BPDFamily.com

Hello Everyone,
 
I have bought and read Walking on Eggshells, and Splitting, and am now looking for more advice.
 
I'm struggling daily with the consequences of having a likely BPD ex, with whom I had a child.
 
As we have a child, it feels as though there is no escape and I have to second guess everything I do.
 
While the issues of the relationship have gone (no more physical attacks, direct emotional abuse, etc). There are things that I still live in fear of:
 
Some things that led to these issues.
1. False accusations resulting in job loss
2. False accusations to police. Spent $100K+ defending these so far.
3. False accusations to officials obstructing my travel (documents seized for months, potential border issues).
 
The above were done in a way where recourse is not easily available, and I'm sure ex would just do again in a fit of rage. Seems to know how to work the line of being incredibly destructive without being criminal.
 
We have a young child.
 
Ex stopped me seeing our child for years, at the time I was in a state of grief and ran up large debts finding anyway I could for a future near our child.
 
Following $200K of expense and years of fighting, child now lives with me in a different country.
 
The issues from ex have worked in my favor in the court, granting me effective custody, however did not rise to a level where legal professionals think I can make a financial claim, or have a successful criminal claim case.
 
 ***
 
Currently my issues are:
 
1. Major debt, which I need to earn a lot of get through, so
 
2. I have high earning potential, however every high paying job I consider has enough of a public profile, that I fear ex attacking me and destroying another career path for me. Additionally, I am less effective than I used to be, so while I can still get good jobs, last few have ended badly as I did not perform as well as I have done previously due to constant fear. I have also rushed into jobs that weren't a good match due to concerns around debt.
 
3. Current arrangements are I need facilitate regular contact (phone, not in person) with our child and ex, however I am concerned contact requests will increase and if ex hasn't acted badly in last 6-12 months, court will give increasing access as aparently the think it's good for our child to see ex.
 
My Questions:
Q1. How do I work?
I struggle daily with knowing how to go about having a semi-public profile. What can I say/what is my story to acquaintances if these issues come up? They surely don't want to know and will just throw it all in the too hard basket/fire me/ask me leave.
 
I have seen this happen to former colleagues over smaller stuff than I've been falsely smeared with and without evidence.
 
Are there a set of industries from BPD survivors who "get it" who I could work with without fear lingering every day?
 
Q2. How do I plan for our child?
How do I create appropriate access restrictions between our child and ex? I'm told if I even say those three letters court will hate me, so I need someway to have them reach the conclusion themselves.
 
I'm about to meet the court expert in 4 weeks and need to know what to say/not say, how to be dispassionate, how to focus on our child while bringing up issues. eg. is it considered an attack on our child if my career is sabotaged, as I'm provider? but how to make that about our child and not me?
 
Q3. Where can I find friends who get it?
I'm feeling lonely and isolated, even though I'm in a large city. Even good friends and family don't seem to understand.
 
Q4. How do I sort myself out?
It seems I'm attracted to people like this, as I've had a few similar experiences in recent years. I've now shut down any relationships completely as I figure out how to tell what is going on.
 
Thanks for reading this far,
 
Another One1

Pull up a chair. You'll fit right in here 
 

That is no small feat. I'm sure there's quite a story there.
 

I'm not sure what semi-public profile means, but I would guess that your work is in some part dependent on having an *uncomplicated* reputation?
 

Your ex sounds to be BPD +, more like a high-conflict personality (HCP) the way Eddy defines them. All those false accusations, wow. I can understand why you'd want somewhere that feels safe.


What kind of access restrictions are appropriate given what happened?
 

Did it come out in your custody situation whether mom has a psychiatric illness? Will this court expert be sympathetic to the false allegations you've experienced in your case?

Do you feel comfortable sharing what you'd like to say to the expert? Maybe we can help you with the phrasing so you get your message across in the most strategic way.


 :hi:

In person, I found NAMI and Family Connections to provide some relief, although those groups were not for survivors of BPD relationships exactly. Mainly I found relief in meeting others whose lives have been impacted by someone with a serious mental illness.

Do you have a therapist? I was leaning on friends for support that they didn't have the skill to provide. People want to help and understand, and BPD/HCP stuff is particularly complicated. This board is probably the best for feeling validated about what you're going through without being in therapy.
 

You're wise 

Did you grow up in a family with low emotional maturity? I don't mean functional maturity, but inhibited or stunted or repressed emotions throughout the family system?

A lot us have codependent tendencies (white knight, rescue/hero complex) and that means we feel emotionally activated when someone comes into our lives who roll through boundaries. It's familiar.

You can heal from this, AnotherOne1.

Your situation sounds awful.  

Do you think there is a chance that she will move to your country, or are you concerned about sending your child to her country for visits?  Are you concerned about parental kidnapping?  How does your child do when with mom?  How does mom's behavior affect the child?

Are you seeing a therapist?  Is your child?

I have a friend dealing with an NPDxH. He has stated under oath that he wants her to lose her job and that he wants her to go to jail.  Her children have been seeing a therapist for the last year, and the therapist has testified that the dad's actions against the mom are harmful for the children. That his manipulations and efforts to harm mom are making it harder for her to parent because she is so stressed out.  

At what point do your lawyers think that her actions would rise to a level of criminal harrassment, slander, or libel?

Another plug for this book which will clarify a lot of things in your head
https://www.amazon.com/Stop-Caretaking-Borderline-Narcissist-Drama/dp/1442238321

I am surprised that you are receiving poor support from friends and family.  Those to whom I told my story all supported me, but keep in mind that I try to be fair when I share my story: I only mention facts.  No name calling or anything like that. 

In the meantime: record everything. log everything. It may come handy.

Thanks, that means a lot. I spent a fair bit of time when I was younger in forums like this and there's a comfort here. So much better than public things like facebook. Thank you.
 

Ha, yeah. I think for fun one day I calculated what it would take to print. I think I would need 200lbs of paper just for one of the filings.

I don't even know where to begin to be honest.


Yes, exactly. I'm compensated in some/most part based on how I can help the image and appeal of organizations, however nowhere near the level anyone would want to deal with anything complex over, so I'd likely just get a polite "thanks for everything and see you later" if this came up and I'd be without work, as has happened twice previously.
 

In general I think it would be best if ex just moved on. I think that's unlikely but not impossible. In the absence of that, I think only brief supervised contact is appropriate.

Although I have heard there's an issue with children idolising a parent they have little/no contact with, so now I'm think I need to focus more on building up our child's coping mechanisms and just letting it play out, as long as our child is with me 80%+ of the time.
  

To a degree, but in first case not enough to be the emphasis. They really seem to think if you're not hitting the kid, then there's nothing to deal with.

I think we can suponea records of psychiatrist so perhaps something in there could help.


Ex is not focused on the child.

Ex uses our child as a means to have relationship with me. In every call uses language our child doesn't understand to try to impress me. Many ongoing instances of this and evidence.

Ex uses our child for emotional support. After parting company spoke endlessly about how hard it was for them and displayed a fraction of the interest in child's emotions. Harder to show evidence of this. Took me a while to realise it, as it was such an alien concept for me.

Our child is more comfortable when there's been a period without the ex having contact. when there has been frequent contact, there are more issues around sadness missing them. Maybe contact is not such a good idea? This one is a hard one for me. I don't want to make our child sad but I'm seriously worried about what being used as an emotional support and a route to a relationship me will do to our child.

Ex has done tremendously destructive things to my ability as a provider and this seems to be ignored by the courts. I have had huge financial penalties for this and there seems no recourse. Our child has missed out on many opportunities as a result.

Ex has obstructed proper medical care for the child. Plenty of evidence, but severity doesn't seem to have got the courts interests despite about 10 unnecessary hospital visits. As child was properly cared for and is ok now they think it's ok, even though risk for child, huge costs, time, etc.

Ex has made threats to report me for a range of felonies I did not commit on multiple occasions.

Our child is generally happier, much healthier and has improved on development back to regular progress since in my care. (was lagging in a few areas).

Thank you.


Thank you, that's a good tip, I'll cast the net a bit wider in my search.


I've tried a bunch, but they all seem very generic. It seems like most of what they say you could read on feel good memes. "take it one day at a time", etc. I get that's what needs to happen but I need some practical strategies of what that might look like. They have some to offer but it seems to be a one page template of that, plus a bunch of "understanding" which feels nice at the time but does not seem to propel a shift in behavior.


Thank you,

That makes a lot of sense. I'm not really sure how to gauge that. Certainly in some areas I think but siblings don't seem to have stumbled in these ways, so it would be hard to point the finger there. I think the main thing missing was learning the tools to work through problems, there wasn't any abuse etc.

unlikely, although it would be easy to do so.


extremely concerned.


Very. And having been through all this once, I know there are ways the law will not be able to help and I think it's likely my ex now does as well. (the last time was ex falsely accusing me and long court battle).

Happy with contact I've seen, however my ex has not been able to keep up consistent care. As child is growing older, more efforts are happening to use our child as a way to stimulate a relationship with me.

Extended periods where my child was with my ex without me have slowed down development.
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I want to get our child into some therapy but the time cost is massive for me and I feel like I'm doing a good job with our child's emotional state. I do think it would be a good idea, but the lost work and fees are effectively $1k a visit, so it's very challenging right now as I'm barely keeping on top of things as it is.

That sounds like it could be helpful. I will try to get some advice from a good therapist who could make a court statement.


I'm not sure, without being specific I thought threatens to falsely accuse felonies, and death threats would be enough but apparently not in the way they are worded. I did have one very zealous lawyer I saw who wanted to be very aggressive with it, but all the others thought it wouldn't go anywhere and would just make for a general picture of a problem person.

The family court seems to get this all the time. They don't like to refer on things that would be crimes in other ways, eg. I've been told there have been zero referrals for perjury from the family court system we've been in. I sat there gobsmacked with all the lies under oath I could easily disprove, thinking this would be a huge problem for my ex. The court ruled in my favor on the custody issues and clearly weren't impressed with the lies but consequences were the same if there were no lies and just not defense, which seemed very strange to me. I thought people went to jail or had massive fines etc. for perjury.

The problem is often the way the issues are communicated there's no recourse. Recently I was disinvited from a significant speaking opportunity at the last minute. I was told "someone had reported an issue with me". The people refused to give any details whatsoever, as in, not even what the issue was or who reported it.

My lawyer advised if I made a fuss it would likely spread and just cause more problems and it would be hard to get anything out of people without a paper trail. It feels like punching at shadows.

It sounds minor but my work is usually in 1-2 year blocks and comes from these opportunities so 1 lost opportunity could have been another year or so of work gone.

Thank you I will have a look at the book.

The support is comfort without any sophisticated ways to move forward. I wouldn't expect anything else as I'd never encountered anything like this prior and wouldn't have known how to help someone.

Recording wise its a good tip and I've got all that and then some. One expert lawyer had been working on this area for 30 years and said they had never seen this much information before ever. It did help in the end as in court there were about 5 quotes to disprove every statement from the other side and the ability to show a history of each issue. It took me a few hundred hours to prepare and sort, but this did save a lot of lawyer time and money and ultimately won that part of the case so I think it was worth it. I'm not sure a shorter process would have worked as different professionals think different things are important and this can change quickly.

Having to read everything over and over looking for the nastiest bits etc. was fairly grueling. I think it may have pushed me into a bit of a victim mindset which I'm trying to get out of as it's not helping.

Is the court expert a guardian ad litem or parent coordinator or something similar? Is this someone you have already interacted with? How familiar will he or she be with your case? What is the purpose of the meeting and how much weight does it have in granting additional access?

It will help figuring out what strategy to take when phrasing things.

It's probably good to get very clear in your mind what is unhealthy for your child (unnecessary hospital visits, emotional abuse) and what impacts you (loss of income, false allegations). If the court expert is only concerned about the welfare of the child, lead with that and try to keep the conversation focused 90 percent there, is what I would recommend. If the false allegations have been disproven in court, maybe reference the ongoing impact of that behavior in the other 10 percent.

"I am struggling to protect my child from the impact of his/her mom's disordered perceptions -- the false allegations are taxing to disprove, to say the least, and the stress and expense of these allegations has to somehow have an effect on my child. How could they not? I've been reading and learning whatever I can to help my child learn how to effectively regulate emotions, starting with lots of emotional validation. I'm trying to help my child have what is best described as a skillful relationship with his/her mom. We have a long ways to go and the supervised visitation is a good start -- I don't know where our family would be without the help of the courts and people like you to help foster a safe relationship between my child and his/her mom."

Is that the kind of nuance you might need in this meeting?

The fact you were able to go from being denied access to your child, and now have majority custody as a father says a lot about how the courts view your case. Instead of being on the defensive, how about focusing on what mom is or is not doing to earn back more time? Is she showing up consistently and on time for her supervised visits? Has she been compliant with the terms of the order?

Yeah, that's definitely difficult.  I also had audio recording of calls and anger episodes and it was quite difficult to listen to.  It made me sick.  And I dug through really old messages and it turns out she was behaving in a similar way years ago... I should have seen the writing on the wall!

My friend with the problematic exhusband has it written into their custody agreement that neither of them can call the police on the other one.  He violated that, so she's taking him to court for a custody enforcement. 

I don't know if that is something that can be enforced in your jurisdiction, but may be a useful tool.

Why would that be useful?  That mean that you may not be able to call the police if the other one does something worth calling for!  I'd say cover your ass and the police will get fed up of the false reports soon enough!