BPDFamily.com

I'd love to get some insight or advice on how to handle some roommate/family drama with my husband, who has undiagnosed BPD. He's fairly high functioning, but struggles with anxiety, mood swings, suicidal thoughts, and unstable relationships.

Context about our living situation: We live with his brother and his brother's girlfriend and have for a few months. We're all 29-30 years old. My husband L and I have known each other for 8 years, been dating for 3.5 and married since September. L's brother N and his girlfriend Y have been together about 2 years and they bought a house together in November.

Over the last few months, tension has been building between L and Y. In short, Y doesn't like certain things about L (negative about his job, pretty emotional, and may not do his full part around the house). I understand he can be difficult, but he has been nothing but pleasant toward her. It's just his general demeanor that rubs her the wrong way and may conflict with her values of hard work and practicality.

Plus, instead of addressing anything, she responded by avoiding him and being unresponsive and increasingly making it more awkward over the last few months. L has taken it really hard, being very sensitive to rejection. This weekend, it all came to a head and there's been a lot of back and forth about L and Y's issues with one another, but the two of them still haven't spoken. Y wants to talk with him and get it all out, but L doesn't want to at all.

I think he's feeling very defensive and wounded, and he's worried how this will affect his relationship with his brother. He wants to move out even though he just quit his job and his new one isn't quite lined up yet. He thinks because I don't want to move out I'm "acting like everything's okay" and "throwing him under the bus." He just wants to avoid her. He texted his brother we're going to move out soon, which put everyone on edge. Both of them said things along the lines of, "What? I didn't know it was that bad." I know it's his anxiety and emotional dysregulation making the situation so hard, for him and unfortunately, for the rest of us. I respect his decision to take time--it's probably better since he's pretty upset and may lash out.

But he can't avoid her forever, and I want to ease the transition to when they do finally talk. I've spoken with Y a little bit, mostly over text though we've had a few face-to-face conversations. I said he may not be ready for a few days and gave her some context to what he's feeling since he hasn't spoken to her at all about these issues.

So I suppose my questions are:
- What do you tell family members/friends who may not be privy to the BPD person's emotional world? I don't want to make excuses for him, but is there any way to give them some context?
- How can I be a mediator between them when L interprets my mediating as me taking her side?
- Any other advice on how to ease this situation?

Hi there, lei_em! Sounds like you are in a tricky situation.

I would be very careful about playing mediator. Have you heard of the Karpman Drama Triangle (https://bpdfamily.com/content/karpman-drama-triangle)? If not, you might want to read a bit about it. It sounds very much like you'd be placing yourself in one of the points, most likely as "The Rescuer." It's not a healthy relationship dynamic and you want to avoid that. The article also has points about how to avoid being pulled in.

As for what you tell people, I wouldn't tell them he has BPD -- at least not by name. And, again, going and explaining him could be a bit triangle-isa. You say he's not diagnosed, so I'd assume he's not aware you suspect him of having it? Is he in therapy of any kind?

There may not be much you can do to ease the situation. You can be supportive and listen to them if they want to talk. Ultimately, it's their problem they need to sort out -- if at all. From the sounds of things, both of them have been going about it in an immature manner. Honestly, it sounds like your husband and his brother's girlfriend just flat-out don't get along. Not uncommon, even when there's no PD involved. Do you need to live with them for financial reasons? Is there a real problem associated with your moving out, other than drama and hurt feelings?

Also, if you don't mind my asking, what happened this weekend? Details can help get a handle on things.