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Title: Need some good advices.. Post by: Toxsick on June 17, 2019, 10:51:10 AM Hi everyone !
Since i've got some great support and advices i came back There is my problem i don't know how to fix with my girlfriend, Maybe you already read my 1st post, a hard break up of 2 weeks but we're back together. I personnaly do my very best to grow up and learn to be stronger (for me first of course) But.. i don't have any patience for her anymore. Don't misunderstand, if she needs time to overcome some difficulties and so on, there is no problem! What I mean is, if she start to be angry at me, even just a little agressive i can't help but feel really bad and getting anxious (a lot.. really a lot) and start myself to get angry at her. I honestly think it's because of her last tantrum, it was the straw that broke the camel's back. And also for my own sake, i protect a lot more myself from her. There is no doubt i love her, want to do the best for her and try again the time it takes to get better together.. but i can't help with these natural feelings you have when being almost yelled at and/or insulted. ANYWAY ! the first problem is : She is triggered by questions. I find it weird but nevermind, the problem is, since i'm interested in her i ask questions like : What are you doing ? Oh, what will you do with your friend ? It seems cool ! This job look great, how much time will last you contract ? She find it oppresive and intrusive, stupid or useless. And me, it's just a mark of interest/love for her, isn't it normal to be interested in you SO ? So what can I do ? I feel bad for being interested in her and since she's agressive i just start to say myself i should ask NO questions at all, like none at all. AT ALL. ZERO ! Second problem : I've talked about boundaries.. that she and I should put in your life for our own well being.. And now, she throw that word everytime and for nothing. Like for the questions problem she just say something like : "I'm mad at you because you don't respect my boundaries, you have to stop asking me questions" And i don't feel it's a healthy boundaries, she's juste being arsh on me and then say it's for her boundaries.. she don't make anything clear, just like a fog, and if i do a misstep i'm being yelled at. And i don't want to walk on eggshell anymore. Also, i've read the boundaries subject on the forum and also send her, saying she have to stop throwing this word without even doing it right. I don't want to be disrespected anymore too. I'm not a junk and i won't tolerate to be treated like that and the last problem, for now (): She probably idealized me since we're back together, making good progress and trying her best (2.5 weeks). But i feel like she don't idealize me anymore. I don't mind it, being "normal" but i'm really afraid that because she have me again, she will stop searching to get better. It's my own thought of course and maybe it's not like that for her at all, it's how I feel, it makes me pretty sad and anxious.. even a bit frightened since i won't allow another tantrum like 3 weeks ago. Like not at all. I love her with all my heart and soul. But i don't want to suffer anymore Title: Re: Need some good advices.. Post by: Scarlet Phoenix on June 18, 2019, 09:24:01 AM Hi Toxsick, I see you've fallen through the cracks! I'm so sorry we didn't reply sooner.
I read through all your posts, it's been a turbulent time lately with break-up and getting back together. But you want to work on being healthier. So you have a good starting point going forward! Excerpt She is triggered by questions. It's not surprising, I've had the same reaction from my ex-dBPDh (diagnosed BPD husband) many times. Then it would turn into a trigger fest where I in turn felt attacked by his way of responding, and around and around we would go.Learning to validate and how to avoid invalidation can be really helpful in managing conversations and tensions. Here's a good place to start: Communication Skills - Don't Be Invalidating (https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-dont-be-invalidating). And maybe this one on Empathetic Listening and Active Listening (https://bpdfamily.com/content/listen-with-empathy). Is this something you’re familiar with already? Excerpt I've talked about boundaries.. that she and I should put in your life for our own well being. And now, she throw that word everytime and for nothing. Like for the questions problem she just say something like : "I'm mad at you because you don't respect my boundaries, you have to stop asking me questions" I think maybe there is some confusion as to the difference between boundaries and ultimatums. Boundaries can be communicated, but they don't have to be. And they can be uphold with no co-operation from our partner. The focus is on what we will do, not to forbid others from doing something. For example «When my partner yells at me, I will leave the room». And not «I forbid you from yelling at me, stop yelling!» We have some great info on Setting Boundaries and Setting Limits (https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries).What are your thoughts? Excerpt She probably idealized me since we're back together, making good progress and trying her best (2.5 weeks). But i feel like she don't idealize me anymore. This is standard for relationships where theres emotional instability in the mix. She can't idealise you for long, because at some point feelings of engulfment take over. It's the push pull dynamic at place. It's hard for us to live with, because we enjoy the idealisation part. I've thrown a lot of information your way. Take it at your own speed, we all have our own path to follow. No matter what happens, we are here whenever you need to talk or ask for help. Scarlet |