BPDFamily.com

I don't know where to begin here, me and my girlfriend/ex have been together for just over a year now. The first 3 months were great, the most amazing relationship I'd ever been in, we just fell for each other so hard and so fast. This girl was crazy about me, as I was about her, she used to tell me how lucky she was, how amazing I was and how she used to worry that I'd lose interest and leave her. She used to put so much effort into making me happy, and making the relationship what it was, I put my all into it also. Then suddenly, seemingly over night she becomes sarcastic, snappy and always criticising me, putting me down and acting like she basically hated me. Things get worse we argue more and things get messy, until we find out she's pregnant and I'm there thinking, maybe this is why my nice girlfriend is suddenly such a bitch with me. But no, I've done a lot of reading up about these things, a lot of pregnancy forum posting and a lot of talking to friends who have been through pregnancy. All I can say is after finally reading into mental health etc is that she is either BPD or bipolar, now I don't know because she hasn't told me, but her behaviour screams mental health at me. The extreme idealisation at the start and then sudden devaluation, I've not known much about BPD until recently, but the more I read into it the more I think I've found the problem. Her temper and tantrums are childlike and irrational. I went from being the best thing in her eyes to the scum of the earth, for no reason at all. Is this BPD? Will it get any better or should I leave now? She's a bit older than me, her being 31 and me 29. We have 8 weeks left until our daughter is here and the entire pregnancy has been nothing but hell. I can't even find the right words to describe this mess, yet she makes me feel like the bad guy. She had torn this relationship apart and makes me out to be scum! TIA

Hi and welcome!  Congrats on your soon to be born baby! 

You are not alone.  We have many members here who have a similar story.   Unfortunately we can't diagnose her or say what she has for certain.  It does sound like she has some very difficult behaviors and some emotional problems as well.  Regardless, you are in the right place for support.

In general, with BPD or any other behavioral and or emotional disorder, there is little chance in things getting better on their own.  The best if for the person to get into treatment.  it is also important for the non partner to seek help as well.  All that said, we offer tools and strategies here that have proven effective for many other members.  Some have seen significant improvement in their relationship and some in terms of specific behaviors changing with work.   The real benefit of learning the tools is to help us cope and make things easier for us.  You are going to have at least a parenting relationship with her so it makes sense to take care of you right?

I hope you settle in and continue to reach out for help.  Weekends can be a bit slow around here so be patient with us.

hi HormonalHenry,  i want to join Harri and say *welcome*

a baby can still be a huge turning point in a relationship. it can bring to the forefront all sorts of desires and fears, the best and worst aspects of a relationship, the past and the future. especially for someone who lives with intense fears.

it sounds like things moved very quickly between the two of you. ordinarily, a relationship has a honeymoon period, where both parties see the other through rose tinted glasses, put their best foot forward, and around the three month mark, things change, both parties show other sides of them, they test each other and the relationship (most relationships dont make it past this stage)...and eventually, ideally, things mellow out. all of this can look more extreme when youre in a relationship with someone with bpd traits.

there is hope, and there are tools that can help you get to steadier ground, but it also requires an understanding of your partner and her limitations, as well as yours. while you will likely see glimpses of both the extreme good times, and the bad, the idealization phase in general is over, and now is the time (if you choose it) to lead your relationship on that next, healthier trajectory.