BPDFamily.com

Hi

I only just discovered this website yesterday, and this is my first post!

I am 64 and my wife 59. We have been married 17 years - second marriages for both of us.

Our relationship has  always been stormy. My wife has always been very emotional, getting upset at the slightest thing, and rages have been frequent - at myself or our  daughter.

At the start I didn't know what was going on, I was confused and felt something was wrong with me. I had a breakdown after just two years, suffered with anxiety and depression and had to give up working, which as I was the main bread winner, brought its own issues.

It has taken me a long time to recover, and I now understand that my wife is suffering from some mental health problems.

Last year it came to a head. She made big plans to move house but when it failed became very depressed and threatened to commit suicide. I was advised to leave her by a therapist and consulted a divorce solicitor.

However, we reconciled and stayed together, and she has been a lot calmer since then - only a few episodes which I have managed to navigate.

She accepts that she has  "demons" but refuses to go to see a therapist, so I do not have a proper diagnosis. During our crisis last year I was convinced she was suffering from narcissistic PD, but now I know that was wrong, and from what I have read this last week or so about BPD, that seems a much closer fit. But I am very wary of making an amateur diagnosis after my experience last year.

So that is me... I feel (hope?) that we have got through the worst and as a couple have matured enough to stay together. I am looking forward to exploring this forum more and maybe meeting (online) other people with similar experiences to share and support each other.

Many thanks for reading this far!

Hi Jamspop and welcome! :hi:

While I'm sorry for the situation that brought you here, I'm glad you've found us!

Many of us have found ourselves in the same situation: confusion, feeling like we were the problem, not knowing what was going on. You're not alone there! Also, many of us here (including yours truly) have loved ones with no diagnosis. You'll find that, unless you're talking about therapy, a diagnosis doesn't matter that much. The point is, she shows symptoms and the tips and tools and support you will find here can help deal with those.

You say you've been able to navigate some rough times lately. Could you tell us how you were able to do that (it could help others)? What tools do you use?

Welcome again and keep posting!

Hi, thanks for responding to my first post!

I don't think I'd describe what I do as following a tool, maybe just a set of attitudes and responses.

For example, just moments ago we had a potential flash point. I shall try to keep it brief.

At the weekend, my wife said that she felt she had eaten too much bread recently. This morning I walked past the kitchen and saw her about to make some toast. "Before you cut into that bread, I was planning to do soup with toast for lunch". She immediately "flared" - she hates any "obstruction" to what she wants to do (toddler's tantrum at not getting own way?). She was visibly upset and cross at me.

My natural reaction would be to argue with her and get angry at her reaction to what was a well meaning comment, or to remain quiet and not say what was on my mind.

However, I used the rising anger in me to respond firmly "I was just thinking about you not wanting to eat so much bread". And then I walked  away to carry on getting dressed - knowing that I had to disengage from the conversation, and let her emotions subside. After about quarter of an hour I returned, and we made a bit of a joke about it. The emotions had subsided in her (and me!) and we were able to talk normally and civilly.

It was a very minor conflict, but on the days she is home with me, it happens maybe a handful of times. It is very wearing.

Having read a little bit about BPD this makes a lot of sense. The sudden anger, the twisting normal comments into something evil, the need for time to return to normality.

Cheers

The flare-up cycle is very common to many of us. Disengaging is often the best bet, to give them space to return to baseline.

And I know what it's like to have basic, well-meaning -- or just perfectly innocuous -- comments twisted and blown up. One thing I've worked on is trying to see my undiagnosed husband's point of view. I say one thing, but to the BPD mind, it's translated a completely different way. Learning their language can help a lot with those misunderstandings.

If you haven't already, you might want to take a look at the tools we have on this site. They really can come in handy. Here are a couple I found useful:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/listen-with-empathy
https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-dont-be-invalidating

Let us know what you think!

Thanks Ozzie101 - will look at tools as soon as possible!

Cheers