|
Title: Don't expect empathy from me Post by: joshbjoshb on June 26, 2019, 11:50:56 PM So I learned how to somehow validate, def. learned how to deescalate, I am starting to work with a coach and overall things are looking up.
We just had (another) one of those long conversation, centering around how bad of a husband I am, and how her situation is so bad - she is a stay at home mom, but can't stand it, but there are also no jobs for her, so maybe she should stay at home and "rot her life" (her words). And I am sorry, I can't show empathy. It's one thing when a person is going through a rough time. It's another when their entire life is just feeling a victim, hopeless, and honestly doing very little to change it. So I told her she should find herself a coach, and it's too bad to see her wasting her life and feeling bad, etc. etc. I think she more expected for me to agree that her life is just one long episode of misery. But I am not going to confirm that because it's simply not true. What do you guys think? Title: Re: Don't expect empathy from me Post by: MidLifCrysis1 on June 27, 2019, 08:53:47 AM Well, I can totally understand this: "And I am sorry, I can't show empathy."
Actually, learning about the BPD has made this worse, in some sense, for me. I don't feel so awful myself, but I also struggle to have empathy for - or value even - the things she says, even when she is wailing them out like a banshee. I find a piece of myself just going, "Yeah...yeah...yeah...I know this script...can you just jump to the end?" But I find this to be repulsive in myself when I recall how real it all is for her. The trick I am using is to pay little real attention to the senseless things she goes on and on about except to extract the general topic/source of the outburst. What I DO focus on is that, despite how irrational it all seems, the experience that she is having is as real as any that we can have - to her. The fear and pain are there. So, what I focus on is that the person I love is suffering (yes...again...) from immense fear, doubt, and pain. And from that vantage point, I can find empathy. Conveying that empathy to her - so she can internalize it - is an entirely separate challenge... Hope that helps. Remember to try deep breathing to recharge your calmness and patience. |