BPDFamily.com

Good morning from the East Coast USA.

I haven't been around for a while, as life tends to get in the way, but some of you may remember me from about a year ago, when I was a regular poster here.

I wanted to drop by and update everyone here on the status of my BPD 20 yo daughter.

She is doing fantastic, and not "comparatively fantastic", actually fantastic.  I picked her up from an in-patient residential facility June 1, 2018 (a little over a year ago), and in the interim, she has gotten a job (and kept it), gotten another job away from home, and has moved out. 

There have been no episodes of self-harm, no ups and downs mentally, no thoughts or attempts of suicide, and the best thing is that both her psychiatrist and her therapist agreed that she no longer needed psych meds!  She still attends therapy, once a month (as opposed to twice a week), and she seems like she is really flourishing.

I'm so happy for and proud of the progress that she has made and will continue to make as an adult.

On another note - I wanted to stop and honor the time I spent here.  The people of this group are truly amazing in their support, guidance, and advice for others.  There is nothing like showing up here, alone and afraid, and having many people say, "yeah.  Me too.  Come.  Sit.  Tell us your story.  You're not alone."

Just knowing that made it a little easier for me, as I hope this update does for you.

I'll still drop by once in a while to say hi.

Remember - you're not alone.


-jyw

That really is amazing news. I am so thankful you shared it because I am one who really needs reason to hope. To what exactly do you attribute the turn around?

This is wonderful news indeed!  Thank you for sharing this .

Thanks for stopping by with positive news, JustYouWait.

Like FaithHopeLove, I'm eager to hear what factors in your mind contributed to this wonderful news.

LnL

JYW-
Please provide more details. Are you allowed to mention the RTC by name in this forum or can you send me the name privately?
Did she do the hardcore Linehan 1 yr DBT individual and Group therapy that is protocol?

I have become extremely hands off and detached from my UBPD 19 yo DD but she lives here so I don’t have the benefit of “out of site, out of mind” which I yearn for on a daily basis.

Thanks for updating us with even more insight !
Peacemom

I'll try to answer all of these questions in one thread.

We decided to send her to Wellspring Foundation, specifically, the Angelus House.  I cannot say enough about the people and program there.  Angelus House is specifically for women between 18-23.  Wellspring also has a school for younger kids. They took my daughter, properly diagnosed her (FINALLY) with BPD as opposed to General Anxiety Disorder/Bipolar/Oppositional Defiance Disorder/etc./etc./etc. (sound familiar?)

The staff there went through hell with my kid.  Multiple self-harm incidents.  But they never stopped, never gave up, never lost hope.  And it worked.  And it gave me some separation in order to get my own self together.

At least, it has worked so far (I've become a firm believer in the "for now" addition to most of my sentences about this subject, because well, we never know, do we?).

The other thing that I attribute to helping ME is personal therapy for me and my wife (step mom), both together and individually.  Boundaries and not apologizing for things that aren't mine has helped immensely.  Boundaries aren't just for the BPD individual, y'all...they can also protect us, and self-protection is paramount to making it through this thing.

I also realized that (and this is tough) my kid was either going to cut or not, and there wasn't a darned thing I could do about it.   It was a very freeing feeling for me.

I hope this helps, and if there are any more questions, I will follow on in this thread.

ask away, because you're not alone.

-jyw

Lovely!

So happy for you...thank you for posting and giving me hope!

It's great to hear from you JYW mate, thanks for popping by and sharing your great news  

This is truly wonderful news, your DD is doing fantastic, wowow a young independent woman.    What kind of work is DD doing?  What meds is DD tapering off. We're not there yet, but one day will come.

You've dug deep, you shared your deepest pain with us JYW   and I along with others share your sheer joy and happiness, you deserve it and it feels so good.

And yes, there IS hope, we can get to a better place.

WDx

What kind of work is DD doing? 

Believe it or not...childcare.

What meds is DD tapering off.

All of them.  At one point, she was on 13.  Now, just one to sleep.

Depakote (massive qty)
Ceraquil  (massive qty)
Ativan
Lithium
Valium
...those are the ones that I remember.

Head up, mind clear, chin forward now.

 

Amazing! Getting off all those meds can cause huge issues in its own right. Very encouraging. Thank you

Childcare, I get that. Only Human's DD is interested in care of the elderly, LnL's SD just graduated as a special education teacher.  Our core values determine what’s really important and meaningful to us.

Yikes 13 to 1, your DD is a trooper, no surprise who she get it from    Meds have definitely helped my DD, she was very ill too, still relies on them - 4. Though I feel there maybe a new wave of positive changes coming with her new treatments.

Steady as we go.

Wishing you well JYW.

WDx

JYW,
Please can you share more about the boundaries thing...my daughter says I don't have boundaries! She says I infringe on hers all the time. It gets so confusing.

My husband refuses counselling for our marriage (he has Aspergers and I suspect some BPD traits) and I don't have the money for personal therapy...but these boards are super helpful.

MomSA -

Boundaries are lines of demarcation for an individual or group that create an area.  For example, property lines.  Think of a property on which you do or did live.  You're always allowed there, free to come and go as you wish, but not everyone is allowed free reign.  You have to allow those other people onto your property.

*this next part is important*

Just because you let someone onto your property one time, DOES NOT MEAN that they can come on to your property whenever they want.  They have to be invited.  Every single time.

Now, take that same property you're imagining.  Change that property to your soul, your mind, your emotions, your peace, your sense of well-being, and/or your personal mental and physical safety.

The property lines are the things you will not do or things you will not discuss, or certain conditions that will be met before you are willing to do something or discuss something.

a few examples:  

-Let's say kid has been bursting into the room, no matter what you're doing, and demands you discuss some real or imagined problem.  

              A boundary you set could be "I will not stop what I am doing because you decide it's time to talk.  I will only agree to talk if you come to me and ask if I would discuss the issue with you.  And you will have to realize that I may tell you that now is not the time for me."

-Let's say that your kid participates in risky behavior and calls you in the middle of the night to bail them out of trouble, or come pick them up, etc.

            A boundary you set could be "I'm telling you this before you leave:  I will not be leaving the house tonight to retrieve you."

-Let's say your kid has a habit of bringing up old dirt in an argument, just to keep the argument going or to change topics from something they're uncomfortable with.

             A boundary could be "If we're having a discussion, and you bring up topics that are unrelated to the topic, I will stop engaging the conversation, and we will start over at a later time."

The hard part isn't creating those boundaries.  It's enforcing them.  For yourself.

I had to learn that boundaries created a safe space for me in my mind.  I was a big fan of "The Walking Dead", and my personal boundaries created a place that looked a lot like "Hilltop".  Visualization helped me a ton.  Maybe your place is a castle.  With a moat.  And a drawbridge.

Whatever works.

The examples above may sound like rules of engagement, and maybe they are, but really, isn't that what we need when dealing with a BPD individual?

The boundaries you create can be anything, from miniscule to huge.

One of the ones we had was, "If you self-harm bad enough that you go to the ER, it will automatically mean a 48 hour involuntary psych hold."

Another was, "We will no longer be responsible for any medical bills that you incur due to self-harm."

The walking into the room thing and taking over was one as well.

I hope this helps you.

There are a bunch of links around here about setting boundaries, written by people with actual backgrounds in psychology.  Check them out.


you're not alone.


-jyw

 

This is really true, JYW.

Enforcing them consistently is so tough!

Boundaries are also different than rules and ultimatums.

Ideally they are something you can control in your own behavior. Something you will or will not do (and can do ... ).

JYW...reading this it is clear to me I do not have boundaries in my life.

My husband has Aspergers and I suspect is high functioning BPD. My youngest son has Aspergers. My 20yr old daughter has BPD.

I have two other children who were diagnosed with Aspergers too but as they have matured I think it was more environmental than neurological.

I haven't had time to even think of myself for years. I actually don't even know where to start - I will go and look for the links, thank you.

I actually don't even know where to start -

You already have.  Asking the question means you started.


You could start by asking yourself "what is it that I can control, but currently don't?", then set a boundary around that.  You don't have to try to fix everything all at once.

There's a saying in baseball - "ain't no such thing as a 10-run home run" - meaning that you're not going to score all the runs at once.  You have to score them one at a time.

Pick one thing.  Make a rule about it.  Explain the rule in a non-confrontational way.  Then enforce it.  The first one is the hardest.  It gets easier.

The first one could be as simple as "I'm not going to engage in any conversation about drug use while I'm eating dinner."  Then if DD starts talking about it, you could say, "I see that this important to you, and I agree. I'm not going to engage this conversation right now, as I'm eating dinner.  We can begin the conversation in a little while, after I'm done."

In that sentence, you have done a few important things:

1.  Recognized their issue
2.  Agreed that you also see it as important
3.  Re-stated your boundary
4.  Enforced your boundary
---and---
5.  Agreed to discuss the issue, but on *your* terms.


Congratulations.  You have a boundary.



This all seems overwhelming.  I know, as do the rest of the people here. 

You're not alone.


-jyw

Excellent! Thank you 

May I ask another question...was there a time when you just couldn't say anything other than "Hi" to your daughter?

Everything I say triggers her and everything I think I am doing right has the wrong effect!

I think it would just be best to say nothing...

Probably just lay low until a better time to approach her ( unless emergency) .  Does this happen all the time or now and then? 

It used to be just sometimes, it is now all the time.

Hmm, well it seems she is getting a bit more dysregulated.  You are well deservedly at the end of your rope and possibly the DD senses this.    Sometimes this will cause her reactions to get a bit worse before better.  Here is some reading that may help
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=85479.0;all

First and foremost though, try to keep the focus on yourself.  You had stated you don't know how you feel any more, which is very common as parents to BPD kids because for so long it has been about them, how not to trip over the wire and cause them to react , etc.   In all of this we as parents get lost in the mess.  Believe it or not , you are on the right track.  You must fortify yourself and get back in tune with you.  You have rights just as your DD does.   Cut down on interactions with her for a bit while you shore yourself up.  Please also consider looking at some of the suggested readings in the Library list here.  The best way to help her is to help yourself. 
 Are you afraid for your safety?

May I ask another question...was there a time when you just couldn't say anything other than "Hi" to your daughter?


Oh, hell yes.  We look back and refer to that as "the eggshell period".

...sometimes, even "hi" was a trigger.  Now, I realize that it wasn't me, specifically, that set it off, it was her manifestation of her disease.

Not a fun time, for sure.

MomSA,
Our daughter’s sound quite similar. I’ve noticed that when DD’s BC shot is due which might coincide with hormonal changes, there is absolutely no winning with what I say. I have knocked on her door to say “hey I made dinner if you are hungry”
And she will scream “get the **** out of my room”.  Leaving me in shock in the hall. My new m.o. is Take Care of Me first and foremost and unapologetically. I really try not to have a resentful attitude like “your illness has taken the best years of my life, it’s my turn now” or “woe is me I’m weak and frail bc you are so ill”. Instead, I honestly try to have a cheerful disposition and show her that I’m very very important and I need to spend a lot of my day in Selfcare mode. This will not come naturally for you, but I think it’s so important to show them how we can learn to do this even late in the game. Hugs to you!

JYW,
Please keep posting here. Your responses are music to my ears. It’s funny how you can tell on a blog who has had very similar experiences to your own.
Specific how to examples work best for me and I’m learning about boundaries and also how to share what my core values are with my 4 young adult kids. The puzzling part is I thought they knew what my values were bc I live them everyday. Turns out they did not, so I’ve shared verbally what they are so we are all close to being on same page.
We all make the mistake of assuming others understand what makes us tick.

Thank you everyone for the input on boundaries.

My husband and I are going away for the weekend...I hope to just do some thinking and journalling away from the battle front.

My husband and I are going away for the weekend...I hope to just do some thinking and journalling away from the battle front.


NOW we're talking!

By the way - that's another boundary.  You are creating time and space away, for great reasons.  Space to think.  Space to remove yourself from the area in which all of this is going down.  Permission to think and feel and write and spend time on something - ANYTHING - other than this.

Promise yourself that you'll allow yourself to enjoy at least some part of it.

It's ok to enjoy things, not despite what you're going through, but BECAUSE of what you're going through.

Have a great time!


you're not alone.

-jyw

Thank you JYW you made me smile.

Yes we have some nice big steaks for the BBQ and a big storm is blowing in so we will have the opportunity to watch wild seas at the further point south on the African continent !

MomSA-
That sounds wonderful and exotic. Enjoy!

Mom SA -

How was your Deep South African Continent weekend?  I hope it was as relaxing as you needed it to be.


-jyw

Update on my DD - got a call the other night that her bf broke up with her out of the blue.  Previously, rejection and personal relationships were a HUGE trigger for her.  See "seems" to be handling it well - using all of her skills to make good life choices.

We've talked a couple of times over the weekend, and it sounds like she's taking it well.  We will see.

So kind of you to ask...my saga continues here if you have the time to add your comments and advice? I would appreciate it.
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=337637.0


This is good news...I hope the up and up continues  

*mod*

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