel more like I don't have any more tools, and I don't have hope that we can improve. And maybe without me enabling the situation, they can finally start to make some progress.  But I'm also afraid it can all go to hell.

I'm 41 now, and I know that's not too old to be tired of life already. But I don't have the desire of finding love again, I value peace more. But just absence of conflict, and going to work everyday just to make ends meet, feels like it's not enought motivation to keep doing it. That's how the next stage in my life looks like now to me. So I'm not in a hurry to go there yet. I picture myself as an early grumpy grandpa. With my salary I might have to share a flat, and that sounds like too much to bear right now.

So, it might still not happen. But having the chance to spend some days with the woman I still love, and with some continuity, without having to put out fires from the kids all the time. With her mood more stable, and time to think and to talk. That doesn't sound bad right now. A bit scary, but I don't feel I have much to lose anyway.

As you say, there is no "standard pwBPD", everyone is different, personalities are different. They have BPD, they are not BPD. And with your partner, there are other issues at play as well. We on the board are here to mutually help, support and nudge each other, but we are not experts of others' lives. Whether spending some days with her without the kids is right, is for you to decide.   
Has she brought it up again? Do you want to bring it up if she doesn't?

Thanks so much for support and not judge. Wherever I end up, I know I won't be completely alone, at least I'll have this place to find some comfort and understanding.

It was left open. Yesterday she asked me to watch a (2 hour) documentary together that we had talked about. We watched half of it and agreed to watch the other half today. And she thanked me several times.

I will bring it up, but I'm waiting for my boss to tell me if I can have those days this summer, as I should have asked much sooner.