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I have finished my sixth day being separated from my bph. I have to say, I am feeling really good.  My anxiety feelings are gone for the most part (except when I am paranoid and think I hear the truck), I have been getting better sleep, I have been feeling overall happier.

Now, I already know that when my older son comes back, that will prove a challenge.  He will be coming home to a completely different environment than when he left.  I will do my best to keep things as normal as possible for him. 

I haven't figured out the daycare situation, but I am filling out paperwork to get help to pay for it.  I am just not sure how the oldest one will handle it.  It is a different daycare than the one he was going to... It isn't as nice or nearly as big...

I am taking a day at a time (but still planning forward).  It is hard without the truck, but I am making it work.  I am getting genuine help.  Being encouraged, supported.  These ladies I hardly know are trying to help and improve my life.

You sound really grounded, Frankie!

How old is your older son? Have you mentally scripted the way to lead into the conversation? Do you anticipate he will be glad or sad...or other?

How does this feel to you? 

Hi Frankee, it sounds like it's going well!

Does your oldest son know that you've moved?

Thank you!  I honestly feel he may be sad because he will not be able to just walk to the park or his friend's house when he wants.  And he won't be able to spend his time is the custom bunk bed my H built or just living on the houseboat.  I know he will miss his dad, but I think those other things will take priority.

They both have seen his behavior when he went off the rails and talked to me in a degrading matter.  I feel if I can show him that I am a happier mom, I am hoping it will make the transition easier.  I would like to get a little farther along in my process before I have to sit down and figure out how to talk to him.

No.. he doesn't  He has been having such fun on his vacation and I don't want to weigh down his heart with this big news.  I am going to talk to him about it closer to the end so he knows what to expect coming home.
I feels really nice.  I keep telling myself I am making the best out a of bad situation.  Being in the shelter is hard, because it isn't my home, but these ladies have made this feel more of a what a home should feel like.  Not on constant guard about everything.

I started rambling several times on the post but went back and deleted it.  I realized I could go on and on about how amazing I feel now.  It just shows me how much my emotional well being has improved, just from being out of that environment I was in.

Excellent! 
And you know that we're here to support you in your new life.

It makes such a huge difference to have a strong support system on here and in real life. I can go to different friends and my parents for encouragement and just to have them lend a ear.  I also have realized that my heart will never stop going out to the people that need help or are struggling, but I am going to be more guarded with becoming invested personally and who I allow in my life.  And if they hurt me and my soul, I will burn that bridge and never look back.

Okay, so I been sorting out our bills and keeping the messages strictly sticking to bills due and who will pay.  I am trying my best to be a mature adult about this.  Last thing I need is my credit report taking a hit or paying late fees.  I even asked if he would want to see our son on father's day.  I haven't received a response about the father's day, but I know he saw the message because he responded to a message after about a bill.

He texted me this.
I'm sorry to bother you, I know you need space. I'm just having a hard day. I agree with you that we need time apart, and I'm not angry at you. But your my wife, and I know this is worth fixing. I'm never going to give up on that. I have some ideas when your ready to hear them. I know we can overcome ourpast, we've made such great strides. I'll do whatever it takes, whatever you need. I love you with all my heart and soul. And no matter what we have to overcome, that'll never change.

Should I completely ignore it or is there a way to tell him in a neutral or gentle way that there is no way is he{{ that I will ever go back to him?  I would really like to be a sarcastic bit$% and tell him... gee... this sounds awful familiar like all the empty promises you made last time I left your toxic a$$

It's the push-pull dynamic of these relationships that's popping up. He's reaching out to pull you in, because you are distant. Had you gone back now, he would soon push you away again with dysregulation and harmful behaviours. But I know that you know this already! I just thought it worth mentioning.

As for the message, you don't have to respond. He knows that you want space. So just don't send anything. Or send something neutral. Just try to avoid giving a respons where you're a sarcastic bit$%   You put so much effort into leaving with compassion, to have the best possible start for co-parenting going forward. Continue doning that is the best way forward.

If you want to send a reply, I suggest staring a new thread to get input on your message. Like with the letter you left. Using the BIFF format (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=134124.0) is a good template.

 
Scarlet

Thank you for that BIFF format link.  I clicked on it an briefly glanced over it.  I will read more when I have time to myself tonight.

He is being polite, understanding, patient... all fake attributes.  All because I left.  I guess he really thought that whole nonsense about love is enough.  Yes, love is, when it is real love.  This version he has about love where it is abusive and toxic and twisted isn't love.  I don't care anymore about what is wrong with him.  I will never go back.  He has held his grip so tight on every aspect of my life and I am now free.  I can live my life how is best for my boys and myself.

I think for now I am going to breeze over that text.  I have more important things to worry about at the moment then babying his feelings.

I almost cried this morning.  The director from my daycare called and asked if S3 was ready.  I said he is asleep.  She told me there was a lady at another shelter that said she could put up my S3 and take him to daycare if I could be ready in 15 minutes.  Better believe I woke up S3 real quick! 

The lady met me across the street and I was really surprised that my S3 went right to her when she reached out to put him in the booster seat.  She even told me that she could pick me up from work and give me a ride so I don't have to take the bus.  I am trying not to start crying.  Tears of joy.

Then one of the caseworkers talked to me and gave me job hunting advice.  Didn't make me feel stupid or like a moron for not knowing what to do.  Just advice.

I have been in the shelter for a week.  I hardly know these people and they are treating me better than my so called husband.  Just thinking about that restores my faith in trusting people... And I started crying..

   I know what you mean, Frankee

Sometimes, when we have been accustomed to accepting and living with poor treatment for so long, the kindness of others can stand out in stark contrast because it is so different from what we are used to.

I remember my stbx telling me that if I tried to leave him, no one would help me. He was so wrong. I found everything I needed by way of housing, child care, and transportation in the people I worked with, once the lid flew off and my secret nightmare tumbled out in the daylight. Some of these people I only worked with for a few months.

I'm glad you are finding support and people to help with the practical things. It makes a difference in the confidence that things really will be OK.

Frankee,

I found much the same thing when I left my marriage (I didn't have a BPD spouse I had an alcoholic one), I felt like all the right people where there when I needed them...it felt like magic.

But I, like you are now, was actually creating my own magic, by being open and honest (not hiding what was going on in my life) and asking for what I needed (support and encouragement as I made the transition out of my marriage), and by pushing through fear (Taking things head on that held me back).  Most people want to help we just need to let them and once we do the magic begins to flow.

Hang in there you will get through this.
Panda39

That is the biggest reason I can never go back.  I feel like he was draining the life and light right out of me.  I have always been so vibrant and love life, always try to find the best out of any situation, happy.  It's like, he fell in love with a butterfly, became scared others would try to take that away, so ripped off the wings.  That's how I feel.

I always believed there are kind people, but I was so stuffed away and controlled with a choke hold (figuratively) for so long, that it seems I almost forgot how kind and caring people can be.  Even men.  He tried so hard to make me believe that men only wanted one thing, regardless of their relationship status.  I never believed it, but he made it hard to even talk to other men.
It is amazing to rediscover myself.  I look at everything I have done in my life, the good and the bad.  My H would get so angry I would change my mind in what I wanted to do in my life.  My codependence was my downfall.  It took me a long time to accept that was something I was.  After the hard life lessons I have learned being with him, I am glad to say I am codependence free.   


I am focused on getting my own life set up, working hard at school, and providing the boys the best version of me that they deserve.  I am going to work on my self love and compassion.  I am enjoying being free, my own person, and living on my own terms.

The thing about this is, learning about yourself, your past choices, and making different choices in the future that will help keep you that way. So working on yourself will be part of your journey.  But one thing at a time you have alot of practical stuff on your plate at the moment and still have much to process.

But know that you are on the move in a good direction...keep doing what you're doing 

Panda39

I have to admit, I get a little excited.  I am just really enjoying being able to just take care of myself and my little boy.  I have set into motion things that I do not want to stop. 

He messaged yesterday and was asking about our S3.  I politely said that I asked about Sunday and never received a reply.  He claimed to never have received the message.  I kindly sent a screen shot and left it at that.  He asked to be able to call my parents to talk to the oldest one for father's day and I just replied with the phone number.  He asked if he could call me, I replied with a No and left it at that.  I never replied to some other messages he sent, I just laughed to myself. 

It was babble about how he isn't that man anymore, how he was holding onto resentment that wasn't my fault, but he's not anymore, he loves us blah blah.  Deaf ears.  I laid down after I made myself something to eat.  I feel nothing for him.  I kept having these flashes of everything he has said to me over the last few months.  His behavior towards me.  Him physical assaulting me on March 1st.  Him pulling a knife out May 19th.  Him accusing me of cheating non stop... making me cry, screaming at me how he could find someone better, that I am not his wife...….  not that man anymore..  what a lie.  How many times must a heart break before it stays broken?

The pull he is doing isn't working.  There is nothing left for him to pull.  I have seen too clearly the reality I was living in.  I have seen too clearly his actions, the behavior, the way he talked to me... too clearly.  I was caught in the rain today, walking to the bus stops to drop off my S3 at daycare and go to work.  Soaking wet, cold, and tired I told myself... at least I am not in an abusive relationship anymore.

I feel a little weight on my soul.  I took a minute to breathe.  I have been working hard to get everything taken care of.  Financial aid for daycare.  Financial help to get into my own apartment.  Trying to find a job that gives me 40 hours a week with benefits.  Getting my class schedule for Fall 2019.  Trying to get my financial aid for college.  Making my way around on foot and the public transportation.  Trying to make sure whatever bills I need to be paid are done on time.  Waiting for all this financial aid to come through, hoping it will come in time.

Then rage.  I talked to my girlfriend and I realized I may be numb to my H, but deep down, I feel rage.  When I think of how much he has hurt me and then tells me he "isn't that man anymore"...

Not only three and a half months ago, he choked me out and then continually blamed me for forcing him to go out.  Trying to get me to stab him.  Telling me that I am not the woman he married... Not that man anymore... Such a rabid lie... Just because he isn't beating on me once a week, he thinks he isn't that man anymore.

He calls me a liar when he believes so much his lie that he "isn't that man anymore".  How about sexually assualting me the day after he choked me.  Telling me that he shouldn't be with someone who makes him "this angry", that I am a failure... Then tells me he loves me more than anything... He has broken me one too many times and I don't care how hard it gets being on my own, he will never get the chance to hurt me ever again.

You have done so great and put many important pieces into action. You've experienced how people are kind and helpful. You've been trough a lot.

How we react when we finally leave a hard situation like you did, it goes up and down. Rage is for sure a part of it and can be part of the healing when done in a healthy way. Like venting here or to a therapist. You're doing good!

Journaling on here about my feelings has helped. 

I was putting my S3 to bed and when he fell asleep, I watched him for a minute.  The innocent precious little face that lights up when he sees his mommy.  The bigs hugs and random little kisses.  I try to remember they are only this small for a brief time, so I try to enjoy it.  I am finding I am able to enjoy it more.  He seems to not have even missed a beat moving here and going about our routine.

I never deserved any of the abuse my H bestowed upon me.  The only good thing that came out of it was my youngest son and hard life lessons that only made me stronger.

I don't feel lonely.  I am never alone, except in my room after S3 falls asleep. There are women and kids always around, at work I have my support system there, I can message my friends whenever I need to vent briefly or just talk about nothing to lighten the mood.

The hardest time is sometimes at night when I am alone and it's quiet.  I cry sometimes at all my hurt.

Allow yourself to cry and feel hurt. The only way is through. There is a better life on the horizon, it's just hard right now.

I totally agree with Scarlet. There are a lot of feelings you’ve bottled up for years, just to survive. And now they’re needing expression. At some point, you’ll get them all out and it will feel like a clean slate. But for now, you need to heal.   

 
I have been feeling happier.  During the day when I stay busy, I almost forget about how I was living when I was with him.  It's almost like a distant bad dream.  It's surreal.

My feelings are all over the place.  I try very hard to stay aware of my surroundings.  I know if he finds out where the shelter is, I can't stay.  

I am grateful for all the help with the goodbye letter.  It was so smart in a way that it has kept him at bay with his craziness.  That and he knows if he wants me to come back he won't behave a fool.  That's why I have to get all of this paperwork taken care of as soon as possible before he decides he is done being patient and starts making demands.  Or when he catches on to what is really going on.